Nick Mamatas Gives Advice To Newbie Writers

Choice quote from Nick's blog:
----------------------
Actually, after the moment when one has eliminated all the usual tyro errors—POV shifts at inappropriate moments, tantalizing the reader from the beginning, keeping unusual dialogue tags to a minimum—about 90% of the battle for a writer is to eliminate the need for external validation.

Of course, plenty of writers, some even quite good, remain desperately hungry for external validation, but sooner rather than later they either burn out or end up with a bunch of material they ultimately regret writing or that goes OP forever when some fad passes.
----------------------

Nurglon(r) Demands Ban On All Non-Cthulhu Worshippers Near "Ground Zero"

POX News, Aug.10, 2010: Nurglon(r), the hundred-eyed, many-armed Thing From Beyond which emerged in Alaska and ran for President in the 2008 elections, currently the leader of the Rage Party (formerly the Republican Party), has finally made a public statement on the "Cordoba Center" controversy.

Since leading Rage Party members began a campaign against the construction of a mosque two blocks from the site of the former World Trade Center, Nurglon has been strangely silent on the issue.

This prompted talk radio host and Rage Party leadership contender Rash Limburger to recently claim that "Nurglon is soft on terrorism." Limburger has since disappeared, and Rage Party spokesperson Dick Flack claims that "Nurglon did not eat Limburger, honestly, cheese gives her gases".

But today, Nurglon broke her/its silence and made a lengthy official statement to the media:

Nurglon: THE CORDOBA CENTER MUST BE STOPPED, AND SO MUST ALL UN-AMERICAN PLACES OF WORSHIP NEAR THE SACRED, HOLY, SUPERGOSHDARNAMERICAN PLACE CALLED "GROUND ZERO".

AS YOU KNOW, ONLY AMERICANS WERE KILLED IN THE WORLD TRADE CENTER ATTACKS OF 9/11... PURE, WHITEBREAD, APPLE PIE-EATING, GOD-FEARING AMERICANS. NO SWARTHY, BEARDED HEATHENS EVER SOILED THE PURE, ETHEREAL SPIRES OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER.

SO, IN ORDER TO SHOW PROPER GOSHDARN RESPECT FOR THE SACRED GROUND ZERO, WE MUST BAN ALL HEATHEN WORSHIPPERS AROUND IT, AND ON THE ENTIRE ISLAND OF MANHATTAN.


POX News: Do you mean Muslims, Nurglon?

N: I MEAN ALL WHO DO NOT BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP GREAT CTHULHU... AND CTHULHU'S MISTRESS... LITTLE OLD ME!

THEN, WHEN ALL THOSE WHO LIVE AROUND THE SACRED GROUND ZERO BOW DOWN BEFORE THEIR ONE AND TRUE MASTER, THEN AND ONLY THEN CAN THE WORLD BE CLEANSED IN RIVERS OF BLO... I MEAN, ONLY THEN THE TRUE, WHITE, APPLE PIE-EATING AMERICANS CAN LIVE SAFE AND SECURE, DARN IT.

Nurglon then paraded before the media her/its adorable 50-armed offspring H'Thffluh, before leaving.

Do Fiction Writers Have Moral Duties?

I ask you: Do fiction writers have moral duties?

1. Ah, but whose morals?
- A problem arises, in my view, when the most reactionary reader/critic/person demands that only his morals should be applied to literature. That is how we get absurd censorship cases where prissy people try to remove Shakespeare or Mark Twain from public libraries.

2. And duties to whom? 
- To the person who actually reads the work? Or to every potential reader?
The second demand is sometimes made in the real world, but it is an absurd one. You cannot tailor every story to suit every 4-year-old reader who might come across it.
(Picture, if you can, a nightmare world where all the classics of literature have been rewritten for small children and that's all there is.)
People choose what to read. With choice comes the freedom not to read.

3. And shouldn't readers share the responsibility for how books are read and used?
Readers read, and they interpret the text (despite what fundamentalists will tell you, there is more than one way to read the meaning of a story)... so if writers are responsible for their words, then readers are responsible too.

I feel that I have some moral duties as a fiction writer. But I only have my conscience to guide me in this area.
My conscience tells me:
- Do not glorify evil
- Be honest
- Try to rise about primitive thinking and willful ignorance
- Avoid rigid dogma or fanaticism - people are more important than ideas
- Do not suck up to power

But you may think, why should writers worry about these things? Are stories really that much of a big deal?

Oh yes. The surest way -- perhaps the only way -- to get into a person's mind is to tell her a story. When writing was new, it frightened people: they saw its power to influence the minds of others, how it could move one person's thoughts into another person's head.
Since we take writing for granted now, we may have lost that insight.

A folk singer put the slogan "This Machine Kills Fascists" on his guitar. I might as well put a slogan on my PC or notepad: "This Machine Goes Straight Into Your Brain."

Nurglon Proposes Sending "Hate Boat" Convoy To Palestine, Israel

POX News, June 04, 2010:

The resident Rage Party leader and Folksy Thing From Beyond, Nurglon (r) responded today to the aftermath of the "Ship To Gaza" shootings, in a statement to POX News:

Nurglon: I CONDEMN THE USE OF DEADLY FORCE AGAINST THE AID CONVOY -- THE FORCE WAS WAS NOT DEADLY ENOUGH! THERE WERE SURVIVORS! I WOULD HAVE USED A TACTICAL NUKE. BECAUSE, GOSH! I'M A MAVERICK!

POX News: Will the tragic incident lead to any sort of change in the current stalemate between Israel and the Palestinians?

N: GOLLY, NO! SO WHAT IS NEEDED IS ANOTHER AID CONVOY TO BOTH GAZA AND ISRAEL. A HATE BOAT! I WILL PERSONALLY GATHER THE RESOURCES TO SEND MORE HATE TO BOTH PARTIES, AND SEAL THEIR MANIFEST DESTINY. YOU BETCHA!

P: What do you mean by their "manifest destiny", Nurglon?

N: TO DIE IN A CAULDRON OF NUCLEAR FIRE WHICH WILL GROW, AND GROW, AND CONSUME THIS PITIFUL PLANET. AIN'T POLITICS, LIKE, FUN? GOSH!

Nurglon then interrupted the interview, and paraded before the media her/its latest offspring -- the adorable thing called H'Thffluh, which was born with the severe handicap of only having 50 eyes.

NURGLON SLAMS PRESIDENT'S FINANCIAL REFORM BID, PRESENTS OWN SWEEPING REFORM PACKAGE

POX News, Washington, D.C., April 22:

POX News reporter Bill Hairdo has had a brief Q & A with Rage Party leader Nurglon, where she/it outlined a response to President Obama's finance reform bid:

Bill Hairdo: Nurglon, how do you react to worries that another big bank failure might cripple the economy, repeating history, if nothing is done about limiting the size of banks?

Nurglon: I AM AGAINST LIMITING THE SIZE OF ANYTHING! I MUST GROW, AND GROW, AND PRODUCE MORE OF MY SPAWN TO ENGULF THIS PITIFUL PLANET!

