Nurglon Assumes Command of Republican Party, Changes Its Name To "Rage Party"

POX News,  March 23:
GOP National Campaign HQ, Washington, D.C. - During a conference signaling the start of the run-up to the 2010 Midterm Elections for the U.S. Congress, tentacled politician Nurglon (r) interrupted the GOP party chairman to make the following declaration:

Nurglon: THIS DITHERING HAS GONE ON FOR LONG ENOUGH. I HEREBY ASSUME FULL COMMAND OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. STEELE!! COME HERE, YOU.

Nurglon paused to devour a screaming Michael Steele (r), and continued:

N: I HEREBY DECREE! FROM NOW ON, THE ORGANIZATION FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE REPUBLICAN PARTY SHALL BE NAMED THE RAGE PARTY.

POX News correspondent Sarah Tannin: What's your party program, Nurglon?

N: PROGRAM? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' PROGRAM! THE RAGE PARTY SHALL HAVE ONE GOAL ONLY: DESTROY!! REPEAT AFTER ME: DESTROY!! SAY IT LOUD, I'M ANGRY AND PROUD!

Attendant party members, some waving Confederate flags and nooses, then joined Nurglon in a 5-minute "Destroy!" chanting session.

Several overexcited attendants were injured from biting each other.

Nurglon Endorses Pope

POX News, March 17: 
While retreating from Capitol Hill, stating that her/its movement away from the building was merely a "temporary realignment," hundred-eyed politician Nurglon (r) made some rare and frank comments on the recent scandals involving the Pope and other Catholic Church officials.

In this transcript of a hasty running Q & A between Nurglon and POX News correspondent Sarah Tannin, Nurglon explains her/its stance.

Sarah Tannin: Nurglon, what is your religion?

Nurglon: I WORSHIP GREAT CTHULHU. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, MISTRESS OF GREAT CTHULHU, LORD OF THE UNSPEAKABLE BEYOND!

ST: And what is your relationship to Earthbound religions like, say, Catholicism?

N: THOSE WHO DO NOT BOW DOWN TO THE ELDER GODS ARE ONLY FIT TO BE FOOD FOR MY SPAWN.

ST: So you don't approve of --

N: HOWEVER... I AM WILLING TO ALLOW THE VATICAN TO CO-EXIST WITH MY FAITH WHEN I AND MY SPAWN RULE THE EARTH.

ST: How come?

N: BECAUSE I LIKE YOUR POPE! HE'S SUCH A CHARMER! HIS EYES REMIND ME OF GREAT CTHULHU'S! HE AND HIS MINIONS SHARE MY GOAL, TO CRUSH THE SOULS OF YOUR OFFSPRING AND TEACH THEM UNQUESTIONING OBEDIENCE TO POWER!

ST: Now that's a little harsh --

N: I WOULD GLADLY LET POPE RATZINGER AND CARDINAL BRADY LIVE FOREVER AS UNDEAD HUSKS, ANIMATED ONLY BY MY TIMELESS MALEVOLENCE, IF IT WOULD HELP ME CRUSH THE SOULS OF ALL YOUR WEAK, PITIFUL CHILDREN!

ST: Jesus...

N: NO! DO NOT UTTER THE NAME OF THE BURNING LIGHT!

ST: What do you mean? Jesus Christ...

N: YOU SAID IT AGAIN!

ST: What? Jesus?

N: STOP SAYING "JESUS"! GOSHDARN! I SAID IT!

The interview was interrupted as Nurglon began to spout smoke and fled the site. The Vatican has since refused to comment on Nurglon.

A cardinal who wishes to be anonymous said to POX News that "Nurglon is welcome to join our Holy Church, if she/it agrees to publicly condemn the evil of contraceptives".

Health Insurance Ex-Boss Admits To Signing Blood Pact With Nurglon In 1945

Washington D.C. (POX News): During the annual fundraiser gala Phyllis Schlaflitt Sings Hitler Jugend Evergreens For Charity, POX News correspondent Sarah Tannin made a surprise interview with Bernie Geldliebe, retired ex-CEO of the Iron Cross Health Insurance Corporation.

When asked about Nurglon's recent bid to seize control of Congress, and her/its challenge to President Obama, Mr. Geldliebe made the surprise admission that he had been familiar with Nurglon since the end of World War II.

