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Saturday, December 20, 2008

Short Fiction by A.R.Yngve in Chinese magazine SF KING



(Updated Jan.7) Back in 2005, my short stories "See" and "Telephone Conversations were published in two Chinese science-fiction magazines.

The follow-up took me a while to accomplish, but... now in late 2008, the Chinese magazine SF KING has published another short story of mine.

Interior art for "Stupid!" by A.R.Yngve, in the November 2008 issue of SF KING.(*)

(And whaddya know... this ignorant Westerner can't read Chinese! Can you please help me translate what it says on the Contents Page?)
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(* My wife thinks the character in the illustration looks suspiciously familiar... especially the big feet. I think the artist used a photo of me as a model, which would be a good in-joke... ;-) )

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

NURGLON DEAD FROM "INDIGESTION"; Offspring Migrates To North Korea

Snapshot of Nurglon (r) dissolving.

POX News, Oct.28:
Inbredburg, The Very Deep South: Nurglon (r) is dead.

According to witnesses in the town of Inbredburg, the 150-foot tall Presidential/Vice-Presidential candidate swallowed POX News' reporter Sean Inannity - and then rapidly started to dissolve into a reeking, pink, rotting mass, covering an area the size of the Astrodome.

Cleaning up the remains of Nurglon may take months, and the area is currently being sealed off by federal authorities as a bio hazard. A witness to her/its tragic demise was heard saying: "So not even Nurglon could stomach Sean Inannity."

The late talk-show host Sean Inannity, admired by millions of conservative TV viewers, is now being praised by colleagues.

"Sean would never let mere facts get in the way of truthiness," says fellow talk-show host Stu Colburp.

"Sean Inannity was the voice of the real America," says talk-show host Rash Limburger. "His face should be printed on all my little pill boxes, as a tribute."

Barack Obama has so far been unavailable for a comment.

In related news, Nurglon's five million offspring have since fled the country. Unconfirmed reports from Asia claim that the millions of fleeing mini-Nurglons are now storming the coast of North Korea.

Experts are in disagreement whether this would make living conditions in North Korea better or worse.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Nurglon Volunteer Admits Chopping Off Own Foot, Blaming "Socialists"

POX News, Oct.25: 19-year-old Bobbi Jo Sispak, college student and campaign volunteer for Nurglon (r), today admitted to giving false and misleading testimony the police.

Ms. Sispak had previously told the police that she was attacked by "Socialists" who chopped off her left foot and jammed it into her mouth, and then left her for dead.

However, when local police found the weapon - a chainsaw - covered with only her own bloody fingerprints, Ms. Sispak was questioned again. When confronted with the evidence, she broke down and admitted her deception. She had used the chainsaw to sever her left foot, then stuffed it in her mouth and pretended to be the victim of a gang of "Socialists."

Sispak failed to give a clear explanation of her motive, except that she "only wanted to serve Nurglon, mistress of Great Cthulhu and a true American hero."

POX News asked Bobbi Jo Sispak to clarify herself. She said: "Y'know... Socialists. Dark-skinned, vicious Socialists, always looking to mutilate white women."

The girl's father, noted Nurglon volunteer Joe-Bob Sispak, claims in a statement that the police had "waterboarded" his daughter to make her lie about the crime, and added:

"Us real Americans must avenge my baby girl for putting her foot in her mouth!"

Joe-Bob Sispak, campaign volunteer for Nurglon (r).

Angela Hoy: "The World's Worst Book Proposals"

Funny: The World's Worst Book Proposals.

Choice quote:
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FROM AN ACTUAL BOOK, which is already in production (published by another POD publisher, of course):

"Chapter 2: When Things Go Right
Chapter 3: When Things Go Warong"

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Warong indeed. Hoy's column is an ongoing feature, so be sure to click the links to previous hilarious installments.

Now, I'm all for encouraging people to try writing. But how about practicing writing just for fun and self-education, before you launch your professional writing career?