B: But how will that stance go down with small-town America?

N: SMALL-TOWN AMERICA WILL GO DOWN INSIDE ME! HA HA HA!

B: Critics accuse your party, the Repu... sorry, the Rage Party, of being in the pockets of the financial sector...

N: SO? WHAT IS WRONG WITH BLIND OBEDIENCE TO POWER? ALL-AMERICAN, PATRIOTIC, FAMILY-VALUES-FRIENDLY, GOD-FEARING, PRO-MILITARY POWER. GOSHDARN IT.

B: So your party will do nothing?

N: OF COURSE NOT! BY GOLLY! WE SHALL SEIZE POWER TO PUSH THROUGH OUR OWN FINANCIAL REFORM PACKAGE!

B: Tell us more.

N: FIRST, AS I'VE MENTIONED BEFORE, THE DOLLAR WILL BE REPLACED WITH THE CURRENCY OF BLOOD. SECOND, THE BIGGEST BANKS WILL BE GIVEN FREE REIGN TO TRADE AND SELL THE GREAT UNTAPPED AMERICAN RESOURCE.

B: Offshore oil?

N: THE POOR.

B: And by "the poor," you mean...

N: THE UNEMPLOYED! FOR STARTERS! THEN... WE'LL REDEFINE "POVERTY" ALONG A SLIDING SCALE.

B: Wait a minute... do you propose we reinstate slavery??

N: OF COURSE NOT! THAT WOULD BE WRONG! AMERICANS ARE TOO LAZY AND UNRELIABLE TO MAKE GOOD SLAVES! WE TRADE THEIR BLOOD AND ORGANS INSTEAD.

B: In your reform package, what about boosting trade exports, for instance to China?

N: WHEN I CLEANSE THE WORLD FROM TERROR WITH TORRENTS OF NUCLEAR FIRE, FOREIGN TRADE WILL CEASE TO BE AN ISSUE.

B: Wouldn't global war put a strain on the already strained U.S. budget?

N: ANYONE WHO TALKS ABOUT NUMBERS AND BUDGETS IS AN ELITIST SOCIALIST UN-AMERICAN SECRET MUSLIM WITH A FALSE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

B: Thank you, Nurglon.

N: BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, MISTRESS OF GREAT CTHULHU! YOU MAY KISS ONE OF MY TENTACLES.

Nurglon (r) Unveils New Midterm Campaign Poster

POX News, April 8:  
Nurglon (r), self-appointed new leader of the Rage Party (formerly the Republican Party), presented today her/its new campaign poster for the 2010 midterm elections:

The new slogans appear made to match Nurglon's endorsement of the Pope and are consistent with her/its previous stance on waterboarding and war.

When asked about the new slogan "MORE Nuclear Weapons," Nurglon responded to POX News:

Nurglon: THE SHINING ONE'S DISARMAMENT AGREEMENT WITH RUSSIA MUST BE REVERSED! SUCH UNPATRIOTIC SOCIALIST DEFEATISM IS UN-AMERICAN... AND WORSE, IT MOVES THIS PITIFUL PLANET ONE STEP AWAY FROM THE ANNIHILATION OF THIS WEAK, DESPICABLE HUMAN RACE.

POX News: Don't you think the goal of "annihilation of the human race" might alienate many voters?


N: NOT AT ALL! THE POPE HAS PROMISED MY GOD-FEARING VOTERS SALVATION ON JUDGMENT DAY! ALONG WITH EVERY SINGLE BISHOP AND PRIEST! HA HA HAAAA!

Nurglon Assumes Command of Republican Party, Changes Its Name To "Rage Party"

POX News,  March 23:
GOP National Campaign HQ, Washington, D.C. - During a conference signaling the start of the run-up to the 2010 Midterm Elections for the U.S. Congress, tentacled politician Nurglon (r) interrupted the GOP party chairman to make the following declaration:

Nurglon: THIS DITHERING HAS GONE ON FOR LONG ENOUGH. I HEREBY ASSUME FULL COMMAND OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. STEELE!! COME HERE, YOU.

Nurglon paused to devour a screaming Michael Steele (r), and continued:

N: I HEREBY DECREE! FROM NOW ON, THE ORGANIZATION FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE REPUBLICAN PARTY SHALL BE NAMED THE RAGE PARTY.

POX News correspondent Sarah Tannin: What's your party program, Nurglon?

N: PROGRAM? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' PROGRAM! THE RAGE PARTY SHALL HAVE ONE GOAL ONLY: DESTROY!! REPEAT AFTER ME: DESTROY!! SAY IT LOUD, I'M ANGRY AND PROUD!

Attendant party members, some waving Confederate flags and nooses, then joined Nurglon in a 5-minute "Destroy!" chanting session.

Several overexcited attendants were injured from biting each other.

Nurglon Endorses Pope

POX News, March 17: 
While retreating from Capitol Hill, stating that her/its movement away from the building was merely a "temporary realignment," hundred-eyed politician Nurglon (r) made some rare and frank comments on the recent scandals involving the Pope and other Catholic Church officials.

In this transcript of a hasty running Q & A between Nurglon and POX News correspondent Sarah Tannin, Nurglon explains her/its stance.

Sarah Tannin: Nurglon, what is your religion?

Nurglon: I WORSHIP GREAT CTHULHU. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, MISTRESS OF GREAT CTHULHU, LORD OF THE UNSPEAKABLE BEYOND!

ST: And what is your relationship to Earthbound religions like, say, Catholicism?

N: THOSE WHO DO NOT BOW DOWN TO THE ELDER GODS ARE ONLY FIT TO BE FOOD FOR MY SPAWN.

ST: So you don't approve of --

N: HOWEVER... I AM WILLING TO ALLOW THE VATICAN TO CO-EXIST WITH MY FAITH WHEN I AND MY SPAWN RULE THE EARTH.

ST: How come?

N: BECAUSE I LIKE YOUR POPE! HE'S SUCH A CHARMER! HIS EYES REMIND ME OF GREAT CTHULHU'S! HE AND HIS MINIONS SHARE MY GOAL, TO CRUSH THE SOULS OF YOUR OFFSPRING AND TEACH THEM UNQUESTIONING OBEDIENCE TO POWER!

ST: Now that's a little harsh --

N: I WOULD GLADLY LET POPE RATZINGER AND CARDINAL BRADY LIVE FOREVER AS UNDEAD HUSKS, ANIMATED ONLY BY MY TIMELESS MALEVOLENCE, IF IT WOULD HELP ME CRUSH THE SOULS OF ALL YOUR WEAK, PITIFUL CHILDREN!

ST: Jesus...

N: NO! DO NOT UTTER THE NAME OF THE BURNING LIGHT!

ST: What do you mean? Jesus Christ...

N: YOU SAID IT AGAIN!

ST: What? Jesus?

N: STOP SAYING "JESUS"! GOSHDARN! I SAID IT!

The interview was interrupted as Nurglon began to spout smoke and fled the site. The Vatican has since refused to comment on Nurglon.

A cardinal who wishes to be anonymous said to POX News that "Nurglon is welcome to join our Holy Church, if she/it agrees to publicly condemn the evil of contraceptives".

