DARC AGES Book One: The Awakening - new illustrated English edition!

After being released in Swedish in March 2016, my trilogy DARC AGES is now being re-released in English. I shall explain the why and how...

First, a little back story:

My space-opera epic (or series of novels) called DARC AGES has a long history of false starts and reboots. (If I ever write my autobigraphy, which is highly doubtful, it should be titled A Long History of False Starts and Reboots.)

It first appeared as an illustrated Web serial in 1999-2000.
(No, not on this webpage, but on my very first website with the overly obvious title "Read My Books For Free," which no longer exists.)

The Web serial and its illustrations were based on an insanely detailed synopsis for a graphic novel (which was never completed, but that's another back story which is explained in the Afterword to the published Swedish edition of the DARC AGES trilogy).

The Web serial got some positive reader responses. But still I struggled to find a publisher for the manuscript - so I tried several times to self-publish (through Xlibris, CafePress.com and Amazon.com). Self-publishing is not something I would recommend for beginners. The pitfalls are many, and I fell into several of them.

Then I set DARC AGES (more or less) aside and focused on other things. I got short fiction and books published "legit" here and there, and achieved a very modest degree of respectability as a "proper" writer.

Fast-forward to 2015, when my wife had reminded me many, many times that she enjoyed DARC AGES very much and I shouldn't give up on it. (Stephen King's wife similarly encouraged him not to give up on CARRIE. Writers need understanding spouses like fish need water.)

So I approached my Swedish publisher and proposed that I would translate the entire epic into Swedish for a re-release, with all the original artwork included - as an e-book, to minimize the financial risk.

To her eternal credit, the publisher said yes.

It soon dawned on me that the manuscript needed more than translation and proofreading. Parts of it felt rushed. The supporting characters were too sketchy. I added passages and improved old ones, and also made the same changes to the English version... in effect I was rewriting the same novel in two languages simultaneously.

Then I dug out my original artwork from the attic (literally from a cardboard box of drawings in the attic). Fortunately the ink had not faded noticeably, but the art needed some digital improvement.

So I scanned the original paper drawings, polished up the line art on my computer, added gray tones and created an entirely new book cover and logo.

My Swedish publisher was so impressed with the result that she released DARC AGES as a trilogy, not only as an e-book but also in pocketbook format. The Swedish release occurred in March 2016. (The earliest review gave the first part of the trilogy 4 stars out of 5.)

Now, at last, I have decided to release the entire revised, expanded 4th edition of DARC AGES in English on Amazon.com -- it's still self-publishing, but I feel that the "properly" published Swedish edition increases the "credibility" of the English version.
 (Is that wrong? Then please write to "aryngve-AT-gmail-DOT-com" or my Facebook page, and explain to me why I ought to spend another sixteen years on finding an American/British publisher.)

First out is of course Book One, soon to be followed by Book Two and Three... and once the fourth part of the series has been released in Sweden, I intend to release it in an English translation as well.

Have a look at the first few pages -- and illustrations -- of the English edition HERE.

But what really matters to you, Dear Reader, is of course the question "Are these books any good?"

The very first review of the new illustrated 4th edition was positive:
-------------------
For some reason I get a nostalgic feeling when I read this. Perhaps it is the narrative momentum, or that the author has used classical SF symbolism. It may also be the illustrations that create an association to older SF stories.

It is an exciting book in an accessible, simple style. The latter is a relief because it seems to have become fashionable to write as long-winded and complicated as possible. Only what is relevant is described, the tedious parts are fast-forwarded. It's probably a book that even impatient people with reading difficulties could absorb without difficulty.
 
Darc Ages is a rather lighthearted adventure story where David gets to know the new world, impresses others with his knowledge and abilities, and in true heroic spirit tries to help the people who saved him.

[translated quote]
-------------------

On this blog I will tell you more about how DARC AGES came to be, and where it might be going. Watch this space...

ADDENDUM (Nov. 2, 2016):
Since this article was posted, Books I-III of DARC AGES have been released in Swedish and English. The fourth book in the series is being written.

Find out more at the official DARC AGES website.

The Best Autobiography EVER!

I'm reading a riveting life's story! Truly, this guy lived an interesting life. Just let me quote a brief passage from this must-read book:
 ----------------
A HAIRY LIFE
The autobiography of Chewbacca

Chapter 1: My birth

NNNRAHH HRRRANH RHEEAAH RHHBAHHAH? HNNH AHRRN AARRH RHAAHYYH. HEEHRRRAAH NRRH HAAHN HRROLOH! HNRRH [...]
----------------

Den första recensionen av "DARC AGES - De mörka tidevarven"

Den allra första recensionen av den första delen av "DARC AGES - De mörka tidevarven" har dykt upp -- på websajten Catahya.net.

Citat:
"Alla ingredienser som hör till genren finns med. Till skillnad från Terra Hexa[*] är den här  framtidsvärlden mer fundamental och trovärdig. Man dras in i illusionen av att så här skulle det verkligen kunna bli efter en katastrof. Att världen är främmande men samtidigt mycket välbekant är också det en styrka. Det finns vissa saker som jag saknar. Bland annat att det aldrig blir mycket mer än just underhållning, och att det inte finns några starka kvinnliga karaktärer i berättelsen. Men alla böcker kan väl inte vara “genuscertifierade” antar jag. Den svartvita uppdelningen i ont och gott är väl också något som hör äventyrsberättelser till även om jag själv oftast föredrar gråskalor. Men det är ändå en riktigt bra bok."

Catahyas recensent gav "DARC AGES - De mörka tidevarven - Första boken: Uppvaknandet" betyget 4 av 5. 
Läs hela recensionen här.

(* "Terra Hexa" är en bokserie av samma författare, utgiven på Wela Förlag.)

"DARC AGES - De mörka tidevarven" finns nu att låna på biblioteken

Det gick fort:
E-bokversionen av "DARC AGES - De mörka tidevarven" finns redan att låna på biblioteken.

E-bokversionen ute nu!

Nu finns trilogin också som e-bok! DARC AGES - De mörka tidevarven finns att köpa på Muntligt.se.

"Darc Ages - De mörka tidevarven" säljs nu på Bokus.com!

Nu säljs böckerna i trilogin "Darc Ages - De mörka tidevarven" för bara 117 kr styck på Bokus.com:

http://www.bokus.com/bok/9789187711619/uppvaknandet/
http://www.bokus.com/bok/9789187711626/odemarkens-barn/
http://www.bokus.com/bok/9789187711633/slaget-om-framtiden/

Böckerna är i storpocketformat, med många konstfulla illustrationer i svartvitt och gråtoner.

Skriver du bokrecensioner och önskar beställa recensionexemplar? Kontakta då Wela Förlag.

Vill du veta mer om DARC AGES? Om du råkar vara i Oslo på torsdag den 17:e mars, håller jag ett föredrag om trilogin för science fiction-föreningen Aniara...

... eller läs denna intervju där jag berättar om trilogin, på nättidskriften Barrikaden.

Intervju i webbmagasinet Barrikaden

Intervju i Barrikaden: "Fansen har makten att låta 'Darc Ages' leva eller dö"

Citat:
---------------------------
Beskriv handlingen i trilogin?
– Huvudpersonen låter frysa ner sig levande när han fått obotlig cancer. Han blir återuppväckt i framtiden och botad – men då har det gått 900 år, och världen har hamnat i en slags retro-medeltid där han måste överleva och finna sitt öde… och han får namnet ”Darc”.