The saying goes, it takes ten years to become a skilled writer. (It took me slightly longer to get my first novel published.) I think people who fail either do not try hard enough, or get their goals confused.

You're allowed to write the way you want. But you're not entitled to get it published. To get published, certain formal requirements must be met:

1. The work must interest the publisher, i.e. not be too dull;
2. It must be up to professional standards of spelling, grammar and style;
3. It must be finished work.

Most people who fail at writing ignore one or several of the above. Don't be one of them.

1. Send only interesting work to the proper publisher(or agent);
2. Make sure all spelling and grammar is correct
(Yes, you can experiment a bit, but you gotta learn the rules before you break them, comprende?)
3. First and foremost, send finished work.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Nurglon's New Wardrobe May Bankrupt Economy, Say Analysts


Presidential/Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r), who usually does not wear clothes, has now taken to fashion.

In Inbredburg, Nurglon supporters cheered on their candidate as she/it showcased its/her first complete red dress.

But Nurglon's new style may come at a high cost to the U.S. economy, warn financial analysts. Many of them are afraid to criticize Nurglon openly.

"It's not just a question of running out of campaign funds," says a source who wishes to remain anonymous. "The Republican Party has taken huge short-term loans to pay for Nurglon's dresses, and staked everything on her winning the election. If she doesn't win and can't create bailout packages to cover the debts, the GOP goes bankrupt."

"And none of the money paid for these gigantic garments goes back into the U.S. economy. Thousands of Chinese textile workers are employed to make them. India exports 5% of the fabrics it produces to America for Nurglon clothing alone."

"This textile and clothing bubble has been growing way too fast, and could burst on Election Day."

Monday, October 20, 2008

Nurglon Declares 30% Of America "Un-America", Calls For Purge


In a recent blitz of open-air rallies across rural America, Presidential/Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r) has launched the concept of "Un-America."

At Nurglon's most recent small-town appearance in Rottenville, a POX News' reporter heard the following speech:

Nurglon: THIS! IS! AMERICA!!

(Crowd cheers)

N: ON THE COASTLINES, IN THE BIG CITIES, LIES... UN-AMERICA! CITIES THAT ARE ELITIST, HARD-HEARTED... AND HARD TO CHEW!

(Crowd boos)

N: WHEN I AM ELECTED PRESIDENT, I SHALL ORDER MY FIVE MILLION YOUNG TO EAT UN-AMERICA! WITH A SIDE ORDER OF SOCIALISM!

(Crowd gives standing ovation)

N: AND THEN THIS GREAT NATION SHALL BE PERFECT AGAIN, FOLKS! YOU BETCHA!

In related news: after the abovementioned rally, central Rottenville was burned down by overzealous Nurglon supporters while they tried to ignite an effigy of Barack Obama. According to witnesses, the effigy was carried out of the fire unscathed.
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Related stories:

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Nurglon Releases McCain For Final Debate With Obama


In an exclusive statement to POX News before the third and final 2008 presidential debate, Presidential/Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r) declared that John McCain has now been turned into a zombie and released from Nurglon's mouth.

Nurglon said:
"THE McCAIN CORPSE SHALL DO MY BIDDING. IT SHALL EXPOSE THE SHINING ONE AS AN ENEMY OF ALL THAT I STAND FOR... FAMILY VALUES, FAITH, STRONG LEADERSHIP, FOLKSINESS AND STRAIGHT TALK."

When asked to clarify, Nurglon only added:
"BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, GOSHDARN IT."

The McCain zombie performed adequately during the third debate with Barack Obama. Among his undead statements were:
"Urrr! Ayers!"
"Braaaains! Braains good!"

"Uuuuh! ACOOORN!"
"Huuuuh! Maaario the Pluuumber!"

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Related stories:

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Distress Call From Nurglon's Mouth May Be Missing John McCain, Witnesses Say

POX News, Oct. 11: Witnesses at Nurglon's most recent public speech have heard cries for help from inside Nurglon's giant, gaping mouth, which may come from the missing John McCain.