Health Insurance Ex-Boss Admits To Signing Blood Pact With Nurglon In 1945

Washington D.C. (POX News): During the annual fundraiser gala Phyllis Schlaflitt Sings Hitler Jugend Evergreens For Charity, POX News correspondent Sarah Tannin made a surprise interview with Bernie Geldliebe, retired ex-CEO of the Iron Cross Health Insurance Corporation.

When asked about Nurglon's recent bid to seize control of Congress, and her/its challenge to President Obama, Mr. Geldliebe made the surprise admission that he had been familiar with Nurglon since the end of World War II.

"Frankly, I don't know why the old ball of pus hasn't gone public about it. She'll be in charge of things soon enough, so let's not beat about the bush any longer.

"My corporation was the first to sign a pact of allegiance with Nurglon back in '45. In blood, of course. Wanna see the tattoo of fidelity she drew on my back, with her own tongue?

"All the other health insurance cos were quick to follow -- but I was first, dammit. We swore to obey, to gain power in her name, to rid the land of the weak, and she'd help us ride this stinkin' country like a harp from hell. Damn, this is good vodka. Hey, is that thing on?"

Mr. Geldliebe then hastened to correct himself, but suddenly collapsed and turned into a puddle of putrid black goo before the eyes of the other guests. The puddle was rapidly taken away to Mr. Geldliebe's own private emergency ward in D.C., and his condition is reported as "undead but stable."

For more on the developing Nurglon situation, stay tuned with POX News.

------------------
Related stories:

- NURGLON IN 2008!
- Nurglon Rises From Grave

NURGLON For ALL Of Congress In 2010

NURGLON (r) today unveiled its first 2010 midterm election campaign poster:

Nurglon is running for all seats, as she/it will not accept compromise or negotiation -- and he/she, being 150 feet tall, needs all the space to fit inside the assembly.

Nurglon's campaign promises have been announced as the following:

- "NURGLONCARE": All unemployed shall be fed to Nurglon, thus ridding the nation of any who cannot afford private health insurance, and thus also solving the job crisis.

- FAMILY VALUES: The Many-Eyed Spawn of Nurglon, now counting roughly 100,000 surviving hatchlings, shall be incorporated into the U.S. federal government and replace its human members.

- PRO-TORTURE: Waterboarding shall be made mandatory for interrogating all suspects when they are taken away. Everyone is a potential suspect.

- MONETARY REFORM: Blood shall be the new currency, the value of which is absolute.

- WAR: Nurglon shall cleanse the earth from terror with torrents of fire and suffering. The survivors (if any) shall be safe to fight in the next war.

- FAITH: All must bow down and worship Nurglon, Mistress of Great Cthulhu.

In related news, talk radio host Rash Limburger has accused Nurglon of being "soft on terrorism" and a "Republican in Name Only."

BREAKING NEWS: Nurglon Rises From Grave, Takes U.S. Government Hostage, Spits In President's Face, Proposes Eating Nation's Unemployed

Nurglon (archive photo, 2008)

WASHINGTON, D.C. (POX News): Former Presidential candidate Nurglon (r), long believed to be dead, appeared in the nation's capital and slithered into the Capitol building. Democratic Congressmen fled the site in panic, while scores of Republican politicians and staff bowed down in worship, chanting Nurglon's name.

Once seated across the entire Democratic segment of Congress, Nurglon promptly declared herself/itself the "de facto U.S. Government" and made the following proclamation on C-SPAN:

Nurglon (r): THERE IS NO HEALTH CARE REFORM BECAUSE THE WEAK ARE NOT FIT TO LIVE. I PROPOSE MY OWN REFORM TO SOLVE BOTH THE HEALTH CARE CRISIS AND THE JOB CRISIS IN ONE SWIFT MOVE.

I SHALL EAT ALL THE NATION'S UNEMPLOYED, AS THEY CANNOT AFFORD HEALTH CARE. PROBLEM SOLVED. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON YOUR GOD!

Nurglon received wild cheers from Republican Congressmen, who proceeded to chant "Eat the poor! Eat the poor!" for half an hour.

President Barack Obama (D) then appeared before the remaining half of Congress, and began to speak -- but was interrupted when a giant gob of spit hurled from Nurglon's maw knocked him off the speaker's pulpit. He was carried unconscious from the building but is reported to have suffered only a mild concussion.

When POX News' correspondent Sarah Tannin asked Nurglon why she/it no longer seemed afraid of the President, Nurglon explained:

HOW LITTLE PERSPECTIVE YOU PUNY HUMANS HAVE. THE SHINING ONE LOST FOR THE ONE REASON I HAVE KNOWN FOR DECADES: BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS TURNED FROM THE PARTY OF THE CONFEDERACY INTO THE PARTY OF THE WEAK.

AND IT IS THE FATE OF THE TOOTHLESS TO BE EATEN BY THE RUTHLESS. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP YOUR GOD AND PRESIDENT -- NURGLON!!

For more on the developing situation, stay tuned with POX News.

Meanwhile, Back In 2008, Nurglon Said...

Interviewed by POX News during her campaign back in late 2008, Nurglon(r) said....

Sean Inannity: [...]You may have heard some critics attack you for coming from another dimension in Alaska.Now, the Justice Department has assured voters that your dimension legally speaking lies within U.S. territory. 
How do you respond to critics who claim your citizenship isn't strictly legal?

Nurglon: IS TORTURE LEGAL? HA HA HA!

Well, thank the stars that Nurglon's dead and isn't coming back. Right?

Right......?

If You're Bitter About Writing, Then Quit

Through Nick Mamatas, I read this blogpost with a long quote from Lucius Shepard's novella "Dog-Eared Paperback of My Life".

Choice Quote:
-------------------
"[...] Of my many failings, the most galling was that I had wasted my gifts on genre fiction. I could have achieved much more, I believed, had I not gone for the easy money but, like Cradle Two, had been faithful to my muse.

Typically, I didn't count myself to blame but assigned blame to the editors and agents who had counseled me, to the marketers and bean counters who had delimited me, and to the people with whom I had surrounded myself—wives and girlfriends, my fans, my friends.

They had dragged me down to their level, seduced me into becoming a populist. [...]"
-------------------
Read the rest.

The complete passage isn't merely a fictional portrait of a fictional embittered writer (a commercially successful, one, mind you!). The entire text paints a portrait of writers who resent other writers and also hate themselves.

I've had different jobs. I can't say I enjoyed all of them equally, or had fun all the time (but who does? Is life supposed to be permanent bliss?).

So like any other work, the craft of writing has its ups and downs... as does the business of meeting readers and other writers. But does anyone in the world have the privilege to pick and choose which parts of the world they feel like interacting with? Hardly.

Reading the entire quote, I get the feel that Shepard is lampooning everybody including himself - writers and readers alike. Which is fine. (Even as I also thought, "Oh, cry me a river will you...")

But if I should encounter that bitter, self-pitying attitude in real life, without the irony or humor, I'd disapprove of it. Why should writers feel especially entitled to complaining about how they've wasted their lives and talents on doing inferior work for an audience of fools?