– Hela historien är illustrerad – jag var serietecknare innan jag slog mig på att skriva prosa. Detta är en ”publikfriare” med massor av action och äventyr, romantik, drama, nattsvarta skurkar, ädla hjältar och hjältinnor, talande robotar, hemska monster, tragiska mutanter och en hälsosam dos humor.

Riktar den sig till någon särskild målgrupp?
– Tonåringar i alla åldrar. Om du gillar ”Star Wars” men är redo för någonting lite mer vuxet, så är ”Darc Ages” definitivt för dig. Och berättelsens ”retro-medeltid” kanske faller ”Game of Thrones”-fansen i smaken.

Den har getts ut på webben tidigare eller var är den publicerad innan?
– Först kom trilogin som illustrerad engelsk följetong på webben, 1999-2000. Sedan gav jag ut den själv på engelska — först som Print-on-Demand, sedan som e-bok på Amazon.com. Först förra året började jag översätta den till svenska. Snacka om att ta en lång omväg mot målet…
---------------------------
Läs hela intervjun här.

"DARC AGES - De mörka tidevarven" pocketutgåvan kom i posten idag...

DARC AGES - De mörka tidevarven pocketutgåvan kom i posten idag... och så här ser den ut:

Den digitala tidsåldern i all ära... men det är en alldeles speciell känsla att se sina egna ord (och bilder) på tryckt papper.

Hela trilogin DARC AGES - De mörka tidevarven säljs nu på Adlibris. (Om du är en snåljåp som jag, be ditt lokala bibliotek att köpa in böckerna!)

DARC AGES - De Mörka Tidevarven -- trilogin nu ute på Adlibris.se och Bokliv.se!

Idag släpptes min illustrerade trilogi DARC AGES - De Mörka Tidevarven på nätbokhandlarna Adlibris och Bokliv.

I skrivande stund har Adlibris det billigaste erbjudandet för den häftade storpocketversionen:

- 128 kr per bok (OBS: inte hela trilogin)

- fri frakt för privatpersoner 

- skickas inom 5‑7 vardagar

 Så vad handlar den här trilogin om änna då? Jag ska berätta mer om den på denna blogg, så kom tillbaka....

 

"DARC AGES - De Mörka Tidevarven" pocketutgåvan släpps idag!

 Från och med idag kan den tryckta illustrerade storpocket-utgåvan av DARC AGES - De Mörka Tidevarven beställas från Ord & Bok.

Romanens många illustrationer (i svartvitt med gråtoner) kommer till sin rätt i detta format. Här följer några smakprov på dem...

Här beställer du trilogin som storpocket:
Första Boken: Uppvaknandet
Andra Boken: Ödemarkens Barn
Tredje Boken: Slaget om Framtiden

E-bokutgåvan kommer Mycket Snart...

"Börja om från början..."

Den här bloggen behöver en omstart. På svenska. Coming soon...

Nick Mamatas: "Beware The Wineglass-Shaped Story"

Some good advice about story structure.

Choice quote:
----------------------

First there is generally a long sentence about the setting. A character can be introduced right away, that's for sure. But the character is primarily there to think about the setting. So to better explain it to the audience, you see. All the senses are engaged, as is the writing-class rule. Then finally, dialogue.
Short elliptical sentences of dialogue.
A tiny bit of action.
Some more.
Yeah?
Ok.
Then it picks up a bit again.
The setting becomes important, something is discovered.
Then, there is a finger-wagging moral, or a piquant little turn of phrase. Thus, you know that the author has decided to stop writing. The story stops rather than ends.

----------------------

Will Nurglon Be The New Republican Contender For 2012?

After the coming and going of one GOP contender after another, angry old white racist voters are feeling increasingly frustrated with their shrinking options. Where is the candidate who gives voice to their fears, their phobias, their dementia, their deepest darkest urges?

Ladies and gentlemen, the Great White Hope is still waiting for another shot at the brass ring. I give you... NURGLON in 2012:

John Kessel: "The Future as Mirror: How SF Uses the Tomorrow to Understand Today"

Interesting video lecture by SF author John Kessel:

"The Future as Mirror: How SF Uses the Tomorrow to Understand Today"

(Thanks to Locus Online)

Joanna Russ: "Dirty Wordies, or, The Fiendish Thingie"

A big thank you to the blog future_of_feminism for posting this speech by the late, great Joanna Russ: 
"Dirty Wordies, or, The Fiendish Thingie" (1969)

There are so many quotable lines in this speech about writing and "taboo" words. Here are but a few:
----------------------
"There is a fashionable idea around today -- maybe I should not call it an idea, for I hardly think it attains to the complexity of real thinking -- there is this confused notion, then, that anger is somehow sacred, rage is holy, and you are justified in doing anything you please as long as you are angry enough -- and angry at the right targets, that is, at the currently fashionable targets. 
I do not agree. Being shocked is not in itself a good thing for people; on the contrary, it is a distinctly unpleasant experience, and the writer who shocks you on the grounds that it's good for people to be shocked is like the writer who hits you over the head with a brick on the grounds that it's good for people to be hit on the head now and then, and anyhow, he enjoys it." 

"One of the most annoying things in the world is the way dirty words can distract people from anything else -- when a reader gets shocked at a dirty wordie, he stops paying attention to the plot, to the characters, to the mood, to the theme, to everything. 
The dirty word is a little bomb that explodes and scatters the work of art in all directions."

"The whole effort of literary art is to make things speakable. Nothing should be unspeakable or unnameable. That's what language is for -- to name things."
-----------------------
Read the rest. I implore you.

Heinlein's Rules Of Writing, Deconstructed

 You may have heard of Heinlein's Rules, coined by Robert A. Heinlein:

1. You must write.
2. You must finish what you start.
3. You must refrain from rewriting except to editorial order.
4. You must put it on the market.
5. You must keep it on the market until sold.

Now, the blogger at Scrivener's Error (recommended as a beacon of sanity in a crazy world) picks apart these rules -- and I'd like to quote his/her conclusions:
-------------------
The key assumption that Heinlein makes — and it alters the meaning of each of the five rules, but these two [Rules 3 and 5] more than most — is that "You, as a writer, must already have a commercially valued, consistent brand and identity before you can effectively apply the following rules."

That is, the rules work only for writers whose shopping lists scribbled on napkins have commercial value due to their authorship.

That's not to say that there's no value at all in these rules, even for beginning writers; only that they require application of some artistic sense and literary and commercial analysis.

At some point, when too many readers are expressing the same sort of problem with your manuscript, it needs to be rewritten. At some point, it makes no commercial sense to continue circulating a manuscript that is not getting licensure offers.
-----------
(Read the rest)

Valid points, all. In fact, lots of very successful writers are not writing perfect books -- but they are doing enough things "right" to be readable and accessible to a wider audience.

How do you know when your writing is "good enough"? Tricky question, that one. I can only suggest the trite cliches "learn from your mistakes" and "practice makes perfect" -- trite, but true.

It also helps to have a clear, original vision. "Vision" is the theme that drives your writing. Writing itself may be a search to define and sharpen your personal vision. Is there a formula?

Maybe a little something like this:

Author's Vision + formal writing skill + Thorough Work + Luck = Success

Note that the above formula doesn't say when your work will be successful. Do you have lots of patience? Not all writers do, but most successful ones have lots of it -- and boy, does it help:

-------------------
After Stephen King had Carrie rejected by 30 different publishers he dumped pig's blood all over the publishers. No, I'm just kidding. Stephen King did throw Carrie in the trash though. Fortunately, his wife took it out of the trash and convinced King to try again.
-------------------
A patient spouse is also a good thing for a writer to have...