The witnesses said that while they were listening to Nurglon (r) speaking, they heard muffled shouts from somewhere along its/her middle row of teeth (Nurglon has three known rows of teeth, each counting approx. 200 claw-like molars) - and that it sounded like McCain's voice.

According to witnesses, the shouts sounded something like, "Help! Help! I'm stuck between her teeth and I can't get out!" and "Somebody help! She's eating the entire party!"

POX News has asked several prominent dentists if it would be possible to extract a person alive from Nurglon's jaws. They all declined to answer.
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Related stories:

Friday, October 10, 2008

Nurglon Supporters Claim Barack Obama Is A Witch

Joe-Bob Sispak, interviewed by POX News' Sean Inannity in the Very Deep South, Oct.10:

Sean Inannity: Joe-Bob... you and your friends, die-hard Nurglon supporters, are saying that Barack Obama is a witch.

Joe-Bob Sispak: Yeah!

(Voices in crowd: A witch! A witch! Burn'im! Burn the witch!)

S: But how do you know he's a witch?

J: He turned me into a newt!

S: A newt?

J: (Pause) I got better...

S: It does look like Obama is going to win the election. Do you expect your candidate, Nurglon, to bow out gracefully?

J: No! Nurglon must win! She's the only one who can save us now!

S: From the economic crisis?

J: No, ya dope! From the elves!

S: The elves??

J: Yeah! See, Nurglon's been givin' us a few hints who's really behind them bad loans and risin' prices and stuff! It's all the work of a global conspiracy of elves! But Nurglon's gonna eat all the elves and then the problems are going away! Nurglon forever!!

(Crowd cheers)
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Nurglon Speaks...
Nurglons Slams Obama...
Nurglon Denies...

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Nurglon Claims Obama Is Friendly With Terrorists



POX News, The Very Deep South, Oct.7: During a torch-lit evening rally, before a rapt crowd of 5,000 followers, Nurglon (r) made this highly critical statement of her/its opponent:

Nurglon: FOLKS... THE SHINING ONE HAS BEEN TO COUNTRIES YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO!

(30-second standing ovation from audience)

N: HE CAN READ... AND WRITE!

(10-second booing and hissing from audience)

N: WHAT DOES THAT MAKE HIM?

(Man in crowd: "You tell'im, Nurglon!")

N: THE SHINING ONE IS DIFFERENT! NOT ONE OF US! HE'S A FRIEND OF PEOPLE WHO READ AND WRITE BOOKS! A FRIEND OF TERRORISTS!

(30-second standing ovation from audience)

N: NOW MAKE SURE NURGLON BECOMES YOUR RULER AND OVERLORD... TO SAVE THE CHILDREN FROM TERRORISM! THE JUICY, TASTY CHILDREN!

(3-minute standing ovation from audience)
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Buy your Nurglon merchandise in the 2008 Election Rejection Shop!

Monday, October 06, 2008

Nurglon Denies Having Eaten John McCain

POX News, Oct. 6: During a recent political rally, POX News asked Presidential and Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r) about the mysterious disappearance of John McCain, whom Nurglon replaced after having replaced Sarah Palin.

Sean Inannity: Nurglon, I'll be frank with you. Did you eat John McCain?

Nurglon: NO! NO! GOSH GOLDARN IT, NO.

S: Are you sure?

N: HE'S A HECKUVA TOUGH OLD MAN. THAT'D BE LIKE EATING AN OLD SHOE WITH THE STRINGS ON. HE'D TASTE GOSHDARN AWFUL, AND THAT'S THE PLAIN TRUTH.

S: Seems your speech has become increasingly afflicted with "folksiness." Is this going down well with core conservative voters and hockey moms?

N: BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURG...! I MEAN, GOSH! YEAH! I'M DOWN WITH THEM HOCKEY MOMS. Y'ALL.

