Saturday, December 01, 2007

An Apology

Right now, a large number of men are demanding the death of a schoolteacher... for the sake of a teddybear's name.
(Incidentally, several of these self-righteous men are bound to have the exact same name as said teddybear, but hey -- let's not demand that they behead themselves in the name of consistency.)

You angry men... this is for you:



Dear angry street person,
you who are so busy burning flags
and effigies
waving your banners and placards
shouting your death threats
with such vigor
demanding apologies
for all the wrongs committed against you:
This is an apology.

We apologize
for being billions of people
around the world
who don't care
about what you say.

We apologize
for the billions of people
who lived before you were born
who cared even less
for what you say.

We apologize
for those not yet born
and not yet counted
who will without doubt offend you
in some way.

We apologize
on behalf of the countless thinking life forms
in the known universe
who won't care
to apologize to you
and who have the gall
to be ignorant
of your existence.

We beg forgiveness
for all the fictional characters
and drawings
and motion pictures
and mere thoughts
that offend you.

Let us also not forget
to apologize
for all the insulting things
that may be said
or pictured
or imagined
from now on
and billions of years
into the future.

We apologize
for being afraid
of your threatening demeanor
and for fearing your intolerant friends
who kill us.
We apologize
for being so rude
that we wish to live our lives
without constantly being told
that we should obey your commands.

We apologize
for believing in democracy
and freedom of speech
and equal rights for women
and freedom of mind.

We apologize
for our love of reason
and consistency
and logic
and common sense
and our aversion to killing people
for disagreeing with us.

We apologize
for all our belief systems
and philosophies
that are not as perfect as yours.

We apologize
for not much caring
about an afterlife
and for our selfish need
to improve living standards
in the here and now.

Humbly we apologize
for your birth.
Oh, what insult
that someone as divinely guided as yourself
was squeezed out between your mother's thighs
and born screaming in blood and pain,
like any other human being!
Someone as perfect as you
should have simply descended from the heavens.

How can we ever apologize enough
for the excrement
that insults your righteous behind
and dares to offend your nose
with its foul stench?
Your waste should have smelled of roses.

We apologize for the universe
and its reckless indifference
to your sacred convictions.
So many stars, so many planets
so many galaxies
are formed, and live, and die
without a care
for your hurt feelings!
We deeply, sincerely apologize
for the totality of existence
which has offended you
by not apologizing.

And finally we,
these billions of human beings
who so offend you
with our existence
apologize in advance
for the distant chance
that someday our patience
might run out.
And should that ever happen
then please tell God
that we're sorry.

(c)A.R.Yngve 2006. This is a work of fiction. Its intent is satirical.