Poem: "We Must Support Our Troops"

Inspired by this article:

A.R.Yngve
WE MUST SUPPORT OUR TROOPS

We must support our troops!
Support support support!
Because they protect us!
Protect protect protect!
from Fear!
Fear! Fear! Fear!
Our Troops!
Troops! Troops! Troops!
Fear! Fear! Fear!
Our Men!
Our manly manly manly men!
Manly manly manly murder manly
manly manly female manly manly
manly manly manly target manly
manly manly bullet manly manly
manly manly goggles manly manly
manly manly Viagra manly manly
manly manly manly manly men!
Troops! Troops! Troops!
If you don't support our troops
If you won't support our troops
If you don't shout support our troops
then you are not a manly manly
manly manly manly manly
manly manly manly man!
With a manly manly manly
manly manly manly gun!
And we must support Our Troops!
Our! Our! Our!
Flag! Flag! Flag!
Wave the flag!
Wave! Wave! Wave! Wave!
Beat the drum!
Beat! Beat! Beat! Beat!
Win the hearts! Win the minds!
Win! Win! Win! Win!
You must win every little one of them
The little twisted minds of Our Troops, troops, troops
Tell them that they won! Won! Won! Won!
When they come home
Come! Come! Come! Come!
Home! Home! Home! Home!
if they come
into our towns
into our homes
into our daughters
To support Our Troops
To protect us
Us! Us! Us!
from Them!
Them! Them! Them!
Our Troops!
Troops! Troops! Troops!
For they protect us!
Against Them!
Them! Them! Them!
THEM!
-----------------

Alfred Bester Speaks!

By way of Frederik Pohl's blog, comes this fascinating transcript of a conversation between two all-time greats of science-fiction literature -- Alfred Bester and Frederik Pohl:

Alfred Bester and Frederik Pohl — The Conversation

Frederik Pohl has written one of my favorite novels, THE SPACE MERCHANTS. Alfred Bester wrote what I still consider one of the very best SF novels of all time, THE STARS MY DESTINATION.

"Every man is wealthy in storyland!" Or: The Hatred Of Money Implicit In Fiction

Priceless comment in Nick Mamatas' blog:

silviamg notes:
Everyone is wealthy in storyland! 

Livia Llewellyn corrects her:
"Every man is wealthy in storyland!"


They put the finger on the central issue with so much fantasy fiction (and fiction in general):

The big "escapism"/"flight of fancy" part isn't that the protagonist visits The Land of Oz... or finds a magical power ring... or anything like that... but that he (it's usually a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant) doesn't have to worry about, handle, or be dependent on money.

There's of course the blatantly racist aspect of this cliché: Too many fictional stories implicitly tell us that if you're a WASP, you're automatically wealthy. If you're not... well, then you simply do not exist. You're erased from the fictional world. Naturally, this is an insult to the great majority of humanity who are neither White, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant nor wealthy.

But others have argued better about the implicit racism in fiction. I think there's also a deeper issue behind it. I am convinced that racism as a historical phenomenon is mainly profit-motivated. Racism was constructed around slavery to justify the profits of slavery, not the other way around.

So let's "follow the money" and see where it leads...

I ask you: Why does so much fantasy fiction feature characters who live in a world like our own, except it's untouched by money? 
Have you ever asked yourself: All these people in TV shows, when do they work?  For a wage?
(The exception would be cop shows: policemen, as shown on TV, do nothing but work. But they mostly seem suspiciously well-off, as if they didn't have to worry about their meager police wages.)

If you're wondering what I mean, come on: Who pays for your electricity, housing, car, food, education, social standing... or even your elected politicians? None of us can "stand apart" from capitalism. We are marinated in it.

So why doesn't much fantasy fiction glorify the adventure, excitement and fancy of Capitalism? (Except the fantasy fiction of Ayn Rand, maybe...)

I arrive at the possible explanation that people have a desperate need to dream themselves away from our money-oriented society.

I'm not really sure what that means, but it could mean that somewhere, deep down, most of us hate money. Not just on the level of envy (that someone, somewhere has More Stuff Than You) but the system of money itself.

Communism is dead, stone dead -- I never believed in it, despite some pathetic attempts to make us kids growing up in 1970s Sweden think that life in Cuba or China or the Soviet Union was good.

But clearly, I detect from the fantasy fiction of today -- the dreams of our society -- this persistent and deep unease with money, the medium of exchange that makes capitalism possible. We want to wish it away, pretend that money doesn't exist.

There should be a fairly easy way to test this hypothesis. Watch a whole day's worth of TV shows, or read a whole novel by some very popular writer, and count
1) The number of times someone buys or sells something in the story, plus
2) The number of times actual money is described or shown in the story.

I assure you, you will find that money is rarely shown or described. (The exception is the cliché of "dirty" money: cash stacked into an attache case in a drug deal, stolen money, or otherwise ill-gained.)

In medieval Europe, money was considered unclean. A whole social class, the Jews, was "condemned" by Christian society to be the despised money-lenders. And the resulting hatred mixed with confused envy felt by the Christians, went so deep it probably culminated in the Holocaust. That's what the feelings nurtured by money can produce: that much hate.

But the Medieval scheme to banish money from society didn't last; the lure of money proved irresistible even to the Catholic Church. Soon enough the Church was raking it in, selling tickets to Paradise to believers, which angered Martin Luther and triggered the Reformation -- and the 30 Years War.

Conclusion: Our hatred of money -- actually amplified by the bottomless greed for it -- persists to this day.
Right now, everyone knows that greed is threatening to tear apart the very fabric of the global economy (have you been watching the news lately?). And the problems caused by money is a daily complaint on all levels of society.

So should fantasy fiction (virtually all fiction, regarding the subject of money) deal with this, confront the issue of money, or continue to dance around it?

I could go on, but I don't have enough money to do so...

Nick Mamatas Gives Advice To Newbie Writers

Choice quote from Nick's blog:
----------------------
Actually, after the moment when one has eliminated all the usual tyro errors—POV shifts at inappropriate moments, tantalizing the reader from the beginning, keeping unusual dialogue tags to a minimum—about 90% of the battle for a writer is to eliminate the need for external validation.

Of course, plenty of writers, some even quite good, remain desperately hungry for external validation, but sooner rather than later they either burn out or end up with a bunch of material they ultimately regret writing or that goes OP forever when some fad passes.
----------------------

Nurglon(r) Demands Ban On All Non-Cthulhu Worshippers Near "Ground Zero"

POX News, Aug.10, 2010: Nurglon(r), the hundred-eyed, many-armed Thing From Beyond which emerged in Alaska and ran for President in the 2008 elections, currently the leader of the Rage Party (formerly the Republican Party), has finally made a public statement on the "Cordoba Center" controversy.

Since leading Rage Party members began a campaign against the construction of a mosque two blocks from the site of the former World Trade Center, Nurglon has been strangely silent on the issue.

This prompted talk radio host and Rage Party leadership contender Rash Limburger to recently claim that "Nurglon is soft on terrorism." Limburger has since disappeared, and Rage Party spokesperson Dick Flack claims that "Nurglon did not eat Limburger, honestly, cheese gives her gases".

But today, Nurglon broke her/its silence and made a lengthy official statement to the media:

Nurglon: THE CORDOBA CENTER MUST BE STOPPED, AND SO MUST ALL UN-AMERICAN PLACES OF WORSHIP NEAR THE SACRED, HOLY, SUPERGOSHDARNAMERICAN PLACE CALLED "GROUND ZERO".