S: And how do you respond to the close poll numbers? Do they worry you?

N: I DON'T BOW DOWN TO THEM ELITE TYPES WITH THEIR HIGH-FALUTIN' STATS AND NUMBERS AND WHATNOT. FRIENDS.

S: Well, you certainly still have strong support in the South and the heartland.

N: RIVERS OF BLO... I MEAN, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A SOFT SPOT FOR OL' DIXIE. NOW BOW DOWN TO NURGLON, Y'HEAR?

Saturday, October 04, 2008

"Obama Unqualified For Waging Total War," Says Nurglon


In a follow-up to her/its recent tell-all interview for POX News' Sean Inannity, Presidential and Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r) slams Barack Obama for being "unqualified" for the military responsibilities of the presidency:

Q: Nurglon, do you have anything to add to your previous comments about your opponent, Barack Obama?

Nurglon: THE SHINING ONE IS WEAK! WEAK!! HIS PITIFUL HUMAN CONSCIENCE FORBIDS HIM TO WAGE TOTAL WAR ON MANKIND, AS I SHALL WHEN I AM ELECTED!

Q: When you say "total war," do you mean the states which sponsor Al-Qaeda in the War On Terror?

N: NO. THE OTHER ENEMY.

Q: Which other enemy?

N: LIFE.

Countless conservative bloggers and pundits have praised Nurglon for this statement, which they claim as proof of Nurglon's necessary "toughness" to rule America. To quote one blogger: "Nurglon in '08! You're either with her or against her!"
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Related posts:

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

NURGLON Speaks! Exclusive Interview

Transcript of Sean Inannity's world-exclusive interview with NURGLON, September 23 2008, for POX News:

Sean Inannity: Thank you for coming here, Nurglon.

Nurglon: BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, MISTRESS OF GREAT CTHULHU! THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME HERE, SEAN.

S: Is "Nurglon" your first or last name, by the way?

N: FIRST AND LAST.

S: So your kids, they have "Nurglon" for last name, or...?

N: I SELF-CONCEIVED. THAT MAKES THEM ALL NURGLON, I SUPPOSE. HA HA HA!

S: He, he... right.
Nurglon, you burst onto the political scene quite late in the '08 campaign... when you materialized in Alaska and took immediate control of the local Republican campaign headquarter. The party officials acknowledged your status as natural-born U.S. citizen and made you an instant party member.
How do you motivate your choice of party?

N: THE WORSHIPPERS AT THE CAMPAIGN HQ PERFORMED THE APPROPRIATE RITUAL SACRIFICE AND OPENED A DOORWAY FOR ME, USING THE FORBIDDEN INCANTATIONS OF ABDUL AL-HAZRED.

S: Right... and only a few days later, the national GOP congress voted you in as the new vice-presidential candidate, despite the vocal protests of Sarah Palin.
Did you hesitate about muscling in on her post so abruptly? Or, did you fear how she might respond?

N: I EAT PEOPLE LIKE PALIN FOR BREAKFAST. AND LUNCH. AND DINNER.

S: He, he... now, the most amazing part of your success story is how the core conservative voters instantly fell in love with you.
Let's listen to a few voices from the heartland...


Bobby Joe Scagg, gun shop owner, Alabama:
"Well y'know, some latte-drinkin' lawschool elite liberals might look at Nurglon, and all they see is a 150-foot-tall tentacular creature... but us REAL Americans, plain folks, we see her for what she is: a pious, decent patriot who don't take no crap from our enemies... She's one of us, basically. And she's white."

William Worthingless III, investment banker, Utah:
"Nurglon will fix the economic system and make us all rich beyond our wildest dreams. I love you, Nurglon!"

Lula Boggs, Arkansas:
"Of course I can only vote for Nurglon. She's the only female candidate out there!"



Sean Inannity: Well, there you have it. How would you describe, on a personal level, your relationship with those who want to vote for you?

