Nick Mamatas On "It's Just Business"

Well, read it (it's too long to quote fairly):
"It's Just Business"

Homepage Update for Feb. 01, 2010...

Homepage updated... can't talk... busy.

Homepage Update... With Vampires

In this week's Official Website update:
- More chapters of the novels DARC AGES and THE ARGUS PROJECT.
- Another sample chapter of my unsold vampire-comedy novel BLOOD & SWINE: A Comedy of Terrors.

Choice quote from BLOOD & SWINE:
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He would retreat to a safe distance, then call and warn his grandparents...
Then, the phone in his hand loudly bleated out a high-pitched "Crazy Toad" ringtone he had bought a few weeks ago:

Glory, Glory Hallelujah
Glory, Glory Hallelujah
Glory, Glory Hallelujah...

His fingers trembled so badly he couldn't punch the "Stop" button properly, and the phone kept bleating. Gripped by irrational panic, Carl threw the phone on the ground and stomped on it. It bleeped one last Glory, Glory... - he stomped on it again - and it finally gave up the ghost.

With a sigh of relief, Carl looked around. Nobody had heard him. He had smashed the phone in vain.
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Enjoy...

Health Insurance Ex-Boss Admits To Signing Blood Pact With Nurglon In 1945

Washington D.C. (POX News): During the annual fundraiser gala Phyllis Schlaflitt Sings Hitler Jugend Evergreens For Charity, POX News correspondent Sarah Tannin made a surprise interview with Bernie Geldliebe, retired ex-CEO of the Iron Cross Health Insurance Corporation.

When asked about Nurglon's recent bid to seize control of Congress, and her/its challenge to President Obama, Mr. Geldliebe made the surprise admission that he had been familiar with Nurglon since the end of World War II.

"Frankly, I don't know why the old ball of pus hasn't gone public about it. She'll be in charge of things soon enough, so let's not beat about the bush any longer.

"My corporation was the first to sign a pact of allegiance with Nurglon back in '45. In blood, of course. Wanna see the tattoo of fidelity she drew on my back, with her own tongue?

"All the other health insurance cos were quick to follow -- but I was first, dammit. We swore to obey, to gain power in her name, to rid the land of the weak, and she'd help us ride this stinkin' country like a harp from hell. Damn, this is good vodka. Hey, is that thing on?"

Mr. Geldliebe then hastened to correct himself, but suddenly collapsed and turned into a puddle of putrid black goo before the eyes of the other guests. The puddle was rapidly taken away to Mr. Geldliebe's own private emergency ward in D.C., and his condition is reported as "undead but stable."

For more on the developing Nurglon situation, stay tuned with POX News.

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Related stories:

- NURGLON IN 2008!
- Nurglon Rises From Grave

NURGLON For ALL Of Congress In 2010

NURGLON (r) today unveiled its first 2010 midterm election campaign poster:

Nurglon is running for all seats, as she/it will not accept compromise or negotiation -- and he/she, being 150 feet tall, needs all the space to fit inside the assembly.

Nurglon's campaign promises have been announced as the following:

- "NURGLONCARE": All unemployed shall be fed to Nurglon, thus ridding the nation of any who cannot afford private health insurance, and thus also solving the job crisis.

- FAMILY VALUES: The Many-Eyed Spawn of Nurglon, now counting roughly 100,000 surviving hatchlings, shall be incorporated into the U.S. federal government and replace its human members.

- PRO-TORTURE: Waterboarding shall be made mandatory for interrogating all suspects when they are taken away. Everyone is a potential suspect.

- MONETARY REFORM: Blood shall be the new currency, the value of which is absolute.

- WAR: Nurglon shall cleanse the earth from terror with torrents of fire and suffering. The survivors (if any) shall be safe to fight in the next war.

- FAITH: All must bow down and worship Nurglon, Mistress of Great Cthulhu.

In related news, talk radio host Rash Limburger has accused Nurglon of being "soft on terrorism" and a "Republican in Name Only."

BREAKING NEWS: Nurglon Rises From Grave, Takes U.S. Government Hostage, Spits In President's Face, Proposes Eating Nation's Unemployed

Nurglon (archive photo, 2008)

WASHINGTON, D.C. (POX News): Former Presidential candidate Nurglon (r), long believed to be dead, appeared in the nation's capital and slithered into the Capitol building. Democratic Congressmen fled the site in panic, while scores of Republican politicians and staff bowed down in worship, chanting Nurglon's name.