AS YOU KNOW, ONLY AMERICANS WERE KILLED IN THE WORLD TRADE CENTER ATTACKS OF 9/11... PURE, WHITEBREAD, APPLE PIE-EATING, GOD-FEARING AMERICANS. NO SWARTHY, BEARDED HEATHENS EVER SOILED THE PURE, ETHEREAL SPIRES OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER.

SO, IN ORDER TO SHOW PROPER GOSHDARN RESPECT FOR THE SACRED GROUND ZERO, WE MUST BAN ALL HEATHEN WORSHIPPERS AROUND IT, AND ON THE ENTIRE ISLAND OF MANHATTAN.


POX News: Do you mean Muslims, Nurglon?

N: I MEAN ALL WHO DO NOT BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP GREAT CTHULHU... AND CTHULHU'S MISTRESS... LITTLE OLD ME!

THEN, WHEN ALL THOSE WHO LIVE AROUND THE SACRED GROUND ZERO BOW DOWN BEFORE THEIR ONE AND TRUE MASTER, THEN AND ONLY THEN CAN THE WORLD BE CLEANSED IN RIVERS OF BLO... I MEAN, ONLY THEN THE TRUE, WHITE, APPLE PIE-EATING AMERICANS CAN LIVE SAFE AND SECURE, DARN IT.

Nurglon then paraded before the media her/its adorable 50-armed offspring H'Thffluh, before leaving.

Do Fiction Writers Have Moral Duties?

I ask you: Do fiction writers have moral duties?

1. Ah, but whose morals?
- A problem arises, in my view, when the most reactionary reader/critic/person demands that only his morals should be applied to literature. That is how we get absurd censorship cases where prissy people try to remove Shakespeare or Mark Twain from public libraries.

2. And duties to whom? 
- To the person who actually reads the work? Or to every potential reader?
The second demand is sometimes made in the real world, but it is an absurd one. You cannot tailor every story to suit every 4-year-old reader who might come across it.
(Picture, if you can, a nightmare world where all the classics of literature have been rewritten for small children and that's all there is.)
People choose what to read. With choice comes the freedom not to read.

3. And shouldn't readers share the responsibility for how books are read and used?
Readers read, and they interpret the text (despite what fundamentalists will tell you, there is more than one way to read the meaning of a story)... so if writers are responsible for their words, then readers are responsible too.

I feel that I have some moral duties as a fiction writer. But I only have my conscience to guide me in this area.
My conscience tells me:
- Do not glorify evil
- Be honest
- Try to rise about primitive thinking and willful ignorance
- Avoid rigid dogma or fanaticism - people are more important than ideas
- Do not suck up to power

But you may think, why should writers worry about these things? Are stories really that much of a big deal?

Oh yes. The surest way -- perhaps the only way -- to get into a person's mind is to tell her a story. When writing was new, it frightened people: they saw its power to influence the minds of others, how it could move one person's thoughts into another person's head.
Since we take writing for granted now, we may have lost that insight.

A folk singer put the slogan "This Machine Kills Fascists" on his guitar. I might as well put a slogan on my PC or notepad: "This Machine Goes Straight Into Your Brain."

Nurglon Proposes Sending "Hate Boat" Convoy To Palestine, Israel

POX News, June 04, 2010:

The resident Rage Party leader and Folksy Thing From Beyond, Nurglon (r) responded today to the aftermath of the "Ship To Gaza" shootings, in a statement to POX News:

Nurglon: I CONDEMN THE USE OF DEADLY FORCE AGAINST THE AID CONVOY -- THE FORCE WAS WAS NOT DEADLY ENOUGH! THERE WERE SURVIVORS! I WOULD HAVE USED A TACTICAL NUKE. BECAUSE, GOSH! I'M A MAVERICK!

POX News: Will the tragic incident lead to any sort of change in the current stalemate between Israel and the Palestinians?

N: GOLLY, NO! SO WHAT IS NEEDED IS ANOTHER AID CONVOY TO BOTH GAZA AND ISRAEL. A HATE BOAT! I WILL PERSONALLY GATHER THE RESOURCES TO SEND MORE HATE TO BOTH PARTIES, AND SEAL THEIR MANIFEST DESTINY. YOU BETCHA!

P: What do you mean by their "manifest destiny", Nurglon?

N: TO DIE IN A CAULDRON OF NUCLEAR FIRE WHICH WILL GROW, AND GROW, AND CONSUME THIS PITIFUL PLANET. AIN'T POLITICS, LIKE, FUN? GOSH!

Nurglon then interrupted the interview, and paraded before the media her/its latest offspring -- the adorable thing called H'Thffluh, which was born with the severe handicap of only having 50 eyes.

NURGLON SLAMS PRESIDENT'S FINANCIAL REFORM BID, PRESENTS OWN SWEEPING REFORM PACKAGE

POX News, Washington, D.C., April 22:

POX News reporter Bill Hairdo has had a brief Q & A with Rage Party leader Nurglon, where she/it outlined a response to President Obama's finance reform bid:

Bill Hairdo: Nurglon, how do you react to worries that another big bank failure might cripple the economy, repeating history, if nothing is done about limiting the size of banks?

Nurglon: I AM AGAINST LIMITING THE SIZE OF ANYTHING! I MUST GROW, AND GROW, AND PRODUCE MORE OF MY SPAWN TO ENGULF THIS PITIFUL PLANET!

B: But how will that stance go down with small-town America?

N: SMALL-TOWN AMERICA WILL GO DOWN INSIDE ME! HA HA HA!

B: Critics accuse your party, the Repu... sorry, the Rage Party, of being in the pockets of the financial sector...

N: SO? WHAT IS WRONG WITH BLIND OBEDIENCE TO POWER? ALL-AMERICAN, PATRIOTIC, FAMILY-VALUES-FRIENDLY, GOD-FEARING, PRO-MILITARY POWER. GOSHDARN IT.

B: So your party will do nothing?

N: OF COURSE NOT! BY GOLLY! WE SHALL SEIZE POWER TO PUSH THROUGH OUR OWN FINANCIAL REFORM PACKAGE!

B: Tell us more.

N: FIRST, AS I'VE MENTIONED BEFORE, THE DOLLAR WILL BE REPLACED WITH THE CURRENCY OF BLOOD. SECOND, THE BIGGEST BANKS WILL BE GIVEN FREE REIGN TO TRADE AND SELL THE GREAT UNTAPPED AMERICAN RESOURCE.

B: Offshore oil?

N: THE POOR.

B: And by "the poor," you mean...

N: THE UNEMPLOYED! FOR STARTERS! THEN... WE'LL REDEFINE "POVERTY" ALONG A SLIDING SCALE.

B: Wait a minute... do you propose we reinstate slavery??

N: OF COURSE NOT! THAT WOULD BE WRONG! AMERICANS ARE TOO LAZY AND UNRELIABLE TO MAKE GOOD SLAVES! WE TRADE THEIR BLOOD AND ORGANS INSTEAD.

B: In your reform package, what about boosting trade exports, for instance to China?

N: WHEN I CLEANSE THE WORLD FROM TERROR WITH TORRENTS OF NUCLEAR FIRE, FOREIGN TRADE WILL CEASE TO BE AN ISSUE.

B: Wouldn't global war put a strain on the already strained U.S. budget?

N: ANYONE WHO TALKS ABOUT NUMBERS AND BUDGETS IS AN ELITIST SOCIALIST UN-AMERICAN SECRET MUSLIM WITH A FALSE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

B: Thank you, Nurglon.

