POX News, March 23:
GOP National Campaign HQ, Washington, D.C. - During a conference signaling the start of the run-up to the 2010 Midterm Elections for the U.S. Congress, tentacled politician Nurglon (r) interrupted the GOP party chairman to make the following declaration:
Nurglon: THIS DITHERING HAS GONE ON FOR LONG ENOUGH. I HEREBY ASSUME FULL COMMAND OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. STEELE!! COME HERE, YOU.
Nurglon paused to devour a screaming Michael Steele (r), and continued:
N: I HEREBY DECREE! FROM NOW ON, THE ORGANIZATION FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE REPUBLICAN PARTY SHALL BE NAMED THE RAGE PARTY.
POX News correspondent Sarah Tannin: What's your party program, Nurglon?
N: PROGRAM? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' PROGRAM! THE RAGE PARTY SHALL HAVE ONE GOAL ONLY: DESTROY!! REPEAT AFTER ME: DESTROY!! SAY IT LOUD, I'M ANGRY AND PROUD!
Attendant party members, some waving Confederate flags and nooses, then joined Nurglon in a 5-minute "Destroy!" chanting session.
Several overexcited attendants were injured from biting each other.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
POX News, March 17:
While retreating from Capitol Hill, stating that her/its movement away from the building was merely a "temporary realignment," hundred-eyed politician Nurglon (r) made some rare and frank comments on the recent scandals involving the Pope and other Catholic Church officials.
In this transcript of a hasty running Q & A between Nurglon and POX News correspondent Sarah Tannin, Nurglon explains her/its stance.
Sarah Tannin: Nurglon, what is your religion?
Nurglon: I WORSHIP GREAT CTHULHU. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, MISTRESS OF GREAT CTHULHU, LORD OF THE UNSPEAKABLE BEYOND!
ST: And what is your relationship to Earthbound religions like, say, Catholicism?
N: THOSE WHO DO NOT BOW DOWN TO THE ELDER GODS ARE ONLY FIT TO BE FOOD FOR MY SPAWN.
ST: So you don't approve of --
N: HOWEVER... I AM WILLING TO ALLOW THE VATICAN TO CO-EXIST WITH MY FAITH WHEN I AND MY SPAWN RULE THE EARTH.
ST: How come?
N: BECAUSE I LIKE YOUR POPE! HE'S SUCH A CHARMER! HIS EYES REMIND ME OF GREAT CTHULHU'S! HE AND HIS MINIONS SHARE MY GOAL, TO CRUSH THE SOULS OF YOUR OFFSPRING AND TEACH THEM UNQUESTIONING OBEDIENCE TO POWER!
ST: Now that's a little harsh --
N: I WOULD GLADLY LET POPE RATZINGER AND CARDINAL BRADY LIVE FOREVER AS UNDEAD HUSKS, ANIMATED ONLY BY MY TIMELESS MALEVOLENCE, IF IT WOULD HELP ME CRUSH THE SOULS OF ALL YOUR WEAK, PITIFUL CHILDREN!
N: NO! DO NOT UTTER THE NAME OF THE BURNING LIGHT!
ST: What do you mean? Jesus Christ...
N: YOU SAID IT AGAIN!
ST: What? Jesus?
N: STOP SAYING "JESUS"! GOSHDARN! I SAID IT!
The interview was interrupted as Nurglon began to spout smoke and fled the site. The Vatican has since refused to comment on Nurglon.
A cardinal who wishes to be anonymous said to POX News that "Nurglon is welcome to join our Holy Church, if she/it agrees to publicly condemn the evil of contraceptives".