I believe in craft. I believe in the joy of doing a good job. I believe in self-expression. I believe that fiction and storytelling are as essential to human existence as breathing. I don't believe in bitterness; it's merely the bad side of human nature and shouldn't be elevated to "truth" or "honesty" because it isn't.

I once read an interview with Alistair MacLean, the bestselling thriller writer, where he claimed that he never wrote a good book, only junk.

Was he being sincerely self-hating, fishing for compliments, displaying false modesty, or just neurotic? I don't know and I don't care. But he did not make a good impression.

No matter what work you do, unless you're a slave and can't quit: If you're bitter about your job, then quit. If you're neurotic about writing, guess what: The world does not owe you therapy. So write, or don't write. It's up to you. There is no shame in doing other things for a living.

Kameron Hurley On Writers Getting "Branded"

Read Kameron Hurley's essay "Branded: The Good. The Bad. The Ugly."

Choice Quote:
"I think that as much as we like to pretend that what gets us ahead is our originality and creativity, writers – whether consciously or not – end up either being branded or branding themselves over the course of their careers."

Play BOOK REJECTION BINGO!!

Tearing your hair out at rejection slips that make little or no sense?
Save your hair!
Instead, play... BOOK REJECTION BINGO!!



Game board created by the eminent Kameron Hurley
(whose short story "The Women of Our Occupation" you must read.)

Kameron noted, on her blog:
"It was terribly fun to write up... lots of these are based on rejections of now-famous books."
Ouch, publishers. Ouch.

Stephen King's CARRIE Was Rejected HOW Many Times??

Gee, I didn't know that Stephen King's breakthrough novel was rejected 30 times.

Surely it must be part of a massive conspiracy to make big publishing houses seem like a bunch of clowns...?
(The same conspiracy that made so many unsuspecting big publishers make the apparently conscious decision to reject an apparently unsellable manuscript called HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE.)

Read the list of 14 bestsellers which were rejected many, many times. And don't give up.

(Thanks to Ashok Banker for the link suggestion.)

Must-Read Ashok Banker Interview

On the World SF News Blog, this must-read interview with the bestselling Indian author Ashok Banker.

Choice quotes:
"People sometimes assume that writers write and readers read to escape from reality; in my case, it was always the other way around. My home life was so surreal, so dark-fantastic, that I read and wrote to stay real. I was afraid I might vanish like a fading grin upon a tree branch, so I quickly carved my initials with a pocketknife."

"To be honest, I’ve all but given up on getting published anywhere outside India and have stopped trying. The system itself is designed in such a way that it’s become all about pleasing agents and editors, not about writers talking to readers directly."

I'm in awe of this guy.

Also check out Ashok Banker's website/blog. And buy one of his books, will you?

BBC Documentary About Philip K. Dick

Unmissable documentary about the life and fiction of Philip K. Dick; lots of SF authors appear in it (including the late Thomas M. Disch).

MAGIENS ARV ("Heirs To The Magic") Official Website Is OPEN!

On May 23, Norwegian state radio (NRK) starts broadcasting my fantasy series MAGIENS ARV ("Heirs to the Magic"). It is also available online:

The series' official website (in Norwegian) is now up and running, and you can download the first episode directly from the site.

MAGIENS ARV official website at NRK

Additional content will be added to the site later (i.e. further episodes in the series). Right now the site contains concept art, a map (all fantasy must have maps), character artwork and unlockable bonus material.

Oh, and there's a PC game too:
MAGIENS ARV - the game (with Norwegian text), for Windows PC

Radio Series MAGIENS ARV (a.k.a. "Heirs To The Magic")

It's official: The radio series I wrote for Norwegian state radio (NRK) starts broadcasting and webcasting on May 23, 2009.

MAGIENS ARV premieres on NRK

John Scalzi: "10 Things to Remember About Authors"

Acclaimed SF writer John Scalzi explains "10 Things to Remember About Authors".

Choice Quote:
"And no, being a fan of an author’s books or series doesn’t count as being actively involved in that author’s life. You are actively involved with his or her books; that’s not even close to the same thing. "

To be honest, the possibility (however microscopically slight) that one day, my books might become as popular as his, frightens me just a little bit.

Because "fans" can sometimes act like they "own" the writer and/or the writer's works and has the right to make demands, according to the Unspoken First Law of the Obsessed Fan:

"I love this, therefore it is mine."

I shouldn't have to tell you that this is the first step toward a dysfunctional relationship.
Try telling your spouse/significant other (in a suitably creepy voice), "I love you, you're mine, I OOWWN YOOUU..." and see how far that gets you.

I'd rather have Readers than Fans. A Reader has no need to make demands. A Reader enjoys a book, has no need for a never-ending book series. A Reader recognizes that a fictional character isn't his/her Secret Identity.

On the flip side, Readers feel no obligation to buy your next book just because they "have to." Which is fine with me. I can relax and write what I want, not the sequel that the Fans Have Demanded.

Binyavanga Wainaina: "How To Write About Africa"

By way of Nick Mamatas, this hilarious satire of the most tired, shopworn literary cliches about Africa:

Binyavanga Wainaina: "How To Write About Africa"

Choice quote (and I hope this upsets all the right people):
-----------------
Establish early on that your liberalism is impeccable, and mention near the beginning how much you love Africa, how you fell in love with the place and can’t live without her.

Africa is the only continent you can love — take advantage of this. If you are a man, thrust yourself into her warm virgin forests. If you are a woman, treat Africa as a man who wears a bush jacket and disappears off into the sunset. Africa is to be pitied, worshipped or dominated.

Whichever angle you take, be sure to leave the strong impression that without your intervention and your important book, Africa is doomed.
-----------------

Short Fiction by A.R.Yngve in Chinese magazine SF KING

(Updated Jan.7) Back in 2005, my short stories "See" and "Telephone Conversations were published in two Chinese science-fiction magazines.

The follow-up took me a while to accomplish, but... now in late 2008, the Chinese magazine SF KING has published another short story of mine.

Interior art for "Stupid!" by A.R.Yngve, in the November 2008 issue of SF KING.(*)

(And whaddya know... this ignorant Westerner can't read Chinese! Can you please help me translate what it says on the Contents Page?)
------------------

(* My wife thinks the character in the illustration looks suspiciously familiar... especially the big feet. I think the artist used a photo of me as a model, which would be a good in-joke... ;-) )

NURGLON DEAD FROM "INDIGESTION"; Offspring Migrates To North Korea

Snapshot of Nurglon (r) dissolving.

POX News, Oct.28:
Inbredburg, The Very Deep South: Nurglon (r) is dead.

According to witnesses in the town of Inbredburg, the 150-foot tall Presidential/Vice-Presidential candidate swallowed POX News' reporter Sean Inannity - and then rapidly started to dissolve into a reeking, pink, rotting mass, covering an area the size of the Astrodome.

Cleaning up the remains of Nurglon may take months, and the area is currently being sealed off by federal authorities as a bio hazard. A witness to her/its tragic demise was heard saying: "So not even Nurglon could stomach Sean Inannity."