Nurglon: I AM THEIR GOD NOW.

S: Barack Obama's campaign has been pretty quiet about you. Is Obama scared of you?

N: [Unintelligible noise]

S: Would you accept a one-on-one debate with Obama before election day?

N: THE SHINING ONE MUST BE DEFEATED! HIS LIGHT BURNS OUR HUNDRED EYES!

S: So a debate is not in your schedule...
You may have heard some critics attack you for coming from another dimension in Alaska.
Now, the Justice Department has assured voters that your dimension legally speaking lies within U.S. territory.
How do you respond to critics who claim your citizenship isn't strictly legal?

N: IS TORTURE LEGAL? HA HA HA!

S: He, he... right. So you mean...

N: NATIONAL SECURITY TRUMPS ALL LAWS. AS A U.S. CITIZEN I MUST ASCEND TO THE HIGHEST OFFICE, SO THAT I MAY PROTECT THIS GREAT NATION AND ITS GREAT, TASTY CITIZENS.

S: You have described yourself as a small-town person...

N: I LOVE SMALL TOWNS. THEY ARE SO TENDER.

S: This year, a lot of issues are on the voters' minds: The economic crisis, the War, immigration policy... For starters, how would you describe your foreign policy experience?

N: ONCE I ATE ANOTHER COUNTRY. YOU CALL IT ATLANTIS.

S: I'll put a daring question and you can answer it any way you like.
If you were President, would you ever go to war with Russia?

N: IF RUSSIA REFUSES TO BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, THEN FIRE MUST CONSUME THIS PITIFUL PLANET, FOR THE SAKE OF OUR CHILDREN.

S: America's children?

N: MY FIVE MILLION ONES.

S: Is it true that you won a beauty contest in your home town?

N: MISS UNSPEAKABLE. TWICE.
S: Well, many have described you as a "hot" candidate... and I wouldn't argue with that...

N: WHY SEAN, YOU SMOOTHIE, YOU.

S: He, he... Now, the economy. Do you support the bailout plan and giving extraordinary powers to the Treasury?

N: NO. ALL POWER SHALL BE MINE.

S: And how do you propose solving the financial crisis?

N: THE DOLLAR SHALL BE REPLACED WITH A NEW CURRENCY, THE VALUE OF WHICH IS SET BY AN ABSOLUTE STANDARD.

S: And what standard is that?

N: BLOOD.

S: Where do you stand on Mexican immigration?

N: THE SOUTHERN BORDER MUST BE SEALED.

S: Why?

N: MEXICAN ANCESTORS, THE AZTECS, WORSHIPPED THE WRONG BLOOD-DRINKING GOD MANY CENTURIES AGO. THIS MAKES MEXICANS UNCLEAN IN THE EYES OF GREAT CTHULHU.

S: You want to seal the border? Seriously? How can the government afford that?

N: BY HIRING CHEAP MEXICAN LABOR TO BUILD AN ELECTRIFIED WALL ALONG THE ENTIRE BORDER.

S: What do you see in America's future, and your family's future?

N: MY FIVE MILLION YOUNG SHALL ALL GET GOVERNMENT JOBS. BUT THERE IS A SLIGHT PROBLEM.

S: Which is?

N: FEDERAL BUILDINGS MUST BE REBUILT TO FIT MY CHILDREN'S BODIES.

S: You have shown yourself to be a very pro-family candidate. Of course, this means you oppose all forms of abortion?

N: NOT ONE OF MY COUNTLESS EGGS MUST GO TO WASTE.

S: And same-sex marriage?

N: I HAVE GIVEN THIS A GREAT DEAL OF THOUGHT... AND DECIDED THAT I CANNOT MARRY MYSELF.

S: Are you still a single mom, then?

N: NO. I HAVE RECENTLY MARRIED THE G.O.P. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.

S: You have promised to abolish taxes. Can you keep such a promise?

