BREAKING NEWS: Nurglon Rises From Grave, Takes U.S. Government Hostage, Spits In President's Face, Proposes Eating Nation's Unemployed

Nurglon (archive photo, 2008)

WASHINGTON, D.C. (POX News): Former Presidential candidate Nurglon (r), long believed to be dead, appeared in the nation's capital and slithered into the Capitol building. Democratic Congressmen fled the site in panic, while scores of Republican politicians and staff bowed down in worship, chanting Nurglon's name.

Once seated across the entire Democratic segment of Congress, Nurglon promptly declared herself/itself the "de facto U.S. Government" and made the following proclamation on C-SPAN:

Nurglon (r): THERE IS NO HEALTH CARE REFORM BECAUSE THE WEAK ARE NOT FIT TO LIVE. I PROPOSE MY OWN REFORM TO SOLVE BOTH THE HEALTH CARE CRISIS AND THE JOB CRISIS IN ONE SWIFT MOVE.

I SHALL EAT ALL THE NATION'S UNEMPLOYED, AS THEY CANNOT AFFORD HEALTH CARE. PROBLEM SOLVED. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON YOUR GOD!

Nurglon received wild cheers from Republican Congressmen, who proceeded to chant "Eat the poor! Eat the poor!" for half an hour.

President Barack Obama (D) then appeared before the remaining half of Congress, and began to speak -- but was interrupted when a giant gob of spit hurled from Nurglon's maw knocked him off the speaker's pulpit. He was carried unconscious from the building but is reported to have suffered only a mild concussion.

When POX News' correspondent Sarah Tannin asked Nurglon why she/it no longer seemed afraid of the President, Nurglon explained:

HOW LITTLE PERSPECTIVE YOU PUNY HUMANS HAVE. THE SHINING ONE LOST FOR THE ONE REASON I HAVE KNOWN FOR DECADES: BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS TURNED FROM THE PARTY OF THE CONFEDERACY INTO THE PARTY OF THE WEAK.

AND IT IS THE FATE OF THE TOOTHLESS TO BE EATEN BY THE RUTHLESS. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP YOUR GOD AND PRESIDENT -- NURGLON!!

For more on the developing situation, stay tuned with POX News.

Meanwhile, Back In 2008, Nurglon Said...

Interviewed by POX News during her campaign back in late 2008, Nurglon(r) said....

Sean Inannity: [...]You may have heard some critics attack you for coming from another dimension in Alaska.Now, the Justice Department has assured voters that your dimension legally speaking lies within U.S. territory. 
How do you respond to critics who claim your citizenship isn't strictly legal?

Nurglon: IS TORTURE LEGAL? HA HA HA!

Well, thank the stars that Nurglon's dead and isn't coming back. Right?

Right......?

If You're Bitter About Writing, Then Quit

Through Nick Mamatas, I read this blogpost with a long quote from Lucius Shepard's novella "Dog-Eared Paperback of My Life".

Choice Quote:
-------------------
"[...] Of my many failings, the most galling was that I had wasted my gifts on genre fiction. I could have achieved much more, I believed, had I not gone for the easy money but, like Cradle Two, had been faithful to my muse.

Typically, I didn't count myself to blame but assigned blame to the editors and agents who had counseled me, to the marketers and bean counters who had delimited me, and to the people with whom I had surrounded myself—wives and girlfriends, my fans, my friends.

They had dragged me down to their level, seduced me into becoming a populist. [...]"
-------------------
Read the rest.

The complete passage isn't merely a fictional portrait of a fictional embittered writer (a commercially successful, one, mind you!). The entire text paints a portrait of writers who resent other writers and also hate themselves.

I've had different jobs. I can't say I enjoyed all of them equally, or had fun all the time (but who does? Is life supposed to be permanent bliss?).

So like any other work, the craft of writing has its ups and downs... as does the business of meeting readers and other writers. But does anyone in the world have the privilege to pick and choose which parts of the world they feel like interacting with? Hardly.

Reading the entire quote, I get the feel that Shepard is lampooning everybody including himself - writers and readers alike. Which is fine. (Even as I also thought, "Oh, cry me a river will you...")

But if I should encounter that bitter, self-pitying attitude in real life, without the irony or humor, I'd disapprove of it. Why should writers feel especially entitled to complaining about how they've wasted their lives and talents on doing inferior work for an audience of fools?

I believe in craft. I believe in the joy of doing a good job. I believe in self-expression. I believe that fiction and storytelling are as essential to human existence as breathing. I don't believe in bitterness; it's merely the bad side of human nature and shouldn't be elevated to "truth" or "honesty" because it isn't.

I once read an interview with Alistair MacLean, the bestselling thriller writer, where he claimed that he never wrote a good book, only junk.

Was he being sincerely self-hating, fishing for compliments, displaying false modesty, or just neurotic? I don't know and I don't care. But he did not make a good impression.

No matter what work you do, unless you're a slave and can't quit: If you're bitter about your job, then quit. If you're neurotic about writing, guess what: The world does not owe you therapy. So write, or don't write. It's up to you. There is no shame in doing other things for a living.

Kameron Hurley On Writers Getting "Branded"

Read Kameron Hurley's essay "Branded: The Good. The Bad. The Ugly."

Choice Quote:
"I think that as much as we like to pretend that what gets us ahead is our originality and creativity, writers – whether consciously or not – end up either being branded or branding themselves over the course of their careers."

Play BOOK REJECTION BINGO!!

Tearing your hair out at rejection slips that make little or no sense?
Save your hair!
Instead, play... BOOK REJECTION BINGO!!



Game board created by the eminent Kameron Hurley
(whose short story "The Women of Our Occupation" you must read.)

Kameron noted, on her blog:
"It was terribly fun to write up... lots of these are based on rejections of now-famous books."
Ouch, publishers. Ouch.

Stephen King's CARRIE Was Rejected HOW Many Times??

Gee, I didn't know that Stephen King's breakthrough novel was rejected 30 times.

Surely it must be part of a massive conspiracy to make big publishing houses seem like a bunch of clowns...?
(The same conspiracy that made so many unsuspecting big publishers make the apparently conscious decision to reject an apparently unsellable manuscript called HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE.)

Read the list of 14 bestsellers which were rejected many, many times. And don't give up.

(Thanks to Ashok Banker for the link suggestion.)

Must-Read Ashok Banker Interview

On the World SF News Blog, this must-read interview with the bestselling Indian author Ashok Banker.

Choice quotes:
"People sometimes assume that writers write and readers read to escape from reality; in my case, it was always the other way around. My home life was so surreal, so dark-fantastic, that I read and wrote to stay real. I was afraid I might vanish like a fading grin upon a tree branch, so I quickly carved my initials with a pocketknife."