The late talk-show host Sean Inannity, admired by millions of conservative TV viewers, is now being praised by colleagues.

"Sean would never let mere facts get in the way of truthiness," says fellow talk-show host Stu Colburp.

"Sean Inannity was the voice of the real America," says talk-show host Rash Limburger. "His face should be printed on all my little pill boxes, as a tribute."

Barack Obama has so far been unavailable for a comment.

In related news, Nurglon's five million offspring have since fled the country. Unconfirmed reports from Asia claim that the millions of fleeing mini-Nurglons are now storming the coast of North Korea.

Experts are in disagreement whether this would make living conditions in North Korea better or worse.

Nurglon Volunteer Admits Chopping Off Own Foot, Blaming "Socialists"

POX News, Oct.25: 19-year-old Bobbi Jo Sispak, college student and campaign volunteer for Nurglon (r), today admitted to giving false and misleading testimony the police.

Ms. Sispak had previously told the police that she was attacked by "Socialists" who chopped off her left foot and jammed it into her mouth, and then left her for dead.

However, when local police found the weapon - a chainsaw - covered with only her own bloody fingerprints, Ms. Sispak was questioned again. When confronted with the evidence, she broke down and admitted her deception. She had used the chainsaw to sever her left foot, then stuffed it in her mouth and pretended to be the victim of a gang of "Socialists."

Sispak failed to give a clear explanation of her motive, except that she "only wanted to serve Nurglon, mistress of Great Cthulhu and a true American hero."

POX News asked Bobbi Jo Sispak to clarify herself. She said: "Y'know... Socialists. Dark-skinned, vicious Socialists, always looking to mutilate white women."

The girl's father, noted Nurglon volunteer Joe-Bob Sispak, claims in a statement that the police had "waterboarded" his daughter to make her lie about the crime, and added:

"Us real Americans must avenge my baby girl for putting her foot in her mouth!"

Joe-Bob Sispak, campaign volunteer for Nurglon (r).

Angela Hoy: "The World's Worst Book Proposals"

Funny: The World's Worst Book Proposals.

Choice quote:
--------------------
FROM AN ACTUAL BOOK, which is already in production (published by another POD publisher, of course):

"Chapter 2: When Things Go Right
Chapter 3: When Things Go Warong"

--------------------
Warong indeed. Hoy's column is an ongoing feature, so be sure to click the links to previous hilarious installments.

Now, I'm all for encouraging people to try writing. But how about practicing writing just for fun and self-education, before you launch your professional writing career?

The saying goes, it takes ten years to become a skilled writer. (It took me slightly longer to get my first novel published.) I think people who fail either do not try hard enough, or get their goals confused.

You're allowed to write the way you want. But you're not entitled to get it published. To get published, certain formal requirements must be met:

1. The work must interest the publisher, i.e. not be too dull;
2. It must be up to professional standards of spelling, grammar and style;
3. It must be finished work.

Most people who fail at writing ignore one or several of the above. Don't be one of them.

1. Send only interesting work to the proper publisher(or agent);
2. Make sure all spelling and grammar is correct
(Yes, you can experiment a bit, but you gotta learn the rules before you break them, comprende?)
3. First and foremost, send finished work.

Nurglon's New Wardrobe May Bankrupt Economy, Say Analysts

Presidential/Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r), who usually does not wear clothes, has now taken to fashion.

In Inbredburg, Nurglon supporters cheered on their candidate as she/it showcased its/her first complete red dress.

But Nurglon's new style may come at a high cost to the U.S. economy, warn financial analysts. Many of them are afraid to criticize Nurglon openly.

"It's not just a question of running out of campaign funds," says a source who wishes to remain anonymous. "The Republican Party has taken huge short-term loans to pay for Nurglon's dresses, and staked everything on her winning the election. If she doesn't win and can't create bailout packages to cover the debts, the GOP goes bankrupt."

"And none of the money paid for these gigantic garments goes back into the U.S. economy. Thousands of Chinese textile workers are employed to make them. India exports 5% of the fabrics it produces to America for Nurglon clothing alone."

"This textile and clothing bubble has been growing way too fast, and could burst on Election Day."

Nurglon Declares 30% Of America "Un-America", Calls For Purge

In a recent blitz of open-air rallies across rural America, Presidential/Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r) has launched the concept of "Un-America."

At Nurglon's most recent small-town appearance in Rottenville, a POX News' reporter heard the following speech:

Nurglon: THIS! IS! AMERICA!!

(Crowd cheers)

N: ON THE COASTLINES, IN THE BIG CITIES, LIES... UN-AMERICA! CITIES THAT ARE ELITIST, HARD-HEARTED... AND HARD TO CHEW!

(Crowd boos)

N: WHEN I AM ELECTED PRESIDENT, I SHALL ORDER MY FIVE MILLION YOUNG TO EAT UN-AMERICA! WITH A SIDE ORDER OF SOCIALISM!

(Crowd gives standing ovation)

N: AND THEN THIS GREAT NATION SHALL BE PERFECT AGAIN, FOLKS! YOU BETCHA!

In related news: after the abovementioned rally, central Rottenville was burned down by overzealous Nurglon supporters while they tried to ignite an effigy of Barack Obama. According to witnesses, the effigy was carried out of the fire unscathed.
--------------------------------

Related stories:

Nurglon Speaks...

Nurglons Slams Obama...

Nurglon Denies...

Nurglon claims...

Nurglon supporters claim...
Nurglon releases...

Nurglon Releases McCain For Final Debate With Obama

In an exclusive statement to POX News before the third and final 2008 presidential debate, Presidential/Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r) declared that John McCain has now been turned into a zombie and released from Nurglon's mouth.

Nurglon said:
"THE McCAIN CORPSE SHALL DO MY BIDDING. IT SHALL EXPOSE THE SHINING ONE AS AN ENEMY OF ALL THAT I STAND FOR... FAMILY VALUES, FAITH, STRONG LEADERSHIP, FOLKSINESS AND STRAIGHT TALK."

When asked to clarify, Nurglon only added:
"BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, GOSHDARN IT."

The McCain zombie performed adequately during the third debate with Barack Obama. Among his undead statements were:
"Urrr! Ayers!"
"Braaaains! Braains good!"
"Uuuuh! ACOOORN!"
"Huuuuh! Maaario the Pluuumber!"
---------------------------------------

Related stories:

Nurglon Speaks...

Nurglons Slams Obama...

Nurglon Denies...

Nurglon claims...

Nurglon supporters claim...

Distress Call From Nurglon's Mouth May Be Missing John McCain, Witnesses Say

POX News, Oct. 11: Witnesses at Nurglon's most recent public speech have heard cries for help from inside Nurglon's giant, gaping mouth, which may come from the missing John McCain.

The witnesses said that while they were listening to Nurglon (r) speaking, they heard muffled shouts from somewhere along its/her middle row of teeth (Nurglon has three known rows of teeth, each counting approx. 200 claw-like molars) - and that it sounded like McCain's voice.

