Meet your new boss.
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BLOOD & SWINE: A Comedy of Terrors
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It's
Not Just A Show
The first time I saw an episode of
«Mystery Science Theater 3000» - or «MST3K,» as the fans say -
was in the mid-Nineties. A colleague at the office brought a VHS tape
with a few episodes, because the show wasn't airing in my country at
the time.
For those of you who've been living on Mars for the
last thirty years, an explanation: «Mystery Science Theater 3000»
was created by Joel Hodgson in the early 90s for a local TV channel
in Minnesota. His concept was to show really bad movies, mostly
science fiction, while he was doing a running commentary with
sarcastic jokes and quips. This was called «riffing» the movie.
He
was accompanied by the two characters Crow and Tom Servo, two
wisecracking robots with human voices. During breaks in the movie,
Joel and his robots would do comedy skits. They would also interact
with the mad scientist who had trapped them on a space station and
was forcing them to watch these bad movies.
As the theme song
goes, «Then repeat to yourself it's just a show, you should really
just relax, for Mystery Science Theater 3000.»
I watched
those grainy videotapes and soon got hooked. I had grown up reading
MAD Magazine and listening to Weird Al Yankovic, so this comedy show
that poked fun at the stupidity of bad movies was just my thing. I
went on to collect episodes on VHS tapes, then started watching the
old episodes on YouTube... and eventually the show was revived on DVD
and streaming video.
I was well aware that MST3K had a global
fan following, and that every single episode had been recorded. So it
never occurred to me that there might actually be a «lost» episode.
At least, not one that was worth watching, since the very first
episodes were not the best ones.
I knew that some fans had
made their own «tributes» to the show, where they themselves riffed
bad movies with varying degrees of success. So when I happened to
stumble on a «lost episode», my first reaction was: Must be a
fan-made one. It's a toss-up whether it's any good.
It sort of
found me. I was googling for something else entirely. Our dishwasher
had stopped working. I typed in the search words «troubleshoot dish
washer» on my smartphone... and among the search results, this came
up:
«MST3, Episode Dish Washer, Troubleshooter».
Huh?
I googled «Dish Washer, Troubleshooter.» No such movie title
existed anywhere on the Web. It was the pun that made me click the link.
«Dish Washer,» I said with a chuckle. I was always a sucker for
goofy puns.
The link opened to a YouTube channel that played
the video. Image quality seemed like a transfer from VHS or American
TV – but those things can of course be faked.
Older MST3K
episodes usually begin with a title card stating the episode number
and name, if it comes straight from the producer. So this had to be a
recording of a broadcast, because it began with commercials from the
1990s. There was no channel logo in the corner, like you would see if
this had been on the SciFi Channel.
Commercials for soft
drinks, dirt bikes and PlayStation videogames. Those were the days!
And a teaser for the movie «The Matrix» – that was odd? «The
Matrix» came pretty late in the Nineties.
The commercials
looked legit though, no sign of AI fakery. The show's intro sequence
began without any presentation. There should've come a voice singing
the theme song, «In a not too distant future...» But only the
familiar theme played without vocals.
And no Joel! The
protagonist in a red jumpsuit was... I couldn't place him. He
resembled Thomas Haden Church, but I'm sure it wasn't him. And the
two mad scientists were also unknown faces. Older, too, maybe in
their fifties, not looking too healthy. You know... lived-in faces.
They didn't smile or go «La-lala!» either. The whole tone of the
intro was off.
The space station was briefly shown from the
outside, and it looked realistic, with solar panels and docking ports
– and in the background a glimpse of Earth from orbit, looking just
like it does in real photos from space.
The opening sequence
ended with a papier-mache planet turning around to reveal a logo that
read «MYSTERIOUS SCIENCE THEATRE 3000.»
Wait a minute. The
spelling was wrong. That logo was followed by a camera pan through
the space station, as expected... except that the interior didn't
look fake. It was like inside a real space station, like the ISS,
only grubbier and without any people.
This had to be a very
clever joke. I was chuckling already. This could be a fun parody!
The image cut to the space station interior, with the Thomas
Haden Church wannabe standing behind a white metal desk, flanked by
two robots. He was tired and drawn and had dark spots under his
eyes.
The yellow robot looked so real, with proper camera
lenses for eyes and wires coming out of its neck. And it was huge,
about the size of the human in the red jumpsuit, and it had big nasty
pincer hands.
The red robot was much smaller and rounder, but
the design was... serious. It had sharp needles sticking out of its
body and arms. Syringes? Was this the ship's doctor? It seemed to
float freely above the desk, without strings to hold it up.
«Hi,
welcome to the Satellite O-LO,» said the human in a droning voice,
looking into the camera. «I'm Joe, and I'm trapped here with my
droids, Cronin and Doctor Service.»
The big yellow robot made
a nod with its head and talked in a voice that sounded almost human,
like a really good imitation: «Hi, everybody. I'm here to keep the
order and keep Joe safe and happy.»
The smaller red droid
said in a very good simulation of a human voice, deep and cheerful:
«Hello, viewers! I'm here to keep Joe hale and healthy, and make
sure he gets his exercise, nutrition and sleep.»
«And f*ck, are they dedicated,» said Joe, sounding a little bit more
relaxed. «We've been up here in orbit for... is it six months or
five?»
For two realistic robots, they showed a surprising
amount of personality. I couldn't see any wires or sticks holding up
their limbs. Cronin made tiny motor noises when he moved.
«Counting
in ship hours,» said Cronin, «it's been just over four months. I
register that you've lost weight, Joe. I mean that as a
compliment.»
«I must add some more fat to Joe's diet,» said
Doctor Service. «And see to it that he eats all his food. We don't
want any more hunger strikes, do we, Joe?»
Doctor Service
raised one of his small arms and spun a long needle in the air.
Joe
was about to say something, when a red light started blinking on his
desk. A gleam of fear came into his eyes. «The docs are on the
line.»
The view cut to somewhere else, probably on Earth –
a control center with lots of screens and hardware. How could they
afford this set on low-budget TV? Among the computer consoles sat
those two middle-aged scientists from the intro sequence. One of them
was holding an old-fashioned clipboard and taking notes.
The
chief scientist, who had unruly Einstein hair, harrumphed and said,
«Greetings Joe and all viewers.» He sounded almost... bored. As if
this was another day on the job. «Today's experiment is an obscure
B-movie called... Heinz?»
The guy with the clipboard looked
up. «'Dish Washer, Troubleshooter.'» He had a heavy German accent.
Heinz glanced at his clipboard and read out loud. «A cheap Italian
spy thriller-slash-comedy from nineteen seventy-six, never released
overseas. I had to arrange the dubbing myself, at some cost to our
already swollen budget.»
«How about that, Joe?» said the
elder scientist, addressing the camera with a slight smile. «Ready
to give the audience a few laughs and give us a few readings?»
The
camera cut to Joe, who suddenly seemed tense and nervous. «Sure,»
he said. «Whatever you say, Dr. Forbin.»
Cut to the control
center: Heinz leaned into the camera view and said «Danke!»
This seemed to irritate the other scientist, the one called Forbin.
«Will you start the movie, Heinz?»
Heinz pressed a button
on a console. Cut to the satellite: An alarm signal went off with
blinking lights, and Joe called out: «All hands to the screening
room!»
I expected to see another camera pan through the space
station, but that didn't happen. Instead there was another commercial
break, with more ads from the Nineties. I paused the video, and
immediately began to download the whole file for safekeeping.
What
was going on here? It wasn't AI-generated for sure, the quality was
too good. And if this was a dark comedy skit, why hadn't I heard
about it before? It was like watching a version of MST3K from an
alternate dimension.
Then I had to take a break from the
video, because I still had that broken dishwasher to deal with, and
life in general. Things happened, life happened, and I didn't have
time to check up on the rest of the video until next evening.
When
I looked for it the next evening, the original YouTube channel had
been deleted. The video could no longer be found in a Web search. All
that remained was my one copy. So I watched the rest of it while I
was washing the dirty dishes by hand – our new dishwashing machine
hadn't arrived yet.