"To be honest, I’ve all but given up on getting published anywhere outside India and have stopped trying. The system itself is designed in such a way that it’s become all about pleasing agents and editors, not about writers talking to readers directly."

I'm in awe of this guy.

Also check out Ashok Banker's website/blog. And buy one of his books, will you?

BBC Documentary About Philip K. Dick

Unmissable documentary about the life and fiction of Philip K. Dick; lots of SF authors appear in it (including the late Thomas M. Disch).

MAGIENS ARV ("Heirs To The Magic") Official Website Is OPEN!

On May 23, Norwegian state radio (NRK) starts broadcasting my fantasy series MAGIENS ARV ("Heirs to the Magic"). It is also available online:

The series' official website (in Norwegian) is now up and running, and you can download the first episode directly from the site.

MAGIENS ARV official website at NRK

Additional content will be added to the site later (i.e. further episodes in the series). Right now the site contains concept art, a map (all fantasy must have maps), character artwork and unlockable bonus material.

Oh, and there's a PC game too:
MAGIENS ARV - the game (with Norwegian text), for Windows PC

Radio Series MAGIENS ARV (a.k.a. "Heirs To The Magic")

It's official: The radio series I wrote for Norwegian state radio (NRK) starts broadcasting and webcasting on May 23, 2009.

MAGIENS ARV premieres on NRK

John Scalzi: "10 Things to Remember About Authors"

Acclaimed SF writer John Scalzi explains "10 Things to Remember About Authors".

Choice Quote:
"And no, being a fan of an author’s books or series doesn’t count as being actively involved in that author’s life. You are actively involved with his or her books; that’s not even close to the same thing. "

To be honest, the possibility (however microscopically slight) that one day, my books might become as popular as his, frightens me just a little bit.

Because "fans" can sometimes act like they "own" the writer and/or the writer's works and has the right to make demands, according to the Unspoken First Law of the Obsessed Fan:

"I love this, therefore it is mine."

I shouldn't have to tell you that this is the first step toward a dysfunctional relationship.
Try telling your spouse/significant other (in a suitably creepy voice), "I love you, you're mine, I OOWWN YOOUU..." and see how far that gets you.

I'd rather have Readers than Fans. A Reader has no need to make demands. A Reader enjoys a book, has no need for a never-ending book series. A Reader recognizes that a fictional character isn't his/her Secret Identity.

On the flip side, Readers feel no obligation to buy your next book just because they "have to." Which is fine with me. I can relax and write what I want, not the sequel that the Fans Have Demanded.

Binyavanga Wainaina: "How To Write About Africa"

By way of Nick Mamatas, this hilarious satire of the most tired, shopworn literary cliches about Africa:

Binyavanga Wainaina: "How To Write About Africa"

Choice quote (and I hope this upsets all the right people):
-----------------
Establish early on that your liberalism is impeccable, and mention near the beginning how much you love Africa, how you fell in love with the place and can’t live without her.

Africa is the only continent you can love — take advantage of this. If you are a man, thrust yourself into her warm virgin forests. If you are a woman, treat Africa as a man who wears a bush jacket and disappears off into the sunset. Africa is to be pitied, worshipped or dominated.

Whichever angle you take, be sure to leave the strong impression that without your intervention and your important book, Africa is doomed.
-----------------

Short Fiction by A.R.Yngve in Chinese magazine SF KING

(Updated Jan.7) Back in 2005, my short stories "See" and "Telephone Conversations were published in two Chinese science-fiction magazines.

The follow-up took me a while to accomplish, but... now in late 2008, the Chinese magazine SF KING has published another short story of mine.

Interior art for "Stupid!" by A.R.Yngve, in the November 2008 issue of SF KING.(*)

(And whaddya know... this ignorant Westerner can't read Chinese! Can you please help me translate what it says on the Contents Page?)
------------------

(* My wife thinks the character in the illustration looks suspiciously familiar... especially the big feet. I think the artist used a photo of me as a model, which would be a good in-joke... ;-) )

NURGLON DEAD FROM "INDIGESTION"; Offspring Migrates To North Korea

Snapshot of Nurglon (r) dissolving.

POX News, Oct.28:
Inbredburg, The Very Deep South: Nurglon (r) is dead.

According to witnesses in the town of Inbredburg, the 150-foot tall Presidential/Vice-Presidential candidate swallowed POX News' reporter Sean Inannity - and then rapidly started to dissolve into a reeking, pink, rotting mass, covering an area the size of the Astrodome.

Cleaning up the remains of Nurglon may take months, and the area is currently being sealed off by federal authorities as a bio hazard. A witness to her/its tragic demise was heard saying: "So not even Nurglon could stomach Sean Inannity."

The late talk-show host Sean Inannity, admired by millions of conservative TV viewers, is now being praised by colleagues.

"Sean would never let mere facts get in the way of truthiness," says fellow talk-show host Stu Colburp.

"Sean Inannity was the voice of the real America," says talk-show host Rash Limburger. "His face should be printed on all my little pill boxes, as a tribute."

Barack Obama has so far been unavailable for a comment.

In related news, Nurglon's five million offspring have since fled the country. Unconfirmed reports from Asia claim that the millions of fleeing mini-Nurglons are now storming the coast of North Korea.

Experts are in disagreement whether this would make living conditions in North Korea better or worse.

Nurglon Volunteer Admits Chopping Off Own Foot, Blaming "Socialists"

POX News, Oct.25: 19-year-old Bobbi Jo Sispak, college student and campaign volunteer for Nurglon (r), today admitted to giving false and misleading testimony the police.

Ms. Sispak had previously told the police that she was attacked by "Socialists" who chopped off her left foot and jammed it into her mouth, and then left her for dead.

However, when local police found the weapon - a chainsaw - covered with only her own bloody fingerprints, Ms. Sispak was questioned again. When confronted with the evidence, she broke down and admitted her deception. She had used the chainsaw to sever her left foot, then stuffed it in her mouth and pretended to be the victim of a gang of "Socialists."

Sispak failed to give a clear explanation of her motive, except that she "only wanted to serve Nurglon, mistress of Great Cthulhu and a true American hero."

POX News asked Bobbi Jo Sispak to clarify herself. She said: "Y'know... Socialists. Dark-skinned, vicious Socialists, always looking to mutilate white women."

The girl's father, noted Nurglon volunteer Joe-Bob Sispak, claims in a statement that the police had "waterboarded" his daughter to make her lie about the crime, and added:

"Us real Americans must avenge my baby girl for putting her foot in her mouth!"

Joe-Bob Sispak, campaign volunteer for Nurglon (r).

Angela Hoy: "The World's Worst Book Proposals"

Funny: The World's Worst Book Proposals.