N: BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, MISTRESS OF GREAT CTHULHU! YOU MAY KISS ONE OF MY TENTACLES.

Nurglon (r) Unveils New Midterm Campaign Poster

POX News, April 8:  
Nurglon (r), self-appointed new leader of the Rage Party (formerly the Republican Party), presented today her/its new campaign poster for the 2010 midterm elections:

The new slogans appear made to match Nurglon's endorsement of the Pope and are consistent with her/its previous stance on waterboarding and war.

When asked about the new slogan "MORE Nuclear Weapons," Nurglon responded to POX News:

Nurglon: THE SHINING ONE'S DISARMAMENT AGREEMENT WITH RUSSIA MUST BE REVERSED! SUCH UNPATRIOTIC SOCIALIST DEFEATISM IS UN-AMERICAN... AND WORSE, IT MOVES THIS PITIFUL PLANET ONE STEP AWAY FROM THE ANNIHILATION OF THIS WEAK, DESPICABLE HUMAN RACE.

POX News: Don't you think the goal of "annihilation of the human race" might alienate many voters?


N: NOT AT ALL! THE POPE HAS PROMISED MY GOD-FEARING VOTERS SALVATION ON JUDGMENT DAY! ALONG WITH EVERY SINGLE BISHOP AND PRIEST! HA HA HAAAA!

Nurglon Assumes Command of Republican Party, Changes Its Name To "Rage Party"

POX News,  March 23:
GOP National Campaign HQ, Washington, D.C. - During a conference signaling the start of the run-up to the 2010 Midterm Elections for the U.S. Congress, tentacled politician Nurglon (r) interrupted the GOP party chairman to make the following declaration:

Nurglon: THIS DITHERING HAS GONE ON FOR LONG ENOUGH. I HEREBY ASSUME FULL COMMAND OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. STEELE!! COME HERE, YOU.

Nurglon paused to devour a screaming Michael Steele (r), and continued:

N: I HEREBY DECREE! FROM NOW ON, THE ORGANIZATION FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE REPUBLICAN PARTY SHALL BE NAMED THE RAGE PARTY.

POX News correspondent Sarah Tannin: What's your party program, Nurglon?

N: PROGRAM? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' PROGRAM! THE RAGE PARTY SHALL HAVE ONE GOAL ONLY: DESTROY!! REPEAT AFTER ME: DESTROY!! SAY IT LOUD, I'M ANGRY AND PROUD!

Attendant party members, some waving Confederate flags and nooses, then joined Nurglon in a 5-minute "Destroy!" chanting session.

Several overexcited attendants were injured from biting each other.

Nurglon Endorses Pope

POX News, March 17: 
While retreating from Capitol Hill, stating that her/its movement away from the building was merely a "temporary realignment," hundred-eyed politician Nurglon (r) made some rare and frank comments on the recent scandals involving the Pope and other Catholic Church officials.

In this transcript of a hasty running Q & A between Nurglon and POX News correspondent Sarah Tannin, Nurglon explains her/its stance.

Sarah Tannin: Nurglon, what is your religion?

Nurglon: I WORSHIP GREAT CTHULHU. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, MISTRESS OF GREAT CTHULHU, LORD OF THE UNSPEAKABLE BEYOND!

ST: And what is your relationship to Earthbound religions like, say, Catholicism?

N: THOSE WHO DO NOT BOW DOWN TO THE ELDER GODS ARE ONLY FIT TO BE FOOD FOR MY SPAWN.

ST: So you don't approve of --

N: HOWEVER... I AM WILLING TO ALLOW THE VATICAN TO CO-EXIST WITH MY FAITH WHEN I AND MY SPAWN RULE THE EARTH.

ST: How come?

N: BECAUSE I LIKE YOUR POPE! HE'S SUCH A CHARMER! HIS EYES REMIND ME OF GREAT CTHULHU'S! HE AND HIS MINIONS SHARE MY GOAL, TO CRUSH THE SOULS OF YOUR OFFSPRING AND TEACH THEM UNQUESTIONING OBEDIENCE TO POWER!

ST: Now that's a little harsh --

N: I WOULD GLADLY LET POPE RATZINGER AND CARDINAL BRADY LIVE FOREVER AS UNDEAD HUSKS, ANIMATED ONLY BY MY TIMELESS MALEVOLENCE, IF IT WOULD HELP ME CRUSH THE SOULS OF ALL YOUR WEAK, PITIFUL CHILDREN!

ST: Jesus...

N: NO! DO NOT UTTER THE NAME OF THE BURNING LIGHT!

ST: What do you mean? Jesus Christ...

N: YOU SAID IT AGAIN!

ST: What? Jesus?

N: STOP SAYING "JESUS"! GOSHDARN! I SAID IT!

The interview was interrupted as Nurglon began to spout smoke and fled the site. The Vatican has since refused to comment on Nurglon.

A cardinal who wishes to be anonymous said to POX News that "Nurglon is welcome to join our Holy Church, if she/it agrees to publicly condemn the evil of contraceptives".

Health Insurance Ex-Boss Admits To Signing Blood Pact With Nurglon In 1945

Washington D.C. (POX News): During the annual fundraiser gala Phyllis Schlaflitt Sings Hitler Jugend Evergreens For Charity, POX News correspondent Sarah Tannin made a surprise interview with Bernie Geldliebe, retired ex-CEO of the Iron Cross Health Insurance Corporation.

When asked about Nurglon's recent bid to seize control of Congress, and her/its challenge to President Obama, Mr. Geldliebe made the surprise admission that he had been familiar with Nurglon since the end of World War II.

"Frankly, I don't know why the old ball of pus hasn't gone public about it. She'll be in charge of things soon enough, so let's not beat about the bush any longer.

"My corporation was the first to sign a pact of allegiance with Nurglon back in '45. In blood, of course. Wanna see the tattoo of fidelity she drew on my back, with her own tongue?

"All the other health insurance cos were quick to follow -- but I was first, dammit. We swore to obey, to gain power in her name, to rid the land of the weak, and she'd help us ride this stinkin' country like a harp from hell. Damn, this is good vodka. Hey, is that thing on?"

Mr. Geldliebe then hastened to correct himself, but suddenly collapsed and turned into a puddle of putrid black goo before the eyes of the other guests. The puddle was rapidly taken away to Mr. Geldliebe's own private emergency ward in D.C., and his condition is reported as "undead but stable."

For more on the developing Nurglon situation, stay tuned with POX News.

------------------
Related stories:

- NURGLON IN 2008!
- Nurglon Rises From Grave

NURGLON For ALL Of Congress In 2010

NURGLON (r) today unveiled its first 2010 midterm election campaign poster:

Nurglon is running for all seats, as she/it will not accept compromise or negotiation -- and he/she, being 150 feet tall, needs all the space to fit inside the assembly.

Nurglon's campaign promises have been announced as the following:

- "NURGLONCARE": All unemployed shall be fed to Nurglon, thus ridding the nation of any who cannot afford private health insurance, and thus also solving the job crisis.

- FAMILY VALUES: The Many-Eyed Spawn of Nurglon, now counting roughly 100,000 surviving hatchlings, shall be incorporated into the U.S. federal government and replace its human members.

- PRO-TORTURE: Waterboarding shall be made mandatory for interrogating all suspects when they are taken away. Everyone is a potential suspect.

- MONETARY REFORM: Blood shall be the new currency, the value of which is absolute.

- WAR: Nurglon shall cleanse the earth from terror with torrents of fire and suffering. The survivors (if any) shall be safe to fight in the next war.

- FAITH: All must bow down and worship Nurglon, Mistress of Great Cthulhu.