Once seated across the entire Democratic segment of Congress, Nurglon promptly declared herself/itself the "de facto U.S. Government" and made the following proclamation on C-SPAN:

Nurglon (r): THERE IS NO HEALTH CARE REFORM BECAUSE THE WEAK ARE NOT FIT TO LIVE. I PROPOSE MY OWN REFORM TO SOLVE BOTH THE HEALTH CARE CRISIS AND THE JOB CRISIS IN ONE SWIFT MOVE.

I SHALL EAT ALL THE NATION'S UNEMPLOYED, AS THEY CANNOT AFFORD HEALTH CARE. PROBLEM SOLVED. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON YOUR GOD!

Nurglon received wild cheers from Republican Congressmen, who proceeded to chant "Eat the poor! Eat the poor!" for half an hour.

President Barack Obama (D) then appeared before the remaining half of Congress, and began to speak -- but was interrupted when a giant gob of spit hurled from Nurglon's maw knocked him off the speaker's pulpit. He was carried unconscious from the building but is reported to have suffered only a mild concussion.

When POX News' correspondent Sarah Tannin asked Nurglon why she/it no longer seemed afraid of the President, Nurglon explained:

HOW LITTLE PERSPECTIVE YOU PUNY HUMANS HAVE. THE SHINING ONE LOST FOR THE ONE REASON I HAVE KNOWN FOR DECADES: BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS TURNED FROM THE PARTY OF THE CONFEDERACY INTO THE PARTY OF THE WEAK.

AND IT IS THE FATE OF THE TOOTHLESS TO BE EATEN BY THE RUTHLESS. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP YOUR GOD AND PRESIDENT -- NURGLON!!

For more on the developing situation, stay tuned with POX News.

Meanwhile, Back In 2008, Nurglon Said...

Interviewed by POX News during her campaign back in late 2008, Nurglon(r) said....

Sean Inannity: [...]You may have heard some critics attack you for coming from another dimension in Alaska.Now, the Justice Department has assured voters that your dimension legally speaking lies within U.S. territory. 
How do you respond to critics who claim your citizenship isn't strictly legal?

Nurglon: IS TORTURE LEGAL? HA HA HA!

Well, thank the stars that Nurglon's dead and isn't coming back. Right?

Right......?

Homepage Update...

I've been down with the stomach flu, so this Official Website update is a bit light:

- Another chapter of the epic adventure serial DARC AGES;

- "Killed in the Ratings", another story in the cycle PRECINCT 20: DEAD STRANGE.
This story is a fairly lengthy one, and it's more light-hearted than the other "Precinct 20" stories... apart from the gruesome knife-murder scene, that is. In some ways it's a send-up of the traditional "Locked Room" mysteries.
It originally appeared on my old homepage in 2004 -- unfortunately riddled with typos and inconsistencies, which I have now fixed.

Enjoy...

Suggestion: Liveblogging An Improvised Novel (What Do You Think?)

I just recovered from a bad stomach flu (bleh), and as I felt my creative powers surge back, I had a sudden notion I'd like to put forward and hear what you think of it.

I'd like to try this: I'll improvise a novel completely from scratch. It'll be based on existing characters, and the barest plot skeleton, but I won't know the ending in advance. (Normally I plot a novel meticulously before I start writing.)

I'd spend 15 minutes each day writing an installment of the novel and then post it virtually unedited, on this blog. It would be like liveblogging the writing process.

And to avoid thorny copyright issues (I don't want some crank claiming that I "stole his suggestions"), comments will be closed for each installment.

It might be fun. I have NO idea how the novel will turn out, but at least I'll have unlimited time to finish it (whenever that might be).

What do you think? Would you read it? (Suggested genre: post-apocalyptic "road movie" story.)

:-S

IN THE YEAR 2010...

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... The sun will keep rising every day, blithely ignoring the demise of all the dead religions which sacrificed human lives to keep the sun going.

IN THE YEAR 2010...

Let us look into the future, friends... all the way to the year 2010. IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN...

[New Age music plays in background]


IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... the new catch-phrase on everyone's lips is: "Crazy like Fox."