Choice quote:
--------------------
FROM AN ACTUAL BOOK, which is already in production (published by another POD publisher, of course):

"Chapter 2: When Things Go Right
Chapter 3: When Things Go Warong"

--------------------
Warong indeed. Hoy's column is an ongoing feature, so be sure to click the links to previous hilarious installments.

Now, I'm all for encouraging people to try writing. But how about practicing writing just for fun and self-education, before you launch your professional writing career?

The saying goes, it takes ten years to become a skilled writer. (It took me slightly longer to get my first novel published.) I think people who fail either do not try hard enough, or get their goals confused.

You're allowed to write the way you want. But you're not entitled to get it published. To get published, certain formal requirements must be met:

1. The work must interest the publisher, i.e. not be too dull;
2. It must be up to professional standards of spelling, grammar and style;
3. It must be finished work.

Most people who fail at writing ignore one or several of the above. Don't be one of them.

1. Send only interesting work to the proper publisher(or agent);
2. Make sure all spelling and grammar is correct
(Yes, you can experiment a bit, but you gotta learn the rules before you break them, comprende?)
3. First and foremost, send finished work.

Nurglon's New Wardrobe May Bankrupt Economy, Say Analysts

Presidential/Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r), who usually does not wear clothes, has now taken to fashion.

In Inbredburg, Nurglon supporters cheered on their candidate as she/it showcased its/her first complete red dress.

But Nurglon's new style may come at a high cost to the U.S. economy, warn financial analysts. Many of them are afraid to criticize Nurglon openly.

"It's not just a question of running out of campaign funds," says a source who wishes to remain anonymous. "The Republican Party has taken huge short-term loans to pay for Nurglon's dresses, and staked everything on her winning the election. If she doesn't win and can't create bailout packages to cover the debts, the GOP goes bankrupt."

"And none of the money paid for these gigantic garments goes back into the U.S. economy. Thousands of Chinese textile workers are employed to make them. India exports 5% of the fabrics it produces to America for Nurglon clothing alone."

"This textile and clothing bubble has been growing way too fast, and could burst on Election Day."

Nurglon Declares 30% Of America "Un-America", Calls For Purge

In a recent blitz of open-air rallies across rural America, Presidential/Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r) has launched the concept of "Un-America."

At Nurglon's most recent small-town appearance in Rottenville, a POX News' reporter heard the following speech:

Nurglon: THIS! IS! AMERICA!!

(Crowd cheers)

N: ON THE COASTLINES, IN THE BIG CITIES, LIES... UN-AMERICA! CITIES THAT ARE ELITIST, HARD-HEARTED... AND HARD TO CHEW!

(Crowd boos)

N: WHEN I AM ELECTED PRESIDENT, I SHALL ORDER MY FIVE MILLION YOUNG TO EAT UN-AMERICA! WITH A SIDE ORDER OF SOCIALISM!

(Crowd gives standing ovation)

N: AND THEN THIS GREAT NATION SHALL BE PERFECT AGAIN, FOLKS! YOU BETCHA!

In related news: after the abovementioned rally, central Rottenville was burned down by overzealous Nurglon supporters while they tried to ignite an effigy of Barack Obama. According to witnesses, the effigy was carried out of the fire unscathed.
--------------------------------

Related stories:

Nurglon Speaks...

Nurglons Slams Obama...

Nurglon Denies...

Nurglon claims...

Nurglon supporters claim...
Nurglon releases...

Nurglon Releases McCain For Final Debate With Obama

In an exclusive statement to POX News before the third and final 2008 presidential debate, Presidential/Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r) declared that John McCain has now been turned into a zombie and released from Nurglon's mouth.

Nurglon said:
"THE McCAIN CORPSE SHALL DO MY BIDDING. IT SHALL EXPOSE THE SHINING ONE AS AN ENEMY OF ALL THAT I STAND FOR... FAMILY VALUES, FAITH, STRONG LEADERSHIP, FOLKSINESS AND STRAIGHT TALK."

When asked to clarify, Nurglon only added:
"BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, GOSHDARN IT."

The McCain zombie performed adequately during the third debate with Barack Obama. Among his undead statements were:
"Urrr! Ayers!"
"Braaaains! Braains good!"
"Uuuuh! ACOOORN!"
"Huuuuh! Maaario the Pluuumber!"
---------------------------------------

Related stories:

Nurglon Speaks...

Nurglons Slams Obama...

Nurglon Denies...

Nurglon claims...

Nurglon supporters claim...

Distress Call From Nurglon's Mouth May Be Missing John McCain, Witnesses Say

POX News, Oct. 11: Witnesses at Nurglon's most recent public speech have heard cries for help from inside Nurglon's giant, gaping mouth, which may come from the missing John McCain.

The witnesses said that while they were listening to Nurglon (r) speaking, they heard muffled shouts from somewhere along its/her middle row of teeth (Nurglon has three known rows of teeth, each counting approx. 200 claw-like molars) - and that it sounded like McCain's voice.

According to witnesses, the shouts sounded something like, "Help! Help! I'm stuck between her teeth and I can't get out!" and "Somebody help! She's eating the entire party!"

POX News has asked several prominent dentists if it would be possible to extract a person alive from Nurglon's jaws. They all declined to answer.

--------------------------------------

Related stories:

Nurglon Speaks...

Nurglons Slams Obama...

Nurglon Denies...

Nurglon claims...

Nurglon supporters claim...

Nurglon Supporters Claim Barack Obama Is A Witch

Joe-Bob Sispak, interviewed by POX News' Sean Inannity in the Very Deep South, Oct.10:

Sean Inannity: Joe-Bob... you and your friends, die-hard Nurglon supporters, are saying that Barack Obama is a witch.

Joe-Bob Sispak: Yeah!

(Voices in crowd: A witch! A witch! Burn'im! Burn the witch!)

S: But how do you know he's a witch?

J: He turned me into a newt!

S: A newt?

J: (Pause) I got better...

S: It does look like Obama is going to win the election. Do you expect your candidate, Nurglon, to bow out gracefully?

J: No! Nurglon must win! She's the only one who can save us now!

S: From the economic crisis?

J: No, ya dope! From the elves!

S: The elves??

J: Yeah! See, Nurglon's been givin' us a few hints who's really behind them bad loans and risin' prices and stuff! It's all the work of a global conspiracy of elves! But Nurglon's gonna eat all the elves and then the problems are going away! Nurglon forever!!

(Crowd cheers)

------------------------

Nurglon Speaks...
Nurglons Slams Obama...
Nurglon Denies...

Nurglon Claims Obama Is Friendly With Terrorists

POX News, The Very Deep South, Oct.7: During a torch-lit evening rally, before a rapt crowd of 5,000 followers, Nurglon (r) made this highly critical statement of her/its opponent:

Nurglon: FOLKS... THE SHINING ONE HAS BEEN TO COUNTRIES YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO!