According to witnesses, the shouts sounded something like, "Help! Help! I'm stuck between her teeth and I can't get out!" and "Somebody help! She's eating the entire party!"

POX News has asked several prominent dentists if it would be possible to extract a person alive from Nurglon's jaws. They all declined to answer.

--------------------------------------

Related stories:

Nurglon Speaks...

Nurglons Slams Obama...

Nurglon Denies...

Nurglon claims...

Nurglon supporters claim...

Nurglon Supporters Claim Barack Obama Is A Witch

Joe-Bob Sispak, interviewed by POX News' Sean Inannity in the Very Deep South, Oct.10:

Sean Inannity: Joe-Bob... you and your friends, die-hard Nurglon supporters, are saying that Barack Obama is a witch.

Joe-Bob Sispak: Yeah!

(Voices in crowd: A witch! A witch! Burn'im! Burn the witch!)

S: But how do you know he's a witch?

J: He turned me into a newt!

S: A newt?

J: (Pause) I got better...

S: It does look like Obama is going to win the election. Do you expect your candidate, Nurglon, to bow out gracefully?

J: No! Nurglon must win! She's the only one who can save us now!

S: From the economic crisis?

J: No, ya dope! From the elves!

S: The elves??

J: Yeah! See, Nurglon's been givin' us a few hints who's really behind them bad loans and risin' prices and stuff! It's all the work of a global conspiracy of elves! But Nurglon's gonna eat all the elves and then the problems are going away! Nurglon forever!!

(Crowd cheers)

------------------------

Nurglon Speaks...
Nurglons Slams Obama...
Nurglon Denies...

Nurglon Claims Obama Is Friendly With Terrorists

POX News, The Very Deep South, Oct.7: During a torch-lit evening rally, before a rapt crowd of 5,000 followers, Nurglon (r) made this highly critical statement of her/its opponent:

Nurglon: FOLKS... THE SHINING ONE HAS BEEN TO COUNTRIES YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO!

(30-second standing ovation from audience)

N: HE CAN READ... AND WRITE!

(10-second booing and hissing from audience)

N: WHAT DOES THAT MAKE HIM?

(Man in crowd: "You tell'im, Nurglon!")

N: THE SHINING ONE IS DIFFERENT! NOT ONE OF US! HE'S A FRIEND OF PEOPLE WHO READ AND WRITE BOOKS! A FRIEND OF TERRORISTS!

(30-second standing ovation from audience)

N: NOW MAKE SURE NURGLON BECOMES YOUR RULER AND OVERLORD... TO SAVE THE CHILDREN FROM TERRORISM! THE JUICY, TASTY CHILDREN!

(3-minute standing ovation from audience)

------------------------------------------------

Buy your Nurglon merchandise in the 2008 Election Rejection Shop!

Nurglon Denies Having Eaten John McCain

POX News, Oct. 6: During a recent political rally, POX News asked Presidential and Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r) about the mysterious disappearance of John McCain, whom Nurglon replaced after having replaced Sarah Palin.

Sean Inannity: Nurglon, I'll be frank with you. Did you eat John McCain?

Nurglon: NO! NO! GOSH GOLDARN IT, NO.

S: Are you sure?

N: HE'S A HECKUVA TOUGH OLD MAN. THAT'D BE LIKE EATING AN OLD SHOE WITH THE STRINGS ON. HE'D TASTE GOSHDARN AWFUL, AND THAT'S THE PLAIN TRUTH.

S: Seems your speech has become increasingly afflicted with "folksiness." Is this going down well with core conservative voters and hockey moms?

N: BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURG...! I MEAN, GOSH! YEAH! I'M DOWN WITH THEM HOCKEY MOMS. Y'ALL.

S: And how do you respond to the close poll numbers? Do they worry you?

N: I DON'T BOW DOWN TO THEM ELITE TYPES WITH THEIR HIGH-FALUTIN' STATS AND NUMBERS AND WHATNOT. FRIENDS.

S: Well, you certainly still have strong support in the South and the heartland.

N: RIVERS OF BLO... I MEAN, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A SOFT SPOT FOR OL' DIXIE. NOW BOW DOWN TO NURGLON, Y'HEAR?

----------
Related posts:
Nurglon Speaks...
Nurglons Slams Obama...

"Obama Unqualified For Waging Total War," Says Nurglon

In a follow-up to her/its recent tell-all interview for POX News' Sean Inannity, Presidential and Vice Presidential candidate Nurglon (r) slams Barack Obama for being "unqualified" for the military responsibilities of the presidency:

Q: Nurglon, do you have anything to add to your previous comments about your opponent, Barack Obama?

Nurglon: THE SHINING ONE IS WEAK! WEAK!! HIS PITIFUL HUMAN CONSCIENCE FORBIDS HIM TO WAGE TOTAL WAR ON MANKIND, AS I SHALL WHEN I AM ELECTED!

Q: When you say "total war," do you mean the states which sponsor Al-Qaeda in the War On Terror?

N: NO. THE OTHER ENEMY.

Q: Which other enemy?

N: LIFE.

Countless conservative bloggers and pundits have praised Nurglon for this statement, which they claim as proof of Nurglon's necessary "toughness" to rule America. To quote one blogger: "Nurglon in '08! You're either with her or against her!"

----------

Related posts:

Nurglon Speaks...

Nurglon Denies...

NURGLON Speaks! Exclusive Interview

Transcript of Sean Inannity's world-exclusive interview with NURGLON, September 23 2008, for POX News:

Sean Inannity: Thank you for coming here, Nurglon.

Nurglon: BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, MISTRESS OF GREAT CTHULHU! THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME HERE, SEAN.

S: Is "Nurglon" your first or last name, by the way?

N: FIRST AND LAST.

S: So your kids, they have "Nurglon" for last name, or...?

N: I SELF-CONCEIVED. THAT MAKES THEM ALL NURGLON, I SUPPOSE. HA HA HA!

S: He, he... right.
Nurglon, you burst onto the political scene quite late in the '08 campaign... when you materialized in Alaska and took immediate control of the local Republican campaign headquarter. The party officials acknowledged your status as natural-born U.S. citizen and made you an instant party member.
How do you motivate your choice of party?

N: THE WORSHIPPERS AT THE CAMPAIGN HQ PERFORMED THE APPROPRIATE RITUAL SACRIFICE AND OPENED A DOORWAY FOR ME, USING THE FORBIDDEN INCANTATIONS OF ABDUL AL-HAZRED.

S: Right... and only a few days later, the national GOP congress voted you in as the new vice-presidential candidate, despite the vocal protests of Sarah Palin.
Did you hesitate about muscling in on her post so abruptly? Or, did you fear how she might respond?

N: I EAT PEOPLE LIKE PALIN FOR BREAKFAST. AND LUNCH. AND DINNER.

S: He, he... now, the most amazing part of your success story is how the core conservative voters instantly fell in love with you.
Let's listen to a few voices from the heartland...


Bobby Joe Scagg, gun shop owner, Alabama:
"Well y'know, some latte-drinkin' lawschool elite liberals might look at Nurglon, and all they see is a 150-foot-tall tentacular creature... but us REAL Americans, plain folks, we see her for what she is: a pious, decent patriot who don't take no crap from our enemies... She's one of us, basically. And she's white."