In related news, talk radio host Rash Limburger has accused Nurglon of being "soft on terrorism" and a "Republican in Name Only."

BREAKING NEWS: Nurglon Rises From Grave, Takes U.S. Government Hostage, Spits In President's Face, Proposes Eating Nation's Unemployed

Nurglon (archive photo, 2008)

WASHINGTON, D.C. (POX News): Former Presidential candidate Nurglon (r), long believed to be dead, appeared in the nation's capital and slithered into the Capitol building. Democratic Congressmen fled the site in panic, while scores of Republican politicians and staff bowed down in worship, chanting Nurglon's name.

Once seated across the entire Democratic segment of Congress, Nurglon promptly declared herself/itself the "de facto U.S. Government" and made the following proclamation on C-SPAN:

Nurglon (r): THERE IS NO HEALTH CARE REFORM BECAUSE THE WEAK ARE NOT FIT TO LIVE. I PROPOSE MY OWN REFORM TO SOLVE BOTH THE HEALTH CARE CRISIS AND THE JOB CRISIS IN ONE SWIFT MOVE.

I SHALL EAT ALL THE NATION'S UNEMPLOYED, AS THEY CANNOT AFFORD HEALTH CARE. PROBLEM SOLVED. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON YOUR GOD!

Nurglon received wild cheers from Republican Congressmen, who proceeded to chant "Eat the poor! Eat the poor!" for half an hour.

President Barack Obama (D) then appeared before the remaining half of Congress, and began to speak -- but was interrupted when a giant gob of spit hurled from Nurglon's maw knocked him off the speaker's pulpit. He was carried unconscious from the building but is reported to have suffered only a mild concussion.

When POX News' correspondent Sarah Tannin asked Nurglon why she/it no longer seemed afraid of the President, Nurglon explained:

HOW LITTLE PERSPECTIVE YOU PUNY HUMANS HAVE. THE SHINING ONE LOST FOR THE ONE REASON I HAVE KNOWN FOR DECADES: BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS TURNED FROM THE PARTY OF THE CONFEDERACY INTO THE PARTY OF THE WEAK.

AND IT IS THE FATE OF THE TOOTHLESS TO BE EATEN BY THE RUTHLESS. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP YOUR GOD AND PRESIDENT -- NURGLON!!

For more on the developing situation, stay tuned with POX News.

Meanwhile, Back In 2008, Nurglon Said...

Interviewed by POX News during her campaign back in late 2008, Nurglon(r) said....

Sean Inannity: [...]You may have heard some critics attack you for coming from another dimension in Alaska.Now, the Justice Department has assured voters that your dimension legally speaking lies within U.S. territory. 
How do you respond to critics who claim your citizenship isn't strictly legal?

Nurglon: IS TORTURE LEGAL? HA HA HA!

Well, thank the stars that Nurglon's dead and isn't coming back. Right?

Right......?

If You're Bitter About Writing, Then Quit

Through Nick Mamatas, I read this blogpost with a long quote from Lucius Shepard's novella "Dog-Eared Paperback of My Life".

Choice Quote:
-------------------
"[...] Of my many failings, the most galling was that I had wasted my gifts on genre fiction. I could have achieved much more, I believed, had I not gone for the easy money but, like Cradle Two, had been faithful to my muse.

Typically, I didn't count myself to blame but assigned blame to the editors and agents who had counseled me, to the marketers and bean counters who had delimited me, and to the people with whom I had surrounded myself—wives and girlfriends, my fans, my friends.

They had dragged me down to their level, seduced me into becoming a populist. [...]"
-------------------
Read the rest.

The complete passage isn't merely a fictional portrait of a fictional embittered writer (a commercially successful, one, mind you!). The entire text paints a portrait of writers who resent other writers and also hate themselves.

I've had different jobs. I can't say I enjoyed all of them equally, or had fun all the time (but who does? Is life supposed to be permanent bliss?).

So like any other work, the craft of writing has its ups and downs... as does the business of meeting readers and other writers. But does anyone in the world have the privilege to pick and choose which parts of the world they feel like interacting with? Hardly.

Reading the entire quote, I get the feel that Shepard is lampooning everybody including himself - writers and readers alike. Which is fine. (Even as I also thought, "Oh, cry me a river will you...")

But if I should encounter that bitter, self-pitying attitude in real life, without the irony or humor, I'd disapprove of it. Why should writers feel especially entitled to complaining about how they've wasted their lives and talents on doing inferior work for an audience of fools?

I believe in craft. I believe in the joy of doing a good job. I believe in self-expression. I believe that fiction and storytelling are as essential to human existence as breathing. I don't believe in bitterness; it's merely the bad side of human nature and shouldn't be elevated to "truth" or "honesty" because it isn't.

I once read an interview with Alistair MacLean, the bestselling thriller writer, where he claimed that he never wrote a good book, only junk.

Was he being sincerely self-hating, fishing for compliments, displaying false modesty, or just neurotic? I don't know and I don't care. But he did not make a good impression.

No matter what work you do, unless you're a slave and can't quit: If you're bitter about your job, then quit. If you're neurotic about writing, guess what: The world does not owe you therapy. So write, or don't write. It's up to you. There is no shame in doing other things for a living.

Kameron Hurley On Writers Getting "Branded"

Read Kameron Hurley's essay "Branded: The Good. The Bad. The Ugly."

Choice Quote:
"I think that as much as we like to pretend that what gets us ahead is our originality and creativity, writers – whether consciously or not – end up either being branded or branding themselves over the course of their careers."

Play BOOK REJECTION BINGO!!

Tearing your hair out at rejection slips that make little or no sense?
Save your hair!
Instead, play... BOOK REJECTION BINGO!!



Game board created by the eminent Kameron Hurley
(whose short story "The Women of Our Occupation" you must read.)

Kameron noted, on her blog:
"It was terribly fun to write up... lots of these are based on rejections of now-famous books."
Ouch, publishers. Ouch.

Stephen King's CARRIE Was Rejected HOW Many Times??

Gee, I didn't know that Stephen King's breakthrough novel was rejected 30 times.

Surely it must be part of a massive conspiracy to make big publishing houses seem like a bunch of clowns...?
(The same conspiracy that made so many unsuspecting big publishers make the apparently conscious decision to reject an apparently unsellable manuscript called HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE.)

Read the list of 14 bestsellers which were rejected many, many times. And don't give up.

(Thanks to Ashok Banker for the link suggestion.)

Must-Read Ashok Banker Interview

On the World SF News Blog, this must-read interview with the bestselling Indian author Ashok Banker.

Choice quotes:
"People sometimes assume that writers write and readers read to escape from reality; in my case, it was always the other way around. My home life was so surreal, so dark-fantastic, that I read and wrote to stay real. I was afraid I might vanish like a fading grin upon a tree branch, so I quickly carved my initials with a pocketknife."

"To be honest, I’ve all but given up on getting published anywhere outside India and have stopped trying. The system itself is designed in such a way that it’s become all about pleasing agents and editors, not about writers talking to readers directly."

I'm in awe of this guy.

Also check out Ashok Banker's website/blog. And buy one of his books, will you?

BBC Documentary About Philip K. Dick

Unmissable documentary about the life and fiction of Philip K. Dick; lots of SF authors appear in it (including the late Thomas M. Disch).

MAGIENS ARV ("Heirs To The Magic") Official Website Is OPEN!

On May 23, Norwegian state radio (NRK) starts broadcasting my fantasy series MAGIENS ARV ("Heirs to the Magic"). It is also available online:

The series' official website (in Norwegian) is now up and running, and you can download the first episode directly from the site.