(30-second standing ovation from audience)

N: HE CAN READ... AND WRITE!

(10-second booing and hissing from audience)

N: WHAT DOES THAT MAKE HIM?

(Man in crowd: "You tell'im, Nurglon!")

N: THE SHINING ONE IS DIFFERENT! NOT ONE OF US! HE'S A FRIEND OF PEOPLE WHO READ AND WRITE BOOKS! A FRIEND OF TERRORISTS!

(30-second standing ovation from audience)

N: NOW MAKE SURE NURGLON BECOMES YOUR RULER AND OVERLORD... TO SAVE THE CHILDREN FROM TERRORISM! THE JUICY, TASTY CHILDREN!

(3-minute standing ovation from audience)

------------------------------------------------

Buy your Nurglon merchandise in the 2008 Election Rejection Shop!

Nurglon Denies Having Eaten John McCain

POX News, Oct. 6: During a recent political rally, POX News asked Presidential and Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r) about the mysterious disappearance of John McCain, whom Nurglon replaced after having replaced Sarah Palin.

Sean Inannity: Nurglon, I'll be frank with you. Did you eat John McCain?

Nurglon: NO! NO! GOSH GOLDARN IT, NO.

S: Are you sure?

N: HE'S A HECKUVA TOUGH OLD MAN. THAT'D BE LIKE EATING AN OLD SHOE WITH THE STRINGS ON. HE'D TASTE GOSHDARN AWFUL, AND THAT'S THE PLAIN TRUTH.

S: Seems your speech has become increasingly afflicted with "folksiness." Is this going down well with core conservative voters and hockey moms?

N: BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURG...! I MEAN, GOSH! YEAH! I'M DOWN WITH THEM HOCKEY MOMS. Y'ALL.

S: And how do you respond to the close poll numbers? Do they worry you?

N: I DON'T BOW DOWN TO THEM ELITE TYPES WITH THEIR HIGH-FALUTIN' STATS AND NUMBERS AND WHATNOT. FRIENDS.

S: Well, you certainly still have strong support in the South and the heartland.

N: RIVERS OF BLO... I MEAN, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A SOFT SPOT FOR OL' DIXIE. NOW BOW DOWN TO NURGLON, Y'HEAR?

----------
Related posts:
Nurglon Speaks...
Nurglons Slams Obama...

"Obama Unqualified For Waging Total War," Says Nurglon

In a follow-up to her/its recent tell-all interview for POX News' Sean Inannity, Presidential and Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r) slams Barack Obama for being "unqualified" for the military responsibilities of the presidency:

Q: Nurglon, do you have anything to add to your previous comments about your opponent, Barack Obama?

Nurglon: THE SHINING ONE IS WEAK! WEAK!! HIS PITIFUL HUMAN CONSCIENCE FORBIDS HIM TO WAGE TOTAL WAR ON MANKIND, AS I SHALL WHEN I AM ELECTED!

Q: When you say "total war," do you mean the states which sponsor Al-Qaeda in the War On Terror?

N: NO. THE OTHER ENEMY.

Q: Which other enemy?

N: LIFE.

Countless conservative bloggers and pundits have praised Nurglon for this statement, which they claim as proof of Nurglon's necessary "toughness" to rule America. To quote one blogger: "Nurglon in '08! You're either with her or against her!"

----------

Related posts:

Nurglon Speaks...

Nurglon Denies...

NURGLON Speaks! Exclusive Interview

Transcript of Sean Inannity's world-exclusive interview with NURGLON, September 23 2008, for POX News:

Sean Inannity: Thank you for coming here, Nurglon.

Nurglon: BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, MISTRESS OF GREAT CTHULHU! THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME HERE, SEAN.

S: Is "Nurglon" your first or last name, by the way?

N: FIRST AND LAST.

S: So your kids, they have "Nurglon" for last name, or...?

N: I SELF-CONCEIVED. THAT MAKES THEM ALL NURGLON, I SUPPOSE. HA HA HA!

S: He, he... right.
Nurglon, you burst onto the political scene quite late in the '08 campaign... when you materialized in Alaska and took immediate control of the local Republican campaign headquarter. The party officials acknowledged your status as natural-born U.S. citizen and made you an instant party member.
How do you motivate your choice of party?

N: THE WORSHIPPERS AT THE CAMPAIGN HQ PERFORMED THE APPROPRIATE RITUAL SACRIFICE AND OPENED A DOORWAY FOR ME, USING THE FORBIDDEN INCANTATIONS OF ABDUL AL-HAZRED.

S: Right... and only a few days later, the national GOP congress voted you in as the new vice-presidential candidate, despite the vocal protests of Sarah Palin.
Did you hesitate about muscling in on her post so abruptly? Or, did you fear how she might respond?

N: I EAT PEOPLE LIKE PALIN FOR BREAKFAST. AND LUNCH. AND DINNER.

S: He, he... now, the most amazing part of your success story is how the core conservative voters instantly fell in love with you.
Let's listen to a few voices from the heartland...


Bobby Joe Scagg, gun shop owner, Alabama:
"Well y'know, some latte-drinkin' lawschool elite liberals might look at Nurglon, and all they see is a 150-foot-tall tentacular creature... but us REAL Americans, plain folks, we see her for what she is: a pious, decent patriot who don't take no crap from our enemies... She's one of us, basically. And she's white."

William Worthingless III, investment banker, Utah:
"Nurglon will fix the economic system and make us all rich beyond our wildest dreams. I love you, Nurglon!"

Lula Boggs, Arkansas:
"Of course I can only vote for Nurglon. She's the only female candidate out there!"


Sean Inannity: Well, there you have it. How would you describe, on a personal level, your relationship with those who want to vote for you?

Nurglon: I AM THEIR GOD NOW.

S: Barack Obama's campaign has been pretty quiet about you. Is Obama scared of you?

N: [Unintelligible noise]

S: Would you accept a one-on-one debate with Obama before election day?

N: THE SHINING ONE MUST BE DEFEATED! HIS LIGHT BURNS OUR HUNDRED EYES!

S: So a debate is not in your schedule...
You may have heard some critics attack you for coming from another dimension in Alaska.
Now, the Justice Department has assured voters that your dimension legally speaking lies within U.S. territory.
How do you respond to critics who claim your citizenship isn't strictly legal?

N: IS TORTURE LEGAL? HA HA HA!

S: He, he... right. So you mean...

N: NATIONAL SECURITY TRUMPS ALL LAWS. AS A U.S. CITIZEN I MUST ASCEND TO THE HIGHEST OFFICE, SO THAT I MAY PROTECT THIS GREAT NATION AND ITS GREAT, TASTY CITIZENS.