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... a very small tsunami wrecks your garden shed, then moves on down the street.

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... the War on Terror is officially declared over and succeeded by the War on Jeff Dunham.

Today, Finally...

... the copy I ordered of YOU MIGHT SLEEP..., Nick Mamatas's short-story collection, arrived in the mail. Wo-hoo!

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN...

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... a giant flaming hand, belonging to some unspeakably evil being from Beyond, emerges through a crack in the sky, grabs televangelist Pat Robertson and drags him screaming into a fiery inferno from which no man has ever returned... then the crack shuts.

IN THE YEAR 2010...

Let us look into the future, friends... all the way to the year 2010. IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN...

[New Age music plays in background]

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... Scientists will discover that sports cause brain damage, drug addiction and shortened lifespans. Furious sports fans suicide-bomb universities in protest.

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... the newspaper industry, in a desperate attempt to increase sales, introduces the pinup segments Page 1 Girl, Page 2 Girl, Page 4 Girl, Page 5 Girl, Page 6 Girl, Page 7 Girl and Weather Page Girl.

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... Life is discovered on Mars... but is accidentally squashed under the wheels of a passing space probe.

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... a new religion promising the return of Roy Orbison gains millions of followers worldwide. Countless Elvis impersonators are re-educated to wear black and sunglasses.

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... it is revealed that the oil wells of the Middle East ran dry years ago, and the OPEC has been selling liquefied poop ever since.

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... Barack Obama is accused of being a secret Kinder Egg collector.

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... Simon Cowell is voted out of the Reality TV contest "American Reality TV Host".

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... it is really the year 2043 AD.

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... an actual Confederacy of Dunces is exposed. A major TV news network responds with the slogan "I'm With Dunce" and promotes a new Dunce Party.

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... the last printed newspaper on Earth goes bankrupt. From then on, all people rely entirely on Johnny the Shoeshine Boy for news and information.

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND-TEN... a conservative politican goes on a public rant about the low morals of minorities, foreigners and non-Christians... and EXACTLY ONE MINUTE LATER is revealed to have had a long affair with a close friend's family, said family's gardener, the gardener's pet parrot, his tractor, and a troupe of circus midgets.

(To be continued)

Homepage Update For January 10, 2010:

Homepage Updates:

- Chapter 14 of DARC AGES ;

- Chapter 10 of THE TIME IDIOT.

Choice quote from THE TIME IDIOT, Chapter 10 (a novel in search of a publisher):
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He gave the corpse of Stalin one last look, and shuddered. "May God have mercy on your soul, you godless Commie bastard," said Prescott and climbed into the pod. "Mission accomplished."
------------
Read the rest.

First Homepage Update Of 2010

First homepage update of the new year:

DARC AGES, BLOOD & SWINE, TERRA HEXA and THE ARGUS PROJECT.

Enjoy...

Nick Mamatas: " Couting Coup with a Pig-Sticker"

I frequently read the author Nick Mamatas's sharp, witty, often scathing blog for its insights into the writing game.

If you are in the habit of submitting your fiction to publishers (and isn't it ironic how we use the term "Submit", with all its masochistic implications), then his column "Couting Coup with a Pig-Sticker" should be of particular interest to you.

Choice Quote 1:
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I received an offer letter for Move Under Ground from an independent foreign-language publisher (language announcement TK on signing) this morning. A good Christmas present, one made better by the fact that the same publisher had rejected the book earlier this year, but with a promise to send it along to a friend of his at another company with a more amenable list.

He wrote, this morning, "On a second thought and a more selfish one I admit, I hate the idea of giving the book to somebody else since I liked it so much..."

This sort of thing happens to me a lot.
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Choice Quote 2:
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I suppose one of the charges I get from writing and submitting fiction is the sense of "Yes! BOW to the story, Oinky!" I get when receiving acceptance letters. And, truth be told, I've been Oinky myself. I originally rejected Kristin Mandigma's Excerpt From a Letter by a Social-Realist Aswang for Clarkesworld, the decision made purely from the fear that I'd be the only one to like the story.
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Read the rest.

From the above column I gather that

1) Publishing is governed chiefly by fear;
2) Do not second-guess yourself - write what you want to, not what you think "will sell" because nobody really knows what "will sell";
3) "Yes! BOW to the story, Oinky!"