MAGIENS ARV official website at NRK

Additional content will be added to the site later (i.e. further episodes in the series). Right now the site contains concept art, a map (all fantasy must have maps), character artwork and unlockable bonus material.

Oh, and there's a PC game too:
MAGIENS ARV - the game (with Norwegian text), for Windows PC

Radio Series MAGIENS ARV (a.k.a. "Heirs To The Magic")

It's official: The radio series I wrote for Norwegian state radio (NRK) starts broadcasting and webcasting on May 23, 2009.

MAGIENS ARV premieres on NRK

John Scalzi: "10 Things to Remember About Authors"

Acclaimed SF writer John Scalzi explains "10 Things to Remember About Authors".

Choice Quote:
"And no, being a fan of an author’s books or series doesn’t count as being actively involved in that author’s life. You are actively involved with his or her books; that’s not even close to the same thing. "

To be honest, the possibility (however microscopically slight) that one day, my books might become as popular as his, frightens me just a little bit.

Because "fans" can sometimes act like they "own" the writer and/or the writer's works and has the right to make demands, according to the Unspoken First Law of the Obsessed Fan:

"I love this, therefore it is mine."

I shouldn't have to tell you that this is the first step toward a dysfunctional relationship.
Try telling your spouse/significant other (in a suitably creepy voice), "I love you, you're mine, I OOWWN YOOUU..." and see how far that gets you.

I'd rather have Readers than Fans. A Reader has no need to make demands. A Reader enjoys a book, has no need for a never-ending book series. A Reader recognizes that a fictional character isn't his/her Secret Identity.

On the flip side, Readers feel no obligation to buy your next book just because they "have to." Which is fine with me. I can relax and write what I want, not the sequel that the Fans Have Demanded.

Binyavanga Wainaina: "How To Write About Africa"

By way of Nick Mamatas, this hilarious satire of the most tired, shopworn literary cliches about Africa:

Binyavanga Wainaina: "How To Write About Africa"

Choice quote (and I hope this upsets all the right people):
-----------------
Establish early on that your liberalism is impeccable, and mention near the beginning how much you love Africa, how you fell in love with the place and can’t live without her.

Africa is the only continent you can love — take advantage of this. If you are a man, thrust yourself into her warm virgin forests. If you are a woman, treat Africa as a man who wears a bush jacket and disappears off into the sunset. Africa is to be pitied, worshipped or dominated.

Whichever angle you take, be sure to leave the strong impression that without your intervention and your important book, Africa is doomed.
-----------------

Short Fiction by A.R.Yngve in Chinese magazine SF KING

(Updated Jan.7) Back in 2005, my short stories "See" and "Telephone Conversations were published in two Chinese science-fiction magazines.

The follow-up took me a while to accomplish, but... now in late 2008, the Chinese magazine SF KING has published another short story of mine.

Interior art for "Stupid!" by A.R.Yngve, in the November 2008 issue of SF KING.(*)

(And whaddya know... this ignorant Westerner can't read Chinese! Can you please help me translate what it says on the Contents Page?)
------------------

(* My wife thinks the character in the illustration looks suspiciously familiar... especially the big feet. I think the artist used a photo of me as a model, which would be a good in-joke... ;-) )

NURGLON DEAD FROM "INDIGESTION"; Offspring Migrates To North Korea

Snapshot of Nurglon (r) dissolving.

POX News, Oct.28:
Inbredburg, The Very Deep South: Nurglon (r) is dead.

According to witnesses in the town of Inbredburg, the 150-foot tall Presidential/Vice-Presidential candidate swallowed POX News' reporter Sean Inannity - and then rapidly started to dissolve into a reeking, pink, rotting mass, covering an area the size of the Astrodome.

Cleaning up the remains of Nurglon may take months, and the area is currently being sealed off by federal authorities as a bio hazard. A witness to her/its tragic demise was heard saying: "So not even Nurglon could stomach Sean Inannity."

The late talk-show host Sean Inannity, admired by millions of conservative TV viewers, is now being praised by colleagues.

"Sean would never let mere facts get in the way of truthiness," says fellow talk-show host Stu Colburp.

"Sean Inannity was the voice of the real America," says talk-show host Rash Limburger. "His face should be printed on all my little pill boxes, as a tribute."

Barack Obama has so far been unavailable for a comment.

In related news, Nurglon's five million offspring have since fled the country. Unconfirmed reports from Asia claim that the millions of fleeing mini-Nurglons are now storming the coast of North Korea.

Experts are in disagreement whether this would make living conditions in North Korea better or worse.

Nurglon Volunteer Admits Chopping Off Own Foot, Blaming "Socialists"

POX News, Oct.25: 19-year-old Bobbi Jo Sispak, college student and campaign volunteer for Nurglon (r), today admitted to giving false and misleading testimony the police.

Ms. Sispak had previously told the police that she was attacked by "Socialists" who chopped off her left foot and jammed it into her mouth, and then left her for dead.

However, when local police found the weapon - a chainsaw - covered with only her own bloody fingerprints, Ms. Sispak was questioned again. When confronted with the evidence, she broke down and admitted her deception. She had used the chainsaw to sever her left foot, then stuffed it in her mouth and pretended to be the victim of a gang of "Socialists."

Sispak failed to give a clear explanation of her motive, except that she "only wanted to serve Nurglon, mistress of Great Cthulhu and a true American hero."

POX News asked Bobbi Jo Sispak to clarify herself. She said: "Y'know... Socialists. Dark-skinned, vicious Socialists, always looking to mutilate white women."

The girl's father, noted Nurglon volunteer Joe-Bob Sispak, claims in a statement that the police had "waterboarded" his daughter to make her lie about the crime, and added:

"Us real Americans must avenge my baby girl for putting her foot in her mouth!"

Joe-Bob Sispak, campaign volunteer for Nurglon (r).

Angela Hoy: "The World's Worst Book Proposals"

Funny: The World's Worst Book Proposals.

Choice quote:
--------------------
FROM AN ACTUAL BOOK, which is already in production (published by another POD publisher, of course):

"Chapter 2: When Things Go Right
Chapter 3: When Things Go Warong"

--------------------
Warong indeed. Hoy's column is an ongoing feature, so be sure to click the links to previous hilarious installments.

Now, I'm all for encouraging people to try writing. But how about practicing writing just for fun and self-education, before you launch your professional writing career?

The saying goes, it takes ten years to become a skilled writer. (It took me slightly longer to get my first novel published.) I think people who fail either do not try hard enough, or get their goals confused.

You're allowed to write the way you want. But you're not entitled to get it published. To get published, certain formal requirements must be met:

1. The work must interest the publisher, i.e. not be too dull;
2. It must be up to professional standards of spelling, grammar and style;
3. It must be finished work.

Most people who fail at writing ignore one or several of the above. Don't be one of them.

1. Send only interesting work to the proper publisher(or agent);
2. Make sure all spelling and grammar is correct
(Yes, you can experiment a bit, but you gotta learn the rules before you break them, comprende?)
3. First and foremost, send finished work.

Nurglon's New Wardrobe May Bankrupt Economy, Say Analysts

Presidential/Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r), who usually does not wear clothes, has now taken to fashion.

In Inbredburg, Nurglon supporters cheered on their candidate as she/it showcased its/her first complete red dress.

But Nurglon's new style may come at a high cost to the U.S. economy, warn financial analysts. Many of them are afraid to criticize Nurglon openly.