S: You have described yourself as a small-town person...

N: I LOVE SMALL TOWNS. THEY ARE SO TENDER.

S: This year, a lot of issues are on the voters' minds: The economic crisis, the War, immigration policy... For starters, how would you describe your foreign policy experience?

N: ONCE I ATE ANOTHER COUNTRY. YOU CALL IT ATLANTIS.

S: I'll put a daring question and you can answer it any way you like.
If you were President, would you ever go to war with Russia?

N: IF RUSSIA REFUSES TO BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, THEN FIRE MUST CONSUME THIS PITIFUL PLANET, FOR THE SAKE OF OUR CHILDREN.

S: America's children?

N: MY FIVE MILLION ONES.

S: Is it true that you won a beauty contest in your home town?

N: MISS UNSPEAKABLE. TWICE.
S: Well, many have described you as a "hot" candidate... and I wouldn't argue with that...

N: WHY SEAN, YOU SMOOTHIE, YOU.

S: He, he... Now, the economy. Do you support the bailout plan and giving extraordinary powers to the Treasury?

N: NO. ALL POWER SHALL BE MINE.

S: And how do you propose solving the financial crisis?

N: THE DOLLAR SHALL BE REPLACED WITH A NEW CURRENCY, THE VALUE OF WHICH IS SET BY AN ABSOLUTE STANDARD.

S: And what standard is that?

N: BLOOD.

S: Where do you stand on Mexican immigration?

N: THE SOUTHERN BORDER MUST BE SEALED.

S: Why?

N: MEXICAN ANCESTORS, THE AZTECS, WORSHIPPED THE WRONG BLOOD-DRINKING GOD MANY CENTURIES AGO. THIS MAKES MEXICANS UNCLEAN IN THE EYES OF GREAT CTHULHU.

S: You want to seal the border? Seriously? How can the government afford that?

N: BY HIRING CHEAP MEXICAN LABOR TO BUILD AN ELECTRIFIED WALL ALONG THE ENTIRE BORDER.

S: What do you see in America's future, and your family's future?

N: MY FIVE MILLION YOUNG SHALL ALL GET GOVERNMENT JOBS. BUT THERE IS A SLIGHT PROBLEM.

S: Which is?

N: FEDERAL BUILDINGS MUST BE REBUILT TO FIT MY CHILDREN'S BODIES.

S: You have shown yourself to be a very pro-family candidate. Of course, this means you oppose all forms of abortion?

N: NOT ONE OF MY COUNTLESS EGGS MUST GO TO WASTE.

S: And same-sex marriage?

N: I HAVE GIVEN THIS A GREAT DEAL OF THOUGHT... AND DECIDED THAT I CANNOT MARRY MYSELF.

S: Are you still a single mom, then?

N: NO. I HAVE RECENTLY MARRIED THE G.O.P. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.

S: You have promised to abolish taxes. Can you keep such a promise?

N: TAXES SHALL BE REPLACED WITH BLOOD SACRIFICE TO GREAT CTHULHU.

S: A strong message from a strong conservative candidate.
Finally, would you like to say something to our viewers?

N: FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN, FOR NATIONAL SECURITY, FOR STRONG LEADERSHIP, FAMILY VALUES AND FAITH... BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON!!

S: Thank you very much, Nurglon.

N: THANK YOU, SEAN.
----------------------------
More NURGLON election merchandise can be found in the 2008 Election Rejection Shop.

-------------
Put this button on YOUR site to show your support for Nurglon:

----------
Related posts:
Nurglons Slams Obama...
Nurglon Denies...

NURGLON In 2008!

Who's the folksiest candidate with the mostest family values? Who rejects the high-falutin' elite?

Why, it's NURGLON (r) !

* Nurglon has mothered 5 million offspring (and counting), and completely opposes abortion of any of its eggs. No candidate is more pro-life than Nurglon!

* Nurglon is a plain-speakin' entity from the north (where it entered our dimension) and believes in strong leadership to defend its chosen territory from competing life forms.

So vote NURGLON (r) in 2008! Yes, we should!

P.S.: And remember, you can be sure this candidate ain't black (Nurglon is white with purple spots) or Muslim (Nurglon worships Great Cthulhu).

More NURGLON election merchandise can be found in the 2008 Election Rejection Shop.

-------------
Put this button on YOUR site to show your support for Nurglon:
UPDATE (Sept.23): The World Exclusive interview with Nurglon can be found HERE.
----------
Related posts:
Nurglon Speaks...
Nurglons Slams Obama...
Nurglon Denies...

Adam Kirsch On James Frey And "Reality Instructor" Writers

James Kirsch's review of James Frey's novel BRIGHT SHINY MORNING makes a very good point about "Reality Instructors": when an author has a shallow and crude "vision" of the world but tries to peddle it as "The Truth."

Choice quote:
------------------
Only those writers willing to be humbled by the real are able to capture it for literature. Writers who must always be seen to dominate reality, on the other hand, can never grasp it. Their need to appear wised-up means that they can only allow themselves to write in ways that the world already recognizes as realistic -- that is, in cliches.
-----------------

Read the rest.

So you want to "tell it like it is," give the reader "gritty reality"... guess what, reality isn't always gritty, and no one has all the answers just because he says so. Don't try too hard to "talk tough".

Having said that, there are writers who write "tough" and talk "tough"... and sell to legions of readers who want to be "tough".
But, fans of "tough guy" literature... beware! Writers are liars. That wartime experience they're trying to impress you with might be fake or exaggerated. There are plenty of writers who only pretend to "keep it real" and invent "tough" life experiences.

Whenever a writer makes a point of being photographed in uniform or wearing medals, or talks at length about his/her "tough upbringing" I immediately get suspicious.

As for me? I am frequently baffled and puzzled by the world around me; I have no final answers to share. And as for the work of writing... it's about as macho as painting porcelain. I write in order to explore reality, not to give some "final explanation" of it.

An Apology

Right now, a large number of men are demanding the death of a schoolteacher... for the sake of a teddybear's name.
(Incidentally, several of these self-righteous men are bound to have the exact same name as said teddybear, but hey -- let's not demand that they behead themselves in the name of consistency.)

You angry men... this is for you:
-----------------------

A.R.Yngve

AN APOLOGY.


Dear angry street person,
you who are so busy burning flags
and effigies
waving your banners and placards
shouting your death threats
with such vigor
demanding apologies
for all the wrongs committed against you:
This is an apology.

We apologize
for being billions of people
around the world
who don't care
about what you say.

We apologize
for the billions of people
who lived before you were born
who cared even less
for what you say.

We apologize
for those not yet born
and not yet counted
who will without doubt offend you
in some way.

