Transcript of Sean Inannity's world-exclusive interview with NURGLON, September 23 2008, for POX News:
Sean Inannity: Thank you for coming here, Nurglon.
Nurglon: BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, MISTRESS OF GREAT CTHULHU! THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME HERE, SEAN.
S: Is "Nurglon" your first or last name, by the way?
N: FIRST AND LAST.
S: So your kids, they have "Nurglon" for last name, or...?
N: I SELF-CONCEIVED. THAT MAKES THEM ALL NURGLON, I SUPPOSE. HA HA HA!
S: He, he... right.
Nurglon, you burst onto the political scene quite late in the '08 campaign... when you materialized in Alaska and took immediate control of the local Republican campaign headquarter. The party officials acknowledged your status as natural-born U.S. citizen and made you an instant party member.
How do you motivate your choice of party?
N: THE WORSHIPPERS AT THE CAMPAIGN HQ PERFORMED THE APPROPRIATE RITUAL SACRIFICE AND OPENED A DOORWAY FOR ME, USING THE FORBIDDEN INCANTATIONS OF ABDUL AL-HAZRED.
S: Right... and only a few days later, the national GOP congress voted you in as the new vice-presidential candidate, despite the vocal protests of Sarah Palin.
Did you hesitate about muscling in on her post so abruptly? Or, did you fear how she might respond?
N: I EAT PEOPLE LIKE PALIN FOR BREAKFAST. AND LUNCH. AND DINNER.
S: He, he... now, the most amazing part of your success story is how the core conservative voters instantly fell in love with you.
Let's listen to a few voices from the heartland...
Bobby Joe Scagg, gun shop owner, Alabama:
"Well y'know, some latte-drinkin' lawschool elite liberals might look at Nurglon, and all they see is a 150-foot-tall tentacular creature... but us REAL Americans, plain folks, we see her for what she is: a pious, decent patriot who don't take no crap from our enemies... She's one of us, basically. And she's white."
William Worthingless III, investment banker, Utah:
"Nurglon will fix the economic system and make us all rich beyond our wildest dreams. I love you, Nurglon!"
Lula Boggs, Arkansas:
"Of course I can only vote for Nurglon. She's the only female candidate out there!"
Sean Inannity: Well, there you have it. How would you describe, on a personal level, your relationship with those who want to vote for you?
Nurglon: I AM THEIR GOD NOW.
S: Barack Obama's campaign has been pretty quiet about you. Is Obama scared of you?
N: [Unintelligible noise]
S: Would you accept a one-on-one debate with Obama before election day?
N: THE SHINING ONE MUST BE DEFEATED! HIS LIGHT BURNS OUR HUNDRED EYES!
S: So a debate is not in your schedule...
You may have heard some critics attack you for coming from another dimension in Alaska.
Now, the Justice Department has assured voters that your dimension legally speaking lies within U.S. territory.
How do you respond to critics who claim your citizenship isn't strictly legal?
N: IS TORTURE LEGAL? HA HA HA!
S: He, he... right. So you mean...
N: NATIONAL SECURITY TRUMPS ALL LAWS. AS A U.S. CITIZEN I MUST ASCEND TO THE HIGHEST OFFICE, SO THAT I MAY PROTECT THIS GREAT NATION AND ITS GREAT, TASTY CITIZENS.
S: You have described yourself as a small-town person...
N: I LOVE SMALL TOWNS. THEY ARE SO TENDER.
S: This year, a lot of issues are on the voters' minds: The economic crisis, the War, immigration policy... For starters, how would you describe your foreign policy experience?
N: ONCE I ATE ANOTHER COUNTRY. YOU CALL IT ATLANTIS.
S: I'll put a daring question and you can answer it any way you like.
If you were President, would you ever go to war with Russia?
N: IF RUSSIA REFUSES TO BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, THEN FIRE MUST CONSUME THIS PITIFUL PLANET, FOR THE SAKE OF OUR CHILDREN.
S: America's children?
N: MY FIVE MILLION ONES.
S: Is it true that you won a beauty contest in your home town?
N: MISS UNSPEAKABLE. TWICE.
S: Well, many have described you as a "hot" candidate... and I wouldn't argue with that...
N: WHY SEAN, YOU SMOOTHIE, YOU.
S: He, he... Now, the economy. Do you support the bailout plan and giving extraordinary powers to the Treasury?
N: NO. ALL POWER SHALL BE MINE.
S: And how do you propose solving the financial crisis?
N: THE DOLLAR SHALL BE REPLACED WITH A NEW CURRENCY, THE VALUE OF WHICH IS SET BY AN ABSOLUTE STANDARD.
S: And what standard is that?
S: Where do you stand on Mexican immigration?
N: THE SOUTHERN BORDER MUST BE SEALED.
N: MEXICAN ANCESTORS, THE AZTECS, WORSHIPPED THE WRONG BLOOD-DRINKING GOD MANY CENTURIES AGO. THIS MAKES MEXICANS UNCLEAN IN THE EYES OF GREAT CTHULHU.
S: You want to seal the border? Seriously? How can the government afford that?
N: BY HIRING CHEAP MEXICAN LABOR TO BUILD AN ELECTRIFIED WALL ALONG THE ENTIRE BORDER.
S: What do you see in America's future, and your family's future?
N: MY FIVE MILLION YOUNG SHALL ALL GET GOVERNMENT JOBS. BUT THERE IS A SLIGHT PROBLEM.
S: Which is?
N: FEDERAL BUILDINGS MUST BE REBUILT TO FIT MY CHILDREN'S BODIES.
S: You have shown yourself to be a very pro-family candidate. Of course, this means you oppose all forms of abortion?
N: NOT ONE OF MY COUNTLESS EGGS MUST GO TO WASTE.
S: And same-sex marriage?
N: I HAVE GIVEN THIS A GREAT DEAL OF THOUGHT... AND DECIDED THAT I CANNOT MARRY MYSELF.
S: Are you still a single mom, then?
N: NO. I HAVE RECENTLY MARRIED THE G.O.P. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.
S: You have promised to abolish taxes. Can you keep such a promise?
N: TAXES SHALL BE REPLACED WITH BLOOD SACRIFICE TO GREAT CTHULHU.
S: A strong message from a strong conservative candidate.
Finally, would you like to say something to our viewers?
N: FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN, FOR NATIONAL SECURITY, FOR STRONG LEADERSHIP, FAMILY VALUES AND FAITH... BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON!!
S: Thank you very much, Nurglon.
N: THANK YOU, SEAN.
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