William Worthingless III, investment banker, Utah:
"Nurglon will fix the economic system and make us all rich beyond our wildest dreams. I love you, Nurglon!"

Lula Boggs, Arkansas:
"Of course I can only vote for Nurglon. She's the only female candidate out there!"


Sean Inannity: Well, there you have it. How would you describe, on a personal level, your relationship with those who want to vote for you?

Nurglon: I AM THEIR GOD NOW.

S: Barack Obama's campaign has been pretty quiet about you. Is Obama scared of you?

N: [Unintelligible noise]

S: Would you accept a one-on-one debate with Obama before election day?

N: THE SHINING ONE MUST BE DEFEATED! HIS LIGHT BURNS OUR HUNDRED EYES!

S: So a debate is not in your schedule...
You may have heard some critics attack you for coming from another dimension in Alaska.
Now, the Justice Department has assured voters that your dimension legally speaking lies within U.S. territory.
How do you respond to critics who claim your citizenship isn't strictly legal?

N: IS TORTURE LEGAL? HA HA HA!

S: He, he... right. So you mean...

N: NATIONAL SECURITY TRUMPS ALL LAWS. AS A U.S. CITIZEN I MUST ASCEND TO THE HIGHEST OFFICE, SO THAT I MAY PROTECT THIS GREAT NATION AND ITS GREAT, TASTY CITIZENS.

S: You have described yourself as a small-town person...

N: I LOVE SMALL TOWNS. THEY ARE SO TENDER.

S: This year, a lot of issues are on the voters' minds: The economic crisis, the War, immigration policy... For starters, how would you describe your foreign policy experience?

N: ONCE I ATE ANOTHER COUNTRY. YOU CALL IT ATLANTIS.

S: I'll put a daring question and you can answer it any way you like.
If you were President, would you ever go to war with Russia?

N: IF RUSSIA REFUSES TO BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON, THEN FIRE MUST CONSUME THIS PITIFUL PLANET, FOR THE SAKE OF OUR CHILDREN.

S: America's children?

N: MY FIVE MILLION ONES.

S: Is it true that you won a beauty contest in your home town?

N: MISS UNSPEAKABLE. TWICE.
S: Well, many have described you as a "hot" candidate... and I wouldn't argue with that...

N: WHY SEAN, YOU SMOOTHIE, YOU.

S: He, he... Now, the economy. Do you support the bailout plan and giving extraordinary powers to the Treasury?

N: NO. ALL POWER SHALL BE MINE.

S: And how do you propose solving the financial crisis?

N: THE DOLLAR SHALL BE REPLACED WITH A NEW CURRENCY, THE VALUE OF WHICH IS SET BY AN ABSOLUTE STANDARD.

S: And what standard is that?

N: BLOOD.

S: Where do you stand on Mexican immigration?

N: THE SOUTHERN BORDER MUST BE SEALED.

S: Why?

N: MEXICAN ANCESTORS, THE AZTECS, WORSHIPPED THE WRONG BLOOD-DRINKING GOD MANY CENTURIES AGO. THIS MAKES MEXICANS UNCLEAN IN THE EYES OF GREAT CTHULHU.

S: You want to seal the border? Seriously? How can the government afford that?

N: BY HIRING CHEAP MEXICAN LABOR TO BUILD AN ELECTRIFIED WALL ALONG THE ENTIRE BORDER.

S: What do you see in America's future, and your family's future?

N: MY FIVE MILLION YOUNG SHALL ALL GET GOVERNMENT JOBS. BUT THERE IS A SLIGHT PROBLEM.

S: Which is?

N: FEDERAL BUILDINGS MUST BE REBUILT TO FIT MY CHILDREN'S BODIES.

S: You have shown yourself to be a very pro-family candidate. Of course, this means you oppose all forms of abortion?

N: NOT ONE OF MY COUNTLESS EGGS MUST GO TO WASTE.

S: And same-sex marriage?

N: I HAVE GIVEN THIS A GREAT DEAL OF THOUGHT... AND DECIDED THAT I CANNOT MARRY MYSELF.

S: Are you still a single mom, then?

N: NO. I HAVE RECENTLY MARRIED THE G.O.P. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.

S: You have promised to abolish taxes. Can you keep such a promise?

N: TAXES SHALL BE REPLACED WITH BLOOD SACRIFICE TO GREAT CTHULHU.

S: A strong message from a strong conservative candidate.
Finally, would you like to say something to our viewers?

N: FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN, FOR NATIONAL SECURITY, FOR STRONG LEADERSHIP, FAMILY VALUES AND FAITH... BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP NURGLON!!

S: Thank you very much, Nurglon.

N: THANK YOU, SEAN.
----------------------------
More NURGLON election merchandise can be found in the 2008 Election Rejection Shop.

-------------
Put this button on YOUR site to show your support for Nurglon:

----------
Related posts:
Nurglons Slams Obama...
Nurglon Denies...

NURGLON In 2008!

Who's the folksiest candidate with the mostest family values? Who rejects the high-falutin' elite?

Why, it's NURGLON (r) !

* Nurglon has mothered 5 million offspring (and counting), and completely opposes abortion of any of its eggs. No candidate is more pro-life than Nurglon!

* Nurglon is a plain-speakin' entity from the north (where it entered our dimension) and believes in strong leadership to defend its chosen territory from competing life forms.

So vote NURGLON (r) in 2008! Yes, we should!

P.S.: And remember, you can be sure this candidate ain't black (Nurglon is white with purple spots) or Muslim (Nurglon worships Great Cthulhu).

More NURGLON election merchandise can be found in the 2008 Election Rejection Shop.

-------------
Put this button on YOUR site to show your support for Nurglon:
UPDATE (Sept.23): The World Exclusive interview with Nurglon can be found HERE.
----------
Related posts:
Nurglon Speaks...
Nurglons Slams Obama...
Nurglon Denies...

Adam Kirsch On James Frey And "Reality Instructor" Writers

James Kirsch's review of James Frey's novel BRIGHT SHINY MORNING makes a very good point about "Reality Instructors": when an author has a shallow and crude "vision" of the world but tries to peddle it as "The Truth."

Choice quote:
------------------
Only those writers willing to be humbled by the real are able to capture it for literature. Writers who must always be seen to dominate reality, on the other hand, can never grasp it. Their need to appear wised-up means that they can only allow themselves to write in ways that the world already recognizes as realistic -- that is, in cliches.
-----------------

Read the rest.

So you want to "tell it like it is," give the reader "gritty reality"... guess what, reality isn't always gritty, and no one has all the answers just because he says so. Don't try too hard to "talk tough".

Having said that, there are writers who write "tough" and talk "tough"... and sell to legions of readers who want to be "tough".
But, fans of "tough guy" literature... beware! Writers are liars. That wartime experience they're trying to impress you with might be fake or exaggerated. There are plenty of writers who only pretend to "keep it real" and invent "tough" life experiences.