"Frankly, I don't know why the old ball of pus hasn't gone public about it. She'll be in charge of things soon enough, so let's not beat about the bush any longer.

"My corporation was the first to sign a pact of allegiance with Nurglon back in '45. In blood, of course. Wanna see the tattoo of fidelity she drew on my back, with her own tongue?

"All the other health insurance cos were quick to follow -- but I was first, dammit. We swore to obey, to gain power in her name, to rid the land of the weak, and she'd help us ride this stinkin' country like a harp from hell. Damn, this is good vodka. Hey, is that thing on?"

Mr. Geldliebe then hastened to correct himself, but suddenly collapsed and turned into a puddle of putrid black goo before the eyes of the other guests. The puddle was rapidly taken away to Mr. Geldliebe's own private emergency ward in D.C., and his condition is reported as "undead but stable."

For more on the developing Nurglon situation, stay tuned with POX News.

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Related stories:

- NURGLON IN 2008!
- Nurglon Rises From Grave

NURGLON For ALL Of Congress In 2010

NURGLON (r) today unveiled its first 2010 midterm election campaign poster:

Nurglon is running for all seats, as she/it will not accept compromise or negotiation -- and he/she, being 150 feet tall, needs all the space to fit inside the assembly.

Nurglon's campaign promises have been announced as the following:

- "NURGLONCARE": All unemployed shall be fed to Nurglon, thus ridding the nation of any who cannot afford private health insurance, and thus also solving the job crisis.

- FAMILY VALUES: The Many-Eyed Spawn of Nurglon, now counting roughly 100,000 surviving hatchlings, shall be incorporated into the U.S. federal government and replace its human members.

- PRO-TORTURE: Waterboarding shall be made mandatory for interrogating all suspects when they are taken away. Everyone is a potential suspect.

- MONETARY REFORM: Blood shall be the new currency, the value of which is absolute.

- WAR: Nurglon shall cleanse the earth from terror with torrents of fire and suffering. The survivors (if any) shall be safe to fight in the next war.

- FAITH: All must bow down and worship Nurglon, Mistress of Great Cthulhu.

In related news, talk radio host Rash Limburger has accused Nurglon of being "soft on terrorism" and a "Republican in Name Only."

BREAKING NEWS: Nurglon Rises From Grave, Takes U.S. Government Hostage, Spits In President's Face, Proposes Eating Nation's Unemployed

Nurglon (archive photo, 2008)

WASHINGTON, D.C. (POX News): Former Presidential candidate Nurglon (r), long believed to be dead, appeared in the nation's capital and slithered into the Capitol building. Democratic Congressmen fled the site in panic, while scores of Republican politicians and staff bowed down in worship, chanting Nurglon's name.

Once seated across the entire Democratic segment of Congress, Nurglon promptly declared herself/itself the "de facto U.S. Government" and made the following proclamation on C-SPAN:

Nurglon (r): THERE IS NO HEALTH CARE REFORM BECAUSE THE WEAK ARE NOT FIT TO LIVE. I PROPOSE MY OWN REFORM TO SOLVE BOTH THE HEALTH CARE CRISIS AND THE JOB CRISIS IN ONE SWIFT MOVE.

I SHALL EAT ALL THE NATION'S UNEMPLOYED, AS THEY CANNOT AFFORD HEALTH CARE. PROBLEM SOLVED. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON YOUR GOD!

Nurglon received wild cheers from Republican Congressmen, who proceeded to chant "Eat the poor! Eat the poor!" for half an hour.

President Barack Obama (D) then appeared before the remaining half of Congress, and began to speak -- but was interrupted when a giant gob of spit hurled from Nurglon's maw knocked him off the speaker's pulpit. He was carried unconscious from the building but is reported to have suffered only a mild concussion.

When POX News' correspondent Sarah Tannin asked Nurglon why she/it no longer seemed afraid of the President, Nurglon explained:

HOW LITTLE PERSPECTIVE YOU PUNY HUMANS HAVE. THE SHINING ONE LOST FOR THE ONE REASON I HAVE KNOWN FOR DECADES: BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS TURNED FROM THE PARTY OF THE CONFEDERACY INTO THE PARTY OF THE WEAK.

