Deposed Iranian Leaders Call For Repealed Sentences, Softer Rope

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Teheran, 2010 (IRNA):

Former Iranian leaders Sayyid Ali Khamenei and Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, speaking before a large and irate crowd of Iranian citizens, called for a last-minute press conference and made the following statements to the world media.

"This ridiculous sham revolution is all a plot by the Great Satan," said Mr. Khamenei, "to replace real Iranian citizens with Zionist duplicates pretending to overthrow our blameless God-appointed government! In the name of all things holy, I call your so-called 'sentence' a fraud." He then added, "And I'll die a martyr anyway, so nyah nyah! Furthermore, this rope is filthy and too coarse for my sensitive skin, and GACKKK!!!"

Mahmoud Ahmedinejad said, in a more conciliatory tone: "Really, people, you have got this all wrong. I had nothing to do with all the executions and those crazy-ass Basij. It was him, Khamenei, who did all the bad things. I was only following orders! I regret nothing! Death to GAAACKKK!!!"
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[*SATIRE*]

Short story "Alien Bites Man" Posted In Indian Webzine KALKION

The Indian science-fiction webzine KALKION has posted my humorous short story "Alien Bites Man."

Enjoy...

Xmas Season Website Update: DARC AGES, THE TIME IDIOT, TERRA HEXA and THE FLATTERED PLANET

My official website has been updated for the Xmas season, with more reading content:

- Another chapter in the serial DARC AGES (and some faulty page links have been fixed -- my goof!).

- Another sample chapter from THE TIME IDIOT, my novel-in-search-of-a-publisher.

- A short sample chapter from the unpublished English version of TERRA HEXA, my adventure novel for young adults (Swedish version published in 2004 by Wela Förlag, later re-released as POD paperback by the author).

- Another chapter in the serial THE ARGUS PROJECT.

- "Copyfighter", a sample short story from the collection THE FLATTERED PLANET.

Merry Xmas...

Website Update: THE TIME IDIOT, DARC AGES and THE ARGUS PROJECT

My official website has been updated with new reading material (and some text errors have been fixed):

- Another chapter of my unsold time-travel comedy novel THE TIME IDIOT.
Trivia: Which real-life U.S. President was my chief inspiration for writing the protagonist Prescott "Prez" Walker in THE TIME IDIOT?


Re-reading each chapter as I post them online, I realize that this book may be the funniest thing I ever wrote -- but I know from the different reader reactions that some people don't share my sense humor. (Or any sense of humor.)

If you think that a publisher or agent ought to read the sample chapters of THE TIME IDIOT, then gently yank said publisher's/agent's nose and pull him/her toward the sample pages. (Trust me, they need your kindly guidance.)

- New chapters of the Web serials DARC AGES and THE ARGUS PROJECT.
Trivia: These two novels have been serialized in all previous versions of my homepage.
In the original Web serial of THE ARGUS PROJECT, I experimented a lot with presentation and layout -- for example, I tried to give each character a color code.


Each line spoken by Character X was in yellow letters, all lines by Character Y were in green, etc. ... As you can imagine, that didn't really work. (Colorblind readers must've gotten a serious migraine from trying to read that early version. My apologies.)

The latest version of THE ARGUS PROJECT comes with a simplified layout to suit the maximum number of formats (including web browsers for cell phones).

Website Update: BLOOD & SWINE, DARC AGES, and PRECINCT 20: DEAD STRANGE

This week's website update:

- Another chapter of DARC AGES.
This novel has been a web serial on every homepage I've had since 1999. The illustrations are the same as in the 1999 version. (The title is a pun; you'll have to read the story to get it.)

- A new sample chapter of my unsold vampire-comedy novel BLOOD & SWINE: A Comedy of Terrors.
My first attempt to jump the vampire bandwagon, but also a satire of many things: working in an office, the pork industry, "Twilight", Goths, the madness of idealism, and sociopaths in the workplace.

- The (long) short story "Godsmack", part of the PRECINCT 20 story cycle.
These stories are experimental. I write them to amuse myself and try out ideas that don't fit in anywhere else.
The intent is to subvert the mystery/detective genre, turn it inside out, provide mystery that is truly mystifying. If you want "cosy" crime fiction, this isn't it.

Enjoy...

If You're Bitter About Writing, Then Quit

Through Nick Mamatas, I read this blogpost with a long quote from Lucius Shepard's novella "Dog-Eared Paperback of My Life".

Choice Quote:
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"[...] Of my many failings, the most galling was that I had wasted my gifts on genre fiction. I could have achieved much more, I believed, had I not gone for the easy money but, like Cradle Two, had been faithful to my muse.

Typically, I didn't count myself to blame but assigned blame to the editors and agents who had counseled me, to the marketers and bean counters who had delimited me, and to the people with whom I had surrounded myself—wives and girlfriends, my fans, my friends.

They had dragged me down to their level, seduced me into becoming a populist. [...]"
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Read the rest.

The complete passage isn't merely a fictional portrait of a fictional embittered writer (a commercially successful, one, mind you!). The entire text paints a portrait of writers who resent other writers and also hate themselves.

I've had different jobs. I can't say I enjoyed all of them equally, or had fun all the time (but who does? Is life supposed to be permanent bliss?).

So like any other work, the craft of writing has its ups and downs... as does the business of meeting readers and other writers. But does anyone in the world have the privilege to pick and choose which parts of the world they feel like interacting with? Hardly.

Reading the entire quote, I get the feel that Shepard is lampooning everybody including himself - writers and readers alike. Which is fine. (Even as I also thought, "Oh, cry me a river will you...")

But if I should encounter that bitter, self-pitying attitude in real life, without the irony or humor, I'd disapprove of it. Why should writers feel especially entitled to complaining about how they've wasted their lives and talents on doing inferior work for an audience of fools?

I believe in craft. I believe in the joy of doing a good job. I believe in self-expression. I believe that fiction and storytelling are as essential to human existence as breathing. I don't believe in bitterness; it's merely the bad side of human nature and shouldn't be elevated to "truth" or "honesty" because it isn't.

I once read an interview with Alistair MacLean, the bestselling thriller writer, where he claimed that he never wrote a good book, only junk.

Was he being sincerely self-hating, fishing for compliments, displaying false modesty, or just neurotic? I don't know and I don't care. But he did not make a good impression.

No matter what work you do, unless you're a slave and can't quit: If you're bitter about your job, then quit. If you're neurotic about writing, guess what: The world does not owe you therapy. So write, or don't write. It's up to you. There is no shame in doing other things for a living.

Useful Links For Authors

I received this link to a handy index of blogs and other online resources for writers:

"100 Online Resources That Will Make You A Better Writer"

(Thanks to Anna Miller for the tip.)