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Saturday, January 23, 2010

Health Insurance Ex-Boss Admits To Signing Blood Pact With Nurglon In 1945

Washington D.C. (POX News): During the annual fundraiser gala Phyllis Schlaflitt Sings Hitler Jugend Evergreens For Charity, POX News correspondent Sarah Tannin made a surprise interview with Bernie Geldliebe, retired ex-CEO of the Iron Cross Health Insurance Corporation.

When asked about Nurglon's recent bid to seize control of Congress, and her/its challenge to President Obama, Mr. Geldliebe made the surprise admission that he had been familiar with Nurglon since the end of World War II.

"Frankly, I don't know why the old ball of pus hasn't gone public about it. She'll be in charge of things soon enough, so let's not beat about the bush any longer.

"My corporation was the first to sign a pact of allegiance with Nurglon back in '45. In blood, of course. Wanna see the tattoo of fidelity she drew on my back, with her own tongue?

"All the other health insurance cos were quick to follow -- but I was first, dammit. We swore to obey, to gain power in her name, to rid the land of the weak, and she'd help us ride this stinkin' country like a harp from hell. Damn, this is good vodka. Hey, is that thing on?"

Mr. Geldliebe then hastened to correct himself, but suddenly collapsed and turned into a puddle of putrid black goo before the eyes of the other guests. The puddle was rapidly taken away to Mr. Geldliebe's own private emergency ward in D.C., and his condition is reported as "undead but stable."

For more on the developing Nurglon situation, stay tuned with POX News.

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Related stories:

- NURGLON IN 2008!
- Nurglon Rises From Grave

Friday, January 22, 2010

NURGLON For ALL Of Congress In 2010

NURGLON (r) today unveiled its first 2010 midterm election campaign poster:


Nurglon is running for all seats, as she/it will not accept compromise or negotiation -- and he/she, being 150 feet tall, needs all the space to fit inside the assembly.

Nurglon's campaign promises have been announced as the following:

- "NURGLONCARE": All unemployed shall be fed to Nurglon, thus ridding the nation of any who cannot afford private health insurance, and thus also solving the job crisis.

- FAMILY VALUES: The Many-Eyed Spawn of Nurglon, now counting roughly 100,000 surviving hatchlings, shall be incorporated into the U.S. federal government and replace its human members.

- PRO-TORTURE: Waterboarding shall be made mandatory for interrogating all suspects when they are taken away. Everyone is a potential suspect.

- MONETARY REFORM: Blood shall be the new currency, the value of which is absolute.

- WAR: Nurglon shall cleanse the earth from terror with torrents of fire and suffering. The survivors (if any) shall be safe to fight in the next war.

- FAITH: All must bow down and worship Nurglon, Mistress of Great Cthulhu.

In related news, talk radio host Rash Limburger has accused Nurglon of being "soft on terrorism" and a "Republican in Name Only."

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Nurglon Rises From Grave, Takes U.S. Government Hostage, Spits In President's Face, Proposes Eating Nation's Unemployed


Nurglon (archive photo, 2008)

WASHINGTON, D.C. (POX News): Former Presidential candidate Nurglon (r), long believed to be dead, appeared in the nation's capital and slithered into the Capitol building. Democratic Congressmen fled the site in panic, while scores of Republican politicians and staff bowed down in worship, chanting Nurglon's name.

Once seated across the entire Democratic segment of Congress, Nurglon promptly declared herself/itself the "de facto U.S. Government" and made the following proclamation on C-SPAN:

Nurglon (r): THERE IS NO HEALTH CARE REFORM BECAUSE THE WEAK ARE NOT FIT TO LIVE. I PROPOSE MY OWN REFORM TO SOLVE BOTH THE HEALTH CARE CRISIS AND THE JOB CRISIS IN ONE SWIFT MOVE.

I SHALL EAT ALL THE NATION'S UNEMPLOYED, AS THEY CANNOT AFFORD HEALTH CARE. PROBLEM SOLVED. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON YOUR GOD!

Nurglon received wild cheers from Republican Congressmen, who proceeded to chant "Eat the poor! Eat the poor!" for half an hour.

President Barack Obama (D) then appeared before the remaining half of Congress, and began to speak -- but was interrupted when a giant gob of spit hurled from Nurglon's maw knocked him off the speaker's pulpit. He was carried unconscious from the building but is reported to have suffered only a mild concussion.

When POX News' correspondent Sarah Tannin asked Nurglon why she/it no longer seemed afraid of the President, Nurglon explained:

HOW LITTLE PERSPECTIVE YOU PUNY HUMANS HAVE. THE SHINING ONE LOST FOR THE ONE REASON I HAVE KNOWN FOR DECADES: BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS TURNED FROM THE PARTY OF THE CONFEDERACY INTO THE PARTY OF THE WEAK.

AND IT IS THE FATE OF THE TOOTHLESS TO BE EATEN BY THE RUTHLESS. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP YOUR GOD AND PRESIDENT -- NURGLON!!

For more on the developing situation, stay tuned with POX News.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Meanwhile, Back In 2008, Nurglon Said...


Interviewed by POX News during her campaign back in late 2008, Nurglon(r) said....

Sean Inannity: [...]You may have heard some critics attack you for coming from another dimension in Alaska.Now, the Justice Department has assured voters that your dimension legally speaking lies within U.S. territory. 
How do you respond to critics who claim your citizenship isn't strictly legal?

Nurglon: IS TORTURE LEGAL? HA HA HA!


Well, thank the stars that Nurglon's dead and isn't coming back. Right?

Right......?