AND IT IS THE FATE OF THE TOOTHLESS TO BE EATEN BY THE RUTHLESS. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP YOUR GOD AND PRESIDENT -- NURGLON!!

For more on the developing situation, stay tuned with POX News.

Meanwhile, Back In 2008, Nurglon Said...

Interviewed by POX News during her campaign back in late 2008, Nurglon(r) said....

Sean Inannity: [...]You may have heard some critics attack you for coming from another dimension in Alaska.Now, the Justice Department has assured voters that your dimension legally speaking lies within U.S. territory. 
How do you respond to critics who claim your citizenship isn't strictly legal?

Nurglon: IS TORTURE LEGAL? HA HA HA!

Well, thank the stars that Nurglon's dead and isn't coming back. Right?

Right......?

If You're Bitter About Writing, Then Quit

Through Nick Mamatas, I read this blogpost with a long quote from Lucius Shepard's novella "Dog-Eared Paperback of My Life".

Choice Quote:
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"[...] Of my many failings, the most galling was that I had wasted my gifts on genre fiction. I could have achieved much more, I believed, had I not gone for the easy money but, like Cradle Two, had been faithful to my muse.

Typically, I didn't count myself to blame but assigned blame to the editors and agents who had counseled me, to the marketers and bean counters who had delimited me, and to the people with whom I had surrounded myself—wives and girlfriends, my fans, my friends.

They had dragged me down to their level, seduced me into becoming a populist. [...]"
-------------------
Read the rest.

The complete passage isn't merely a fictional portrait of a fictional embittered writer (a commercially successful, one, mind you!). The entire text paints a portrait of writers who resent other writers and also hate themselves.

I've had different jobs. I can't say I enjoyed all of them equally, or had fun all the time (but who does? Is life supposed to be permanent bliss?).

So like any other work, the craft of writing has its ups and downs... as does the business of meeting readers and other writers. But does anyone in the world have the privilege to pick and choose which parts of the world they feel like interacting with? Hardly.

Reading the entire quote, I get the feel that Shepard is lampooning everybody including himself - writers and readers alike. Which is fine. (Even as I also thought, "Oh, cry me a river will you...")

But if I should encounter that bitter, self-pitying attitude in real life, without the irony or humor, I'd disapprove of it. Why should writers feel especially entitled to complaining about how they've wasted their lives and talents on doing inferior work for an audience of fools?

I believe in craft. I believe in the joy of doing a good job. I believe in self-expression. I believe that fiction and storytelling are as essential to human existence as breathing. I don't believe in bitterness; it's merely the bad side of human nature and shouldn't be elevated to "truth" or "honesty" because it isn't.

I once read an interview with Alistair MacLean, the bestselling thriller writer, where he claimed that he never wrote a good book, only junk.

Was he being sincerely self-hating, fishing for compliments, displaying false modesty, or just neurotic? I don't know and I don't care. But he did not make a good impression.

No matter what work you do, unless you're a slave and can't quit: If you're bitter about your job, then quit. If you're neurotic about writing, guess what: The world does not owe you therapy. So write, or don't write. It's up to you. There is no shame in doing other things for a living.

Kameron Hurley On Writers Getting "Branded"

Read Kameron Hurley's essay "Branded: The Good. The Bad. The Ugly."

Choice Quote:
"I think that as much as we like to pretend that what gets us ahead is our originality and creativity, writers – whether consciously or not – end up either being branded or branding themselves over the course of their careers."

Play BOOK REJECTION BINGO!!

Tearing your hair out at rejection slips that make little or no sense?
Save your hair!
Instead, play... BOOK REJECTION BINGO!!



Game board created by the eminent Kameron Hurley
(whose short story "The Women of Our Occupation" you must read.)

Kameron noted, on her blog:
"It was terribly fun to write up... lots of these are based on rejections of now-famous books."
Ouch, publishers. Ouch.

Stephen King's CARRIE Was Rejected HOW Many Times??

Gee, I didn't know that Stephen King's breakthrough novel was rejected 30 times.

Surely it must be part of a massive conspiracy to make big publishing houses seem like a bunch of clowns...?
(The same conspiracy that made so many unsuspecting big publishers make the apparently conscious decision to reject an apparently unsellable manuscript called HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE.)