We apologize
on behalf of the countless thinking life forms
in the known universe
who won't care
to apologize to you
and who have the gall
to be ignorant
of your existence.

We beg forgiveness
for all the fictional characters
and drawings
and motion pictures
and mere thoughts
that offend you.

Let us also not forget
to apologize
for all the insulting things
that may be said
or pictured
or imagined
from now on
and billions of years
into the future.

We apologize
for being afraid
of your threatening demeanor
and for fearing your intolerant friends
who kill us.
We apologize
for being so rude
that we wish to live our lives
without constantly being told
that we should obey your commands.

We apologize
for believing in democracy
and freedom of speech
and equal rights for women
and freedom of mind.

We apologize
for our love of reason
and consistency
and logic
and common sense
and our aversion to killing people
for disagreeing with us.

We apologize
for all our belief systems
and philosophies
that are not as perfect as yours.

We apologize
for not much caring
about an afterlife
and for our selfish need
to improve living standards
in the here and now.

Humbly we apologize
for your birth.
Oh, what insult
that someone as divinely guided as yourself
was squeezed out between your mother's thighs
and born screaming in blood and pain,
like any other human being!
Someone as perfect as you
should have simply descended from the heavens.

How can we ever apologize enough
for the excrement
that insults your righteous behind
and dares to offend your nose
with its foul stench?
Your waste should have smelled of roses.

We apologize for the universe
and its reckless indifference
to your sacred convictions.
So many stars, so many planets
so many galaxies
are formed, and live, and die
without a care
for your hurt feelings!
We deeply, sincerely apologize
for the totality of existence
which has offended you
by not apologizing.

And finally we,
these billions of human beings
who so offend you
with our existence
apologize in advance
for the distant chance
that someday our patience
might run out.
And should that ever happen
then please tell God
that we're sorry.
-------------------------

(c)A.R.Yngve 2006. This is a work of fiction. Its intent is satirical.

On Consumer Identity And Reader Identity

Seth Godin tells an anecdote, and concludes that: "So many of the products and services we use are now about our identity. "

It struck me, reading Godin's blogpost, that some readers use books as a part of their identity. (Especially "genre fans," but perhaps not only them.)

Of course, from his marketing-guru point-of-view, this is something to use and exploit to sell stuff. But that's where we part ways.

I like to read the fiction of American author Philip K. Dick. (Ah, so that's why some call me a "dick." ;-)) Does this make his works a defining part of my identity? How far could that "identity" go?

- Dressing up as favorite characters from Dick's novels at costume parties and events?

- Writing "fan fiction" featuring characters and settings from his works?

- Going to special conventions for Philip K. Dick fans?

- Camping in ticket lines for NEXT (another movie based on Dick's stories)?

- Start believing that the author's stories are reality?

Naah! Why bother? What was it Chuck Palahniuk wrote in FIGHT CLUB?

"You are not your job. You are not how much you have in the bank. You are not the contents of your wallet. You are not your khakis."

It happens that people use their favorite books (such as a "holy book", or The Lord Of The Rings, or Ender's Game) to support their sense of self at volatile, vulnerable times in their lives.

And as long as they don't get overly fanatical about it, I suppose it won't harm them. But: You are not your favorite book/TV show/movie series. You are not fantasy. You are not sci-fi. You are not romance. You are not detective fiction. You are not horror. You are not mainstream lit. (You are not Tyler Durden.) Read something different once in a while.

That goes for writers too. You are not your favorite writer. You are not a genre. (You are not Chuck Palahniuk.) Don't trap your creativity for the sake of a narrowly defined "writer identity."

Buying or reading my books to express your identity probably doesn't work very well.
(By the way, I look forward to whether J.K. Rowling will try and write something completely different after her "Harry Potter" novels. What will she think of next? Isn't it more fun when you don't know in advance?)

Dave Langford On "Thog's Masterclass"

British writer and humorist Dave Langford invented "Thog's Masterclass" as an ongoing showcase of (unintentionally) hilarious prose quotes from science fiction and fantasy books.

Normally a standing feature of Langford's SF newsletter/webzine ANSIBLE, "Thog's Masterclass " has also been presented in his SFX Magazine column, and as live presentations at several SF/Fantasy conventions.

This page contains a text transcript of the live presentation of Thog's Masterclass.

The fascinating thing about these snippets of comically inept fiction-writing is that they are lifted from printed novels released by major publishers, even written by world-famous authors. As Langford puts it, "Every author, even Terry Pratchett, gives hostages to Thog."

No Big Name is spared in quotes such as these:
-----------------------------------
- Robert Heinlein sensitively describes a kiss from the female viewpoint in The Number of the Beast: 'Our teeth grated, and my nipples went spung!'

- Isaac Asimov in 'Satisfaction Guaranteed': 'She looked away, then let him slide gently into the corner of her eye.'

- Brian Aldiss demonstrates his knowledge of arcane geography in Remembrance Day: 'She wore large bronze earrings made in an obscure country which rattled when she laughed.'
-----------------------------------

Is there a lesson to be learned here? Well, apart from Nobody's Perfect So Get Over It, I'm not sure... ;)

Marshall McLuhan's "The Medium Is the Massage" (YouTube)

In order to understand (or meditate on) how writing (and other technology) affects our thinking, you MUST hear Marshall McLuhan's "The Medium Is the Massage" (YouTube):

The Medium Is the Massage, Part 1.1.
Part 1.2.
Part 1.3.
Part 2.1.
Part 2.2.
Part 2.3.

Choice quote:
"The artist: the Enema of Society."

Ny Skräck På Svenska: Antologin SCHAKT 004

Min novell "The Man Who Fell Out" kommer ut på svenska i antologin SCHAKT 004: KRÄLANDE CTHULHU och andra bedrägliga blindskär.





FÖRHANDSBESTÄLL SCHAKT 004 SENAST 31 MARS!

Det kommer inte att tryckas några ytterligare exemplar av Schakt så enda möjligheten att köpa är att abonnera, förhandsbeställa eller att köpa lösnummer hos SF-Bokhandeln.

Graham Sleight On Alfred Bester's Two Classic Novels

In LOCUS Magazine, Graham Sleight discusses Alfred Bester's two landmark novels THE DEMOLISHED MAN and THE STARS MY DESTINATION, their content, and their impact on the science fiction field:

Yesterday's Tomorrows: Alfred Bester

Required reading! (I still count those two novels among my SF favorites.)

Traducción al español: "CONVERSACIONES TELEFÓNICAS"

The Argentinian webzine AXXON has published a Spanish translation of my satirical short "Telephone Conversations."
This means "Telephone Conversations" has now appeared in English, Swedish, Chinese and Spanish -- my most translated story so far. Genial!

Dumskalle!