Whenever a writer makes a point of being photographed in uniform or wearing medals, or talks at length about his/her "tough upbringing" I immediately get suspicious.

As for me? I am frequently baffled and puzzled by the world around me; I have no final answers to share. And as for the work of writing... it's about as macho as painting porcelain. I write in order to explore reality, not to give some "final explanation" of it.

An Apology

Right now, a large number of men are demanding the death of a schoolteacher... for the sake of a teddybear's name.
(Incidentally, several of these self-righteous men are bound to have the exact same name as said teddybear, but hey -- let's not demand that they behead themselves in the name of consistency.)

You angry men... this is for you:
-----------------------

A.R.Yngve

AN APOLOGY.


Dear angry street person,
you who are so busy burning flags
and effigies
waving your banners and placards
shouting your death threats
with such vigor
demanding apologies
for all the wrongs committed against you:
This is an apology.

We apologize
for being billions of people
around the world
who don't care
about what you say.

We apologize
for the billions of people
who lived before you were born
who cared even less
for what you say.

We apologize
for those not yet born
and not yet counted
who will without doubt offend you
in some way.

We apologize
on behalf of the countless thinking life forms
in the known universe
who won't care
to apologize to you
and who have the gall
to be ignorant
of your existence.

We beg forgiveness
for all the fictional characters
and drawings
and motion pictures
and mere thoughts
that offend you.

Let us also not forget
to apologize
for all the insulting things
that may be said
or pictured
or imagined
from now on
and billions of years
into the future.

We apologize
for being afraid
of your threatening demeanor
and for fearing your intolerant friends
who kill us.
We apologize
for being so rude
that we wish to live our lives
without constantly being told
that we should obey your commands.

We apologize
for believing in democracy
and freedom of speech
and equal rights for women
and freedom of mind.

We apologize
for our love of reason
and consistency
and logic
and common sense
and our aversion to killing people
for disagreeing with us.

We apologize
for all our belief systems
and philosophies
that are not as perfect as yours.

We apologize
for not much caring
about an afterlife
and for our selfish need
to improve living standards
in the here and now.

Humbly we apologize
for your birth.
Oh, what insult
that someone as divinely guided as yourself
was squeezed out between your mother's thighs
and born screaming in blood and pain,
like any other human being!
Someone as perfect as you
should have simply descended from the heavens.

How can we ever apologize enough
for the excrement
that insults your righteous behind
and dares to offend your nose
with its foul stench?
Your waste should have smelled of roses.

We apologize for the universe
and its reckless indifference
to your sacred convictions.
So many stars, so many planets
so many galaxies
are formed, and live, and die
without a care
for your hurt feelings!
We deeply, sincerely apologize
for the totality of existence
which has offended you
by not apologizing.

And finally we,
these billions of human beings
who so offend you
with our existence
apologize in advance
for the distant chance
that someday our patience
might run out.
And should that ever happen
then please tell God
that we're sorry.
-------------------------

(c)A.R.Yngve 2006. This is a work of fiction. Its intent is satirical.

On Consumer Identity And Reader Identity

Seth Godin tells an anecdote, and concludes that: "So many of the products and services we use are now about our identity. "

It struck me, reading Godin's blogpost, that some readers use books as a part of their identity. (Especially "genre fans," but perhaps not only them.)

Of course, from his marketing-guru point-of-view, this is something to use and exploit to sell stuff. But that's where we part ways.

I like to read the fiction of American author Philip K. Dick. (Ah, so that's why some call me a "dick." ;-)) Does this make his works a defining part of my identity? How far could that "identity" go?

- Dressing up as favorite characters from Dick's novels at costume parties and events?

- Writing "fan fiction" featuring characters and settings from his works?

- Going to special conventions for Philip K. Dick fans?

- Camping in ticket lines for NEXT (another movie based on Dick's stories)?

- Start believing that the author's stories are reality?

Naah! Why bother? What was it Chuck Palahniuk wrote in FIGHT CLUB?

"You are not your job. You are not how much you have in the bank. You are not the contents of your wallet. You are not your khakis."

It happens that people use their favorite books (such as a "holy book", or The Lord Of The Rings, or Ender's Game) to support their sense of self at volatile, vulnerable times in their lives.

And as long as they don't get overly fanatical about it, I suppose it won't harm them. But: You are not your favorite book/TV show/movie series. You are not fantasy. You are not sci-fi. You are not romance. You are not detective fiction. You are not horror. You are not mainstream lit. (You are not Tyler Durden.) Read something different once in a while.

That goes for writers too. You are not your favorite writer. You are not a genre. (You are not Chuck Palahniuk.) Don't trap your creativity for the sake of a narrowly defined "writer identity."

Buying or reading my books to express your identity probably doesn't work very well.
(By the way, I look forward to whether J.K. Rowling will try and write something completely different after her "Harry Potter" novels. What will she think of next? Isn't it more fun when you don't know in advance?)

Dave Langford On "Thog's Masterclass"

British writer and humorist Dave Langford invented "Thog's Masterclass" as an ongoing showcase of (unintentionally) hilarious prose quotes from science fiction and fantasy books.

Normally a standing feature of Langford's SF newsletter/webzine ANSIBLE, "Thog's Masterclass " has also been presented in his SFX Magazine column, and as live presentations at several SF/Fantasy conventions.

This page contains a text transcript of the live presentation of Thog's Masterclass.

The fascinating thing about these snippets of comically inept fiction-writing is that they are lifted from printed novels released by major publishers, even written by world-famous authors. As Langford puts it, "Every author, even Terry Pratchett, gives hostages to Thog."

No Big Name is spared in quotes such as these:
-----------------------------------
- Robert Heinlein sensitively describes a kiss from the female viewpoint in The Number of the Beast: 'Our teeth grated, and my nipples went spung!'

- Isaac Asimov in 'Satisfaction Guaranteed': 'She looked away, then let him slide gently into the corner of her eye.'

- Brian Aldiss demonstrates his knowledge of arcane geography in Remembrance Day: 'She wore large bronze earrings made in an obscure country which rattled when she laughed.'
-----------------------------------

Is there a lesson to be learned here? Well, apart from Nobody's Perfect So Get Over It, I'm not sure... ;)

Marshall McLuhan's "The Medium Is the Massage" (YouTube)

In order to understand (or meditate on) how writing (and other technology) affects our thinking, you MUST hear Marshall McLuhan's "The Medium Is the Massage" (YouTube):

The Medium Is the Massage, Part 1.1.
Part 1.2.
Part 1.3.
Part 2.1.
Part 2.2.
Part 2.3.

Choice quote:
"The artist: the Enema of Society."

Ny Skräck På Svenska: Antologin SCHAKT 004

Min novell "The Man Who Fell Out" kommer ut på svenska i antologin SCHAKT 004: KRÄLANDE CTHULHU och andra bedrägliga blindskär.





FÖRHANDSBESTÄLL SCHAKT 004 SENAST 31 MARS!

Det kommer inte att tryckas några ytterligare exemplar av Schakt så enda möjligheten att köpa är att abonnera, förhandsbeställa eller att köpa lösnummer hos SF-Bokhandeln.