Read the list of 14 bestsellers which were rejected many, many times. And don't give up.

(Thanks to Ashok Banker for the link suggestion.)

Must-Read Ashok Banker Interview

On the World SF News Blog, this must-read interview with the bestselling Indian author Ashok Banker.

Choice quotes:
"People sometimes assume that writers write and readers read to escape from reality; in my case, it was always the other way around. My home life was so surreal, so dark-fantastic, that I read and wrote to stay real. I was afraid I might vanish like a fading grin upon a tree branch, so I quickly carved my initials with a pocketknife."

"To be honest, I’ve all but given up on getting published anywhere outside India and have stopped trying. The system itself is designed in such a way that it’s become all about pleasing agents and editors, not about writers talking to readers directly."

I'm in awe of this guy.

Also check out Ashok Banker's website/blog. And buy one of his books, will you?

BBC Documentary About Philip K. Dick

Unmissable documentary about the life and fiction of Philip K. Dick; lots of SF authors appear in it (including the late Thomas M. Disch).

MAGIENS ARV ("Heirs To The Magic") Official Website Is OPEN!

On May 23, Norwegian state radio (NRK) starts broadcasting my fantasy series MAGIENS ARV ("Heirs to the Magic"). It is also available online:

The series' official website (in Norwegian) is now up and running, and you can download the first episode directly from the site.

MAGIENS ARV official website at NRK

Additional content will be added to the site later (i.e. further episodes in the series). Right now the site contains concept art, a map (all fantasy must have maps), character artwork and unlockable bonus material.

Oh, and there's a PC game too:
MAGIENS ARV - the game (with Norwegian text), for Windows PC

Radio Series MAGIENS ARV (a.k.a. "Heirs To The Magic")

It's official: The radio series I wrote for Norwegian state radio (NRK) starts broadcasting and webcasting on May 23, 2009.

MAGIENS ARV premieres on NRK

John Scalzi: "10 Things to Remember About Authors"

Acclaimed SF writer John Scalzi explains "10 Things to Remember About Authors".

Choice Quote:
"And no, being a fan of an author’s books or series doesn’t count as being actively involved in that author’s life. You are actively involved with his or her books; that’s not even close to the same thing. "

To be honest, the possibility (however microscopically slight) that one day, my books might become as popular as his, frightens me just a little bit.

Because "fans" can sometimes act like they "own" the writer and/or the writer's works and has the right to make demands, according to the Unspoken First Law of the Obsessed Fan:

"I love this, therefore it is mine."

I shouldn't have to tell you that this is the first step toward a dysfunctional relationship.
Try telling your spouse/significant other (in a suitably creepy voice), "I love you, you're mine, I OOWWN YOOUU..." and see how far that gets you.

I'd rather have Readers than Fans. A Reader has no need to make demands. A Reader enjoys a book, has no need for a never-ending book series. A Reader recognizes that a fictional character isn't his/her Secret Identity.

On the flip side, Readers feel no obligation to buy your next book just because they "have to." Which is fine with me. I can relax and write what I want, not the sequel that the Fans Have Demanded.

Binyavanga Wainaina: "How To Write About Africa"

By way of Nick Mamatas, this hilarious satire of the most tired, shopworn literary cliches about Africa:

Binyavanga Wainaina: "How To Write About Africa"

Choice quote (and I hope this upsets all the right people):
-----------------
Establish early on that your liberalism is impeccable, and mention near the beginning how much you love Africa, how you fell in love with the place and can’t live without her.

Africa is the only continent you can love — take advantage of this. If you are a man, thrust yourself into her warm virgin forests. If you are a woman, treat Africa as a man who wears a bush jacket and disappears off into the sunset. Africa is to be pitied, worshipped or dominated.

Whichever angle you take, be sure to leave the strong impression that without your intervention and your important book, Africa is doomed.
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Short Fiction by A.R.Yngve in Chinese magazine SF KING

(Updated Jan.7) Back in 2005, my short stories "See" and "Telephone Conversations were published in two Chinese science-fiction magazines.

The follow-up took me a while to accomplish, but... now in late 2008, the Chinese magazine SF KING has published another short story of mine.