Den nya svenska bloggen Sajberspejs har publicerat min (mycket) korta novell "Dumskalle!"

TRANSLATION: Hurdi gurdi murdi Cyberspace Hardi murdi gurdi sturdi "Dummkopf!"

James Nicoll: "Readers are not owed anything by the writer"

When you're blogging, the comments to a post are what make it interesting.

Such as this blogpost by author James Nicoll: "What Readers Are Not Owed By Writers".

Now, Nicoll is expressing frustration with how the writer-reader relationship can go sour, when a reader becomes increasingly demanding.

Do I expect readers to treat me with awe, to scrape and bow before me and offer nothing but praise? Nah. It'd get boring. All I ask for is the Golden Rule: Treat me as you would like me to treat you.

But it seems people get confused about the author-reader relationship. It is not as simplistic as this:

Author=Producer
Reader=Customer

But then again, it's not really like this either:

Author=The Waiter
Reader=The Customer (Is Always Right)

Or like this:

Author=Soul Mate
Reader=Soul Mate

Some (deluded) persons see it like this:

Author=Evil Overlord Oppressor Who Claims "Copyright" Of Characters & Story
Reader=Loving Fan Who Writes Erotic Fanfiction With Author's Characters, And What's Wrong With That?

Or like this:

Author=God-Like Creator Of Immortal Art
Reader=Author's Slave

Not to sound overly cynical, but apparently nothing sours the author-reader relation like success. The more books a writer sells, the more readers start to think the author "owes" them something or other.

Alix Amnamáre puts it this way:

"I think all this can be boiled down to one thing: readers are not owed the fulfillment of their expectations. That is, readers can expect whatever they want, but if those expectations are not fulfilled, they cannot place the blame on the writer."

Author S.L. Viehl weighs in; much commentry ensues.

(See also my post on how critics expect things and get disappointed when expectations are not met.)

Robert Silverberg's "When We Went To See The End Of The World" (Podcast)

A treat: an audio reading of Robert Silverberg's short story "When We Went To See The End Of The World" (Note: large MP3 file).

Other such sci-fi podcasts are available at escapepod.org

New review of THE FACE IN THE DOOR

Canadian writer and columnist Clayton Bye has posted a very nice review of my short-story collection THE FACE IN THE DOOR And Other Stories...

Review quote:
"All the pieces have some element of horror, but I also found Yngve writes with a sort of tongue-in-cheek, understated sense of humour. This takes the edge off endings which rarely turn out well and also allows the readers some breathing room to think about the ideas we're being offered."

Bye's review appears on the Gotta Write Network, one of the few sites I know that actually reviews Print-On-Demand books. My book was published as an e-book and then also self-published in paperback format through CafePress, so it's hard to classify as either category -- but he received a paperback review copy.

The CafePress edition of THE FACE IN THE DOOR is still for sale at CafePress, at the outrageous price of $19.99. The text is in large print, suitable for nearsighted readers (like me).

On Writer Feuds

Writers are not necessarily friendly with other writers all the time. What with the competition for sales and prizes, some good-natured professional rivalry is to be expected.

If you write fiction for an extended period of time (up to a decade or more), it is almost certain that at some point in the future, some other writer will pick a fight with you. Not a REAL fistfight, that is, but with words.

So writers get into feuds with each other. The examples are many, all of them embarrassing. Why squabble when the stakes are so small? Why do great minds succumb to petty impulses and get involved in long, bitter feuds -- often over tablescraps?

When things go really wrong, writers sue each other. The authors of HOLY BLOOD, HOLY GRAIL sued Dan Brown for allegedly stealing ideas from them. The poor fools lost the case and a great deal of the profits they had earned as a direct consequence of THE DA VINCI CODE helping sales of their book.

Writer feuds are mainly about pride, not money -- and thus they extend beyond the grave! When a writer dies, especially a successful one, jealous rivals will come out and badmouth his/her memory. When a long-dead writer receives some public honor, a jealous colleague will dish out some dirt on the dead rival, in the vain hope that it tarnishes the glory.

There is no law stating that you must treat all other writers' work with reverence, no matter what -- after all, if you make your writings public, you do give others license to criticize.

But avoid feuds. They get too personal, and suck creative energy out of your life that should have been used for better things. If another writer tries to pick a fight with you, simply ignore him. Don't get mad! It's not worth it.

If you have resentments and grudges, you can always channel them into your fiction...
;-)

Homepage Update, Dec. 3, 2006

The homepage update this weekend contains:

- Chapter 15 of the satirical serial A.R.Yngve's READING BOOK.

-Chapter 10 of the sci-fi spoof "The MSTing Of DARC AGES".

Enjoy... :)

How To Approach Publishers.

Again and again the question comes up: "I have a manuscript. How do I send it, with a letter to the editor, so that the publisher will actually read it?"

Others can give more extended advice than I, but it's really quite simple.

Try and imagine yourself in an editor's place, receiving a manuscript from an unknown writer. Then use your common sense:

"If I were the editor,what kind of manuscript submission and accompanying letter would make me want to read the manuscript?"

Yes, you need to know the formalities (correct line spacing on a document, begin your letter with "Dear Mr/Mrs." instead of "Yo", locate the correct address of the editor you wish to contact, etc.)... but more than that, you need proper attitude.

1. Be polite. It won't kill you, and it certainly won't kill the editor.

2. Be honest. If you haven't finished writing your book, then you shouldn't send three chapters to a publisher and pretend the rest is already finished. Don't try to be something you're not. They Will Find Out.

3. Be aware of the competition. The bigger the publishing house is, the more manuscripts will flood it every day of the week, every year.
Think of it as the competition among astronauts in training: the seats on a spaceship are SO few, the candidates are SO dedicated, SO 100% focused on success, the odds are naturally stacked against you.

In other words, it doesn't help to write a desperate plea: "Pl-pl-pl-PLEEEASE publish my book! I'll do anything!!" Prepare to be rejected... but don't let that make you cynical, either: "I'm sending you this manuscript even though I know you'll reject it, you money-grubbing bastards."

4. Do your research. There's no point in me listing all known publishers here; the publishing landscape is shifting fast. Make a Web-search. Find the small-press houses that operate in your area/country. (If they haven't at least got a webpage, they're not worth writing to.)

5. Be a cheapskate. Publishers are mostly a conservative bunch. They may demand that you send a printed, double-spaced manuscript, and a stamped return envelope... which means postage and paper expenses for you.

DON'T DO IT. Ignore those publishers until they have learned to accept electronic submissions.

6. Be lucky. I hate to admit it, but there is an element of blind chance. No matter how good you are, there are too many unforeseen circumstances and whims of publishers (not to mention all that competition).