"It's not just a question of running out of campaign funds," says a source who wishes to remain anonymous. "The Republican Party has taken huge short-term loans to pay for Nurglon's dresses, and staked everything on her winning the election. If she doesn't win and can't create bailout packages to cover the debts, the GOP goes bankrupt."

"And none of the money paid for these gigantic garments goes back into the U.S. economy. Thousands of Chinese textile workers are employed to make them. India exports 5% of the fabrics it produces to America for Nurglon clothing alone."

"This textile and clothing bubble has been growing way too fast, and could burst on Election Day."

Nurglon Declares 30% Of America "Un-America", Calls For Purge

In a recent blitz of open-air rallies across rural America, Presidential/Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r) has launched the concept of "Un-America."

At Nurglon's most recent small-town appearance in Rottenville, a POX News' reporter heard the following speech:

Nurglon: THIS! IS! AMERICA!!

(Crowd cheers)

N: ON THE COASTLINES, IN THE BIG CITIES, LIES... UN-AMERICA! CITIES THAT ARE ELITIST, HARD-HEARTED... AND HARD TO CHEW!

(Crowd boos)

N: WHEN I AM ELECTED PRESIDENT, I SHALL ORDER MY FIVE MILLION YOUNG TO EAT UN-AMERICA! WITH A SIDE ORDER OF SOCIALISM!

(Crowd gives standing ovation)

N: AND THEN THIS GREAT NATION SHALL BE PERFECT AGAIN, FOLKS! YOU BETCHA!

In related news: after the abovementioned rally, central Rottenville was burned down by overzealous Nurglon supporters while they tried to ignite an effigy of Barack Obama. According to witnesses, the effigy was carried out of the fire unscathed.
--------------------------------

Related stories:

Nurglon Speaks...

Nurglons Slams Obama...

Nurglon Denies...

Nurglon claims...

Nurglon supporters claim...
Nurglon releases...

Nurglon Releases McCain For Final Debate With Obama

In an exclusive statement to POX News before the third and final 2008 presidential debate, Presidential/Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r) declared that John McCain has now been turned into a zombie and released from Nurglon's mouth.

Nurglon said:
"THE McCAIN CORPSE SHALL DO MY BIDDING. IT SHALL EXPOSE THE SHINING ONE AS AN ENEMY OF ALL THAT I STAND FOR... FAMILY VALUES, FAITH, STRONG LEADERSHIP, FOLKSINESS AND STRAIGHT TALK."

When asked to clarify, Nurglon only added:
"BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, GOSHDARN IT."

The McCain zombie performed adequately during the third debate with Barack Obama. Among his undead statements were:
"Urrr! Ayers!"
"Braaaains! Braains good!"
"Uuuuh! ACOOORN!"
"Huuuuh! Maaario the Pluuumber!"
---------------------------------------

Related stories:

Nurglon Speaks...

Nurglons Slams Obama...

Nurglon Denies...

Nurglon claims...

Nurglon supporters claim...

Distress Call From Nurglon's Mouth May Be Missing John McCain, Witnesses Say

POX News, Oct. 11: Witnesses at Nurglon's most recent public speech have heard cries for help from inside Nurglon's giant, gaping mouth, which may come from the missing John McCain.

The witnesses said that while they were listening to Nurglon (r) speaking, they heard muffled shouts from somewhere along its/her middle row of teeth (Nurglon has three known rows of teeth, each counting approx. 200 claw-like molars) - and that it sounded like McCain's voice.

According to witnesses, the shouts sounded something like, "Help! Help! I'm stuck between her teeth and I can't get out!" and "Somebody help! She's eating the entire party!"

POX News has asked several prominent dentists if it would be possible to extract a person alive from Nurglon's jaws. They all declined to answer.

--------------------------------------

Related stories:

Nurglon Speaks...

Nurglons Slams Obama...

Nurglon Denies...

Nurglon claims...

Nurglon supporters claim...

Nurglon Supporters Claim Barack Obama Is A Witch

Joe-Bob Sispak, interviewed by POX News' Sean Inannity in the Very Deep South, Oct.10:

Sean Inannity: Joe-Bob... you and your friends, die-hard Nurglon supporters, are saying that Barack Obama is a witch.

Joe-Bob Sispak: Yeah!

(Voices in crowd: A witch! A witch! Burn'im! Burn the witch!)

S: But how do you know he's a witch?

J: He turned me into a newt!

S: A newt?

J: (Pause) I got better...

S: It does look like Obama is going to win the election. Do you expect your candidate, Nurglon, to bow out gracefully?

J: No! Nurglon must win! She's the only one who can save us now!

S: From the economic crisis?

J: No, ya dope! From the elves!

S: The elves??

J: Yeah! See, Nurglon's been givin' us a few hints who's really behind them bad loans and risin' prices and stuff! It's all the work of a global conspiracy of elves! But Nurglon's gonna eat all the elves and then the problems are going away! Nurglon forever!!

(Crowd cheers)

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Nurglon Speaks...
Nurglons Slams Obama...
Nurglon Denies...

Nurglon Claims Obama Is Friendly With Terrorists

POX News, The Very Deep South, Oct.7: During a torch-lit evening rally, before a rapt crowd of 5,000 followers, Nurglon (r) made this highly critical statement of her/its opponent:

Nurglon: FOLKS... THE SHINING ONE HAS BEEN TO COUNTRIES YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO!

(30-second standing ovation from audience)

N: HE CAN READ... AND WRITE!

(10-second booing and hissing from audience)

N: WHAT DOES THAT MAKE HIM?

(Man in crowd: "You tell'im, Nurglon!")

N: THE SHINING ONE IS DIFFERENT! NOT ONE OF US! HE'S A FRIEND OF PEOPLE WHO READ AND WRITE BOOKS! A FRIEND OF TERRORISTS!

(30-second standing ovation from audience)

N: NOW MAKE SURE NURGLON BECOMES YOUR RULER AND OVERLORD... TO SAVE THE CHILDREN FROM TERRORISM! THE JUICY, TASTY CHILDREN!

(3-minute standing ovation from audience)

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Buy your Nurglon merchandise in the 2008 Election Rejection Shop!

Nurglon Denies Having Eaten John McCain

POX News, Oct. 6: During a recent political rally, POX News asked Presidential and Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r) about the mysterious disappearance of John McCain, whom Nurglon replaced after having replaced Sarah Palin.

Sean Inannity: Nurglon, I'll be frank with you. Did you eat John McCain?

Nurglon: NO! NO! GOSH GOLDARN IT, NO.

S: Are you sure?

N: HE'S A HECKUVA TOUGH OLD MAN. THAT'D BE LIKE EATING AN OLD SHOE WITH THE STRINGS ON. HE'D TASTE GOSHDARN AWFUL, AND THAT'S THE PLAIN TRUTH.

S: Seems your speech has become increasingly afflicted with "folksiness." Is this going down well with core conservative voters and hockey moms?

N: BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURG...! I MEAN, GOSH! YEAH! I'M DOWN WITH THEM HOCKEY MOMS. Y'ALL.

S: And how do you respond to the close poll numbers? Do they worry you?

N: I DON'T BOW DOWN TO THEM ELITE TYPES WITH THEIR HIGH-FALUTIN' STATS AND NUMBERS AND WHATNOT. FRIENDS.

S: Well, you certainly still have strong support in the South and the heartland.

N: RIVERS OF BLO... I MEAN, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A SOFT SPOT FOR OL' DIXIE. NOW BOW DOWN TO NURGLON, Y'HEAR?

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Related posts:
Nurglon Speaks...
Nurglons Slams Obama...