Interior art for "Stupid!" by A.R.Yngve, in the November 2008 issue of SF KING.(*)

(And whaddya know... this ignorant Westerner can't read Chinese! Can you please help me translate what it says on the Contents Page?)
------------------

(* My wife thinks the character in the illustration looks suspiciously familiar... especially the big feet. I think the artist used a photo of me as a model, which would be a good in-joke... ;-) )

NURGLON DEAD FROM "INDIGESTION"; Offspring Migrates To North Korea

Snapshot of Nurglon (r) dissolving.

POX News, Oct.28:
Inbredburg, The Very Deep South: Nurglon (r) is dead.

According to witnesses in the town of Inbredburg, the 150-foot tall Presidential/Vice-Presidential candidate swallowed POX News' reporter Sean Inannity - and then rapidly started to dissolve into a reeking, pink, rotting mass, covering an area the size of the Astrodome.

Cleaning up the remains of Nurglon may take months, and the area is currently being sealed off by federal authorities as a bio hazard. A witness to her/its tragic demise was heard saying: "So not even Nurglon could stomach Sean Inannity."

The late talk-show host Sean Inannity, admired by millions of conservative TV viewers, is now being praised by colleagues.

"Sean would never let mere facts get in the way of truthiness," says fellow talk-show host Stu Colburp.

"Sean Inannity was the voice of the real America," says talk-show host Rash Limburger. "His face should be printed on all my little pill boxes, as a tribute."

Barack Obama has so far been unavailable for a comment.

In related news, Nurglon's five million offspring have since fled the country. Unconfirmed reports from Asia claim that the millions of fleeing mini-Nurglons are now storming the coast of North Korea.

Experts are in disagreement whether this would make living conditions in North Korea better or worse.

Nurglon Volunteer Admits Chopping Off Own Foot, Blaming "Socialists"

POX News, Oct.25: 19-year-old Bobbi Jo Sispak, college student and campaign volunteer for Nurglon (r), today admitted to giving false and misleading testimony the police.

Ms. Sispak had previously told the police that she was attacked by "Socialists" who chopped off her left foot and jammed it into her mouth, and then left her for dead.

However, when local police found the weapon - a chainsaw - covered with only her own bloody fingerprints, Ms. Sispak was questioned again. When confronted with the evidence, she broke down and admitted her deception. She had used the chainsaw to sever her left foot, then stuffed it in her mouth and pretended to be the victim of a gang of "Socialists."

Sispak failed to give a clear explanation of her motive, except that she "only wanted to serve Nurglon, mistress of Great Cthulhu and a true American hero."

POX News asked Bobbi Jo Sispak to clarify herself. She said: "Y'know... Socialists. Dark-skinned, vicious Socialists, always looking to mutilate white women."

The girl's father, noted Nurglon volunteer Joe-Bob Sispak, claims in a statement that the police had "waterboarded" his daughter to make her lie about the crime, and added:

"Us real Americans must avenge my baby girl for putting her foot in her mouth!"

Joe-Bob Sispak, campaign volunteer for Nurglon (r).

Angela Hoy: "The World's Worst Book Proposals"

Funny: The World's Worst Book Proposals.

Choice quote:
--------------------
FROM AN ACTUAL BOOK, which is already in production (published by another POD publisher, of course):

"Chapter 2: When Things Go Right
Chapter 3: When Things Go Warong"

--------------------
Warong indeed. Hoy's column is an ongoing feature, so be sure to click the links to previous hilarious installments.

Now, I'm all for encouraging people to try writing. But how about practicing writing just for fun and self-education, before you launch your professional writing career?

The saying goes, it takes ten years to become a skilled writer. (It took me slightly longer to get my first novel published.) I think people who fail either do not try hard enough, or get their goals confused.

You're allowed to write the way you want. But you're not entitled to get it published. To get published, certain formal requirements must be met:

1. The work must interest the publisher, i.e. not be too dull;
2. It must be up to professional standards of spelling, grammar and style;
3. It must be finished work.

Most people who fail at writing ignore one or several of the above. Don't be one of them.

1. Send only interesting work to the proper publisher(or agent);
2. Make sure all spelling and grammar is correct
(Yes, you can experiment a bit, but you gotta learn the rules before you break them, comprende?)
3. First and foremost, send finished work.