Some people say that the bookstore market is glutted with too many titles anyway. This may or may not be true (at least for Western markets). Are you sure you want to contact a publisher?

7. Fail, then try again. So what if you were rejected? Find another publisher, and try again. If you're not a patient soul, this business may not be for you.

Helpful How-To Articles About The Writing Craft

Writer Sherry Wilson has written and gathered a collection of how-to articles on the fiction-writing craft.
Go HERE to find them.
The articles offer solid, no-nonsense advice about "craft issues such as point of view, story structure, character development, grammar and syntax, etc."

Use them!

Support Your Local Library!

Libraries are a great benefit to writers everywhere.

Way back in the mists of pre-Internet history, libraries were the just about the ONLY places you could locate books that were no longer for sale.

Today, when people can download or order practically any book online, physical("meatspace") libraries are still an asset to writers. The library is often where people first come in contact with books - a loyal following of readers might be born there - and each library copy is read several times by different people.

Librarians can spread good (or bad) word-of-mouth about books, invaluable to writers. So support your local library!

If you have just released your first novel, you should donate a copy of it to your neighborhood library.

Ask your library if they are interested in arranging a meet-the-readers session, where you can get the opportunity to read from your novel/book and generate PR.

But be polite! You must never cross a librarian, or THIS might happen to you...
;-)

Shout-Out: Buy Weird Al's new album STRAIGHT OUTTA LYNWOOD

Yo-hoo! I just got my copy of Weird Al Yankowicz' new album, Straight Outta Lynwood.

Buy it! Buy it! Even if you've heard several of the songs on YouTube - support Al! It's a Dual-Disc release with DVD and videos on the other side.

Among the many tracks on this CD/DVD is the unforgettable "Don't Download This Song" (animated video by Bill Plympton).

Buy it, or Earth is DOOMED!
DOOMED, I say!


DOOMED, in case you didn't hear me the last time!

Starting Your Xmas Shopping Early?

Can't come up with an original Xmas present?

Visit the SHOP on my homepage, and see what you'll find.
We've got prints, posters, books, t-shirts, mugs and more.
How about this framed art print I made myself?

The Magic Key To The Publishing Kingdom: Revealed!

It's so simple. Writing, publishing and selling books is all about location, location, location.

Think about the last time you were traveling by bus, train or airplane. You wander into a tiny airport bookshop or newsagent's shop, and pick some reading material from the rack/shelf -- quickly. Lots of people do.

Or think about the last time you "wandered" into Amazon.com and got lost among the infinite shelves. It's a different shopping experience entirely.

At the airport, you have limited choice and time, so you MUST decide fast or spend the journey with nothing to read.

If online bookstores are like vast caverns you can go spelunking in for days, then airport bookshops are more like disarming a ticking bomb in a moving elevator: "Pick the blue book! No, the red book! Hurry! We're almost there!"

So from a writer or publisher's standpoint, you want to get into those "bottleneck" locations where the potential reader won't have too much choice or time to think.

Problem is, the well-known commuter bottlenecks are expensive locations and pretty much occupied already (by Stephen King, Danielle Steel and the usual suspects).

There must be some other, unexploited "bottlenecks" where potential readers are simultaneously bored, stressed and frustrated, and are about to enter a period of forced passivity -- similar to when they are waiting to catch a plane or a train ride... and would buy a book if they had a limited selection.

I can't come up with one, but maybe you can...

Jon Stewart Explains "The Question Mark" Trick

Now, this is not only a hilarious clip from the Daily Show with Jon Stewart... it also points out a figure of speech that writers must avoid.

If "phrasing a statement like a question to cover your ass" is a stupid trick on FOX News or CNN, then it's also a stupid trick in fiction:

"Was Blast Hardcheese a fifth column for the Thesaurians?"

"Had the whole sequence of events been masterminded by Aunt Petunia's poodle?"

"When she cried 'No, no' did she really mean 'Yes, yes'?"

Just. Don't. Write. Rhetorical. Questions. You don't want to sound like a talking head on TV.

Homepage Update

This week, my homepage has been updated with Chapter 8 of the serialized spoof The MSTing Of DARC AGES.

Die, Cliché, Die!!

SCENES I'D LIKE TO SEE, #1:

Rock Hardpunch pulled away the bomb casing and saw a mass of wires nestled around the countdown timer. The time to planetary self-destruct was below 60 seconds.

In Rock's earpiece, Hack Sydekick said in his most nasal, urgent voice: "Rock, you must cut the red wire! Find the red wire and cut only that one! Or the whole planet blows up!"

Rock reached for his multi-purpose knife, when suddenly it dawned on him...

Oh crap, he thought, I'm colorblind.
----------------------------

Read the free issue #4 of SUBTERRANEAN Magazine. The free issue is dedicated -- in stories and essays -- to the subject of Clichés in science-fiction and fantasy.

In her in-magazine essay "Remarks On Some Clichés I Have Known Too Well," Teresa Nielsen Hayden writes:
--------------------
"Here's a cliché I can reduce to a rule: when a character is a member of a minority social group and was raised in that group's indigenous mystical tradition, but then went on to receive advanced training and have a highly successful career in mainstream science or technology, the conflict at the climax of the story will not be resolved until they abandon all that scientific training and call up on the power of their tribal spirituality.

"(If I were a literarily ambitious member of the First Nations, I'd be tempted to write a story about a white nuclear engineer who can't get an incipient reactor containment incident under control until he downs tools and calls on Saint Anthony of Padua.)"
-------------------------
Use the Force, Oppenheimer. ;-)

I've been guilty of a few cringeworthy clichés in the past (as proven here), but I try to be more careful nowadays. I pledge:

1. To never write a story about someone getting Three Wishes;

2. To never cop out with the "It Was Only A Dream" ending;

3. To never never EVER write a story with the "Adam & Eve" twist (two characters discover they are Adam and Eve, on Earth or some other world).

But why bother...? This isn't going to deter hordes of writer wannabes from thinking, "I can come up with a NEW twist on the Adam & Eve story!"

Your problem, young whippersnappers, isn't that it's 100% impossible to come up with a fresh take on the hoariest old clichés.

Your problem is that hordes -- real, living, slobbering HORDES -- of newbie writers will think exactly as you do:
"I am unique! I have come up with an entirely new version of the Adam & Eve twist!"
And then they send the exact same story to the overworked Editor, who rejects them all. The End.

"Physical Terror" In Small-Press Anthology SCHAKT 003

News for Swedes: The Swedish small-press horror anthology SCHAKT 003: KOSMISKT KAOS OCH ANDRA KATASTROFER is out now.

It contains my short story "Physical Terror" (previously released in English, in the e-book The Face In The Door), and several other horror shorts by Swedish writers. Guaranteed to scare you silly! It's a limited edition, so order now!