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Thursday, April 22, 2010

NURGLON SLAMS PRESIDENT'S FINANCIAL REFORM BID, PRESENTS OWN SWEEPING REFORM PACKAGE

POX News, Washington, D.C., April 22:
POX News reporter Bill Hairdo has had a brief Q & A with Rage Party leader Nurglon, where she/it outlined a response to President Obama's finance reform bid:

Bill Hairdo: Nurglon, how do you react to worries that another big bank failure might cripple the economy, repeating history, if nothing is done about limiting the size of banks?

Nurglon: I AM AGAINST LIMITING THE SIZE OF ANYTHING! I MUST GROW, AND GROW, AND PRODUCE MORE OF MY SPAWN TO ENGULF THIS PITIFUL PLANET!

B: But how will that stance go down with small-town America?

N: SMALL-TOWN AMERICA WILL GO DOWN INSIDE ME! HA HA HA!

B: Critics accuse your party, the Repu... sorry, the Rage Party, of being in the pockets of the financial sector...

N: SO? WHAT IS WRONG WITH BLIND OBEDIENCE TO POWER? ALL-AMERICAN, PATRIOTIC, FAMILY-VALUES-FRIENDLY, GOD-FEARING, PRO-MILITARY POWER. GOSHDARN IT.

B: So your party will do nothing?

N: OF COURSE NOT! BY GOLLY! WE SHALL SEIZE POWER TO PUSH THROUGH OUR OWN FINANCIAL REFORM PACKAGE!

B: Tell us more.

N: FIRST, AS I'VE MENTIONED BEFORE, THE DOLLAR WILL BE REPLACED WITH THE CURRENCY OF BLOOD. SECOND, THE BIGGEST BANKS WILL BE GIVEN FREE REIGN TO TRADE AND SELL THE GREAT UNTAPPED AMERICAN RESOURCE.

B: Offshore oil?

N: THE POOR.

B: And by "the poor," you mean...

N: THE UNEMPLOYED! FOR STARTERS! THEN... WE'LL REDEFINE "POVERTY" ALONG A SLIDING SCALE.

B: Wait a minute... do you propose we reinstate slavery??

N: OF COURSE NOT! THAT WOULD BE WRONG! AMERICANS ARE TOO LAZY AND UNRELIABLE TO MAKE GOOD SLAVES! WE TRADE THEIR BLOOD AND ORGANS INSTEAD.

B: In your reform package, what about boosting trade exports, for instance to China?

N: WHEN I CLEANSE THE WORLD FROM TERROR WITH TORRENTS OF NUCLEAR FIRE, FOREIGN TRADE WILL CEASE TO BE AN ISSUE.

B: Wouldn't global war put a strain on the already strained U.S. budget?

N: ANYONE WHO TALKS ABOUT NUMBERS AND BUDGETS IS AN ELITIST SOCIALIST UN-AMERICAN SECRET MUSLIM WITH A FALSE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

B: Thank you, Nurglon.

N:
BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, MISTRESS OF GREAT CTHULHU! YOU MAY KISS ONE OF MY TENTACLES.

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