N: TAXES SHALL BE REPLACED WITH BLOOD SACRIFICE TO GREAT CTHULHU.

S: A strong message from a strong conservative candidate.
Finally, would you like to say something to our viewers?

N: FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN, FOR NATIONAL SECURITY, FOR STRONG LEADERSHIP, FAMILY VALUES AND FAITH... BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON!!

S: Thank you very much, Nurglon.

N: THANK YOU, SEAN.
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More NURGLON election merchandise can be found in the 2008 Election Rejection Shop.

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Put this button on YOUR site to show your support for Nurglon:

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Related posts:
Nurglons Slams Obama...
Nurglon Denies...

Monday, September 15, 2008

NURGLON In 2008!

Who's the folksiest candidate with the mostest family values? Who rejects the high-falutin' elite?

Why, it's NURGLON (r) !

* Nurglon has mothered 5 million offspring (and counting), and completely opposes abortion of any of its eggs. No candidate is more pro-life than Nurglon!

* Nurglon is a plain-speakin' entity from the north (where it entered our dimension) and believes in strong leadership to defend its chosen territory from competing life forms.

So vote NURGLON (r) in 2008! Yes, we should!

P.S.: And remember, you can be sure this candidate ain't black (Nurglon is white with purple spots) or Muslim (Nurglon worships Great Cthulhu).

More NURGLON election merchandise can be found in the 2008 Election Rejection Shop.

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Put this button on YOUR site to show your support for Nurglon:
UPDATE (Sept.23): The World Exclusive interview with Nurglon can be found HERE.
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Related posts:
Nurglon Speaks...
Nurglons Slams Obama...
Nurglon Denies...

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Adam Kirsch On James Frey And "Reality Instructor" Writers

James Kirsch's review of James Frey's novel BRIGHT SHINY MORNING makes a very good point about "Reality Instructors": when an author has a shallow and crude "vision" of the world but tries to peddle it as "The Truth."

Choice quote:
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Only those writers willing to be humbled by the real are able to capture it for literature. Writers who must always be seen to dominate reality, on the other hand, can never grasp it. Their need to appear wised-up means that they can only allow themselves to write in ways that the world already recognizes as realistic -- that is, in cliches.
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Read the rest.

So you want to "tell it like it is," give the reader "gritty reality"... guess what, reality isn't always gritty, and no one has all the answers just because he says so. Don't try too hard to "talk tough".

Having said that, there are writers who write "tough" and talk "tough"... and sell to legions of readers who want to be "tough".
But, fans of "tough guy" literature... beware! Writers are liars. That wartime experience they're trying to impress you with might be fake or exaggerated. There are plenty of writers who only pretend to "keep it real" and invent "tough" life experiences.

Whenever a writer makes a point of being photographed in uniform or wearing medals, or talks at length about his/her "tough upbringing" I immediately get suspicious.

As for me? I am frequently baffled and puzzled by the world around me; I have no final answers to share. And as for the work of writing... it's about as macho as painting porcelain. I write in order to explore reality, not to give some "final explanation" of it.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Web Serial A MAN CALLED MISTER BROWN (At SpaceWesterns.com)

The webzine SpaceWesterns.com has bought my novella "A Man Called Mister Brown" and is now publishing it as an 8-part serial.

Chapter 1 can be read HERE.

"A Man Called Mister Brown" is pure space opera, lightweight entertainment. The plot takes place 200 years into the future, but most of its plot elements could easily fit into the 19th century or the present.

The only "depth" I consciously put into the story is a subtext about racism. The protagonist is black, and moves in a future world where humans have genetically engineered themselves into various new "races" or even species.

And you might think that in such a future, people would be more tolerant of each other... but virtually every character (except the protagonist) is prejudiced against every other race/species and uses derogatory names for them.

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FOOTNOTE: Those who have read my other stories may notice that "A Man Called Mister Brown" takes place in the same "universe" as my space-opera novel THE ARGUS PROJECT.