Joe and his two robots Cronin and Dr.
Service were visible in silhouette as they sat watching the Italian
low-budget movie «Dish Washer.» And it was quite bad, even worse
than «Agent for H.A.R.M.» or «Secret Agent Super Dragon.»
I
noticed that they didn't use greenscreen to create the silhouette
effect – Joe really was sitting in a small screening room in front
of a projecting wall. He seemed to be eating popcorn or something
from a bucket while watching.
The robots didn't make a lot of
comments during the movie. Mostly they said «Aha,» and «I see.» I
could see their heads and camera eyes move, as if they were
struggling to process what was going on in front of them.
Joe's
delivery sounded much like Joel Hodgson – sleepy-voiced, a man
sitting up late. His jokes ranged from lame to good.
Here's
one of his best: In the movie, the secret agent hero knocks out two
bumbling henchmen in a clumsy fistfight. He straightens his tie,
adjusts his hair, looks into the camera and says – and this is
dubbed into English with the worst lip-synching you could imagine:
«Two for the price of one.»
Joe riffs: «Only twenty
thousand lira, dirt cheap.»
Not so bad, eh? But here's one
that fell flat:
In the movie, the main villain calls up some
government and declares: «Tomorrow, the entire world shall know
my name!»
Joe riffs, and his timing is off: «That's what
she said.» He used that line way too many times.
«Dish
Washer» ended, Joe muttered something about going to the bathroom,
and there was another commercial break before the post-movie
talk.
The two scientists Dr. Forbin and Heinz appeared, and
they were not pleased. «You're slacking on the job,» Forbin said.
«Weak performance,» said Heinz while scribbling on his notepad.
Cut to Joe, looking really frightened. He took a step
backward as if he was going to get hit, he wobbled – and then I
noticed his shoes seemed to be sticking to the floor, as if they had
Velcro soles. As if there wasn't any gravity in the room.
As
if they actually were in orbit.
He pleaded to the
camera. «Look, sirs, I do my best with what I've got. The bots could
at least help me out more with the jokes. Please.»
That way
he stared - desperate, exhausted – it wasn't acting. Maybe Joe
wasn't in an actual space station with two robots – who ever heard
of such a thing? - but I began to think that perhaps a man really was
being held captive by crazy people.
Dr. Forbin pushed a button
on his console and there came an ominous warning beep. «I think you
need more encouragement, Joe.»
I didn't see what happened to
Joe next, but I could hear his screams and pleas for mercy. That
lasted about a minute. Then came his sobbing noises. And during all
that horror, the camera only showed Forbin and Heinz, nodding and
checking their consoles without emotion.
«Until next time,»
said Forbin and nodded to Heinz. The German pushed another button,
and the view cut to the end credits. A short list of unfamiliar names
scrolled by. The producer was listed as «Barry G. Forbin» and the
production studio was called «BGF Limited.» No copyright year was
shown. Then came more commercials, and the video ended.
It
could of course all be a hoax, a sick joke. Could a video from an
alternate dimension have made it onto the Internet? No. I may be
stupid, but I'm not crazy. My best explanation is that there's an
eccentric fan of the original show, who's rich enough to stage this
video. That's far-fetched, but not impossible.
But I'm not
going to share the video with you. In fact, I deleted it. Sorry, but
I just couldn't bear the guilt of sharing something that might –
just might – be a real hostage situation. I hated the possibility
that others would make fun of it and laugh at poor Joe.
Now
I'm thinking I made a huge mistake. In an emotional moment, I erased
evidence of a crime.
I can't forget Joe's screaming. I can't
stop wondering what became of him. I keep searching for another
video, as proof of what happened. If you find any more such episodes,
please don't circulate the tapes. Send them to the police. We've got
to help Joe - if he's still alive. It's been decades. Maybe he's dead
and Forbin has captured some other victim.
It's not just a
show. You really should not relax.
----
Creepypasta text (c) A.R.Yngve 2023
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" © Satellite of Love LLC
---
#MST3K #MysteryScienceTheater3000 #TV #comedy